I work in a grocery store where quite a few elderly people shop because they get a discount. As I was walking towards the back area, I noticed an older man heading towards the bathrooms. I noticed something brown on his leg, and for a moment wondered if he’d hurt himself somehow. Just as I was pondering this, an ENTIRE MOUNTAIN OF POOP dropped out of his shorts and onto the floor. He just kept on walking to the bathroom like nothing was amiss.

I was left standing there in complete shock trying to figure out if that actually happened. Eventually I called the maintenance man and discovered that not much grosses me out, apparently.

(I am working at the customer service desk. We offer many services, but we mainly process returns. I am processing a return for a customer on his credit card when this exchange takes place.)

Me: *swipes his card, hands him the card and the receipt* “All right, there’s your receipt for your return!”

Customer: *places his card flat in his palm and sort of bounces his hand, as though weighing his card* “Hm… It doesn’t feel heavier.”

Me: “Oh, that’s because credit card returns take a couple days to show up on your card.”

Customer: *bursts out laughing* “Okay, that was a good one!”

Customer: “Do you have any [Particular Brand of spring water]?”

Me: “Yes, just over here.”

Customer: “Oh, thank you. I’ve heard it has less calories than [Other Brand].”

(It is water, for crying out loud!)

Related:
H2-D’oh!, Part 4
H2-D’oh!, Part 3
H2-D’oh!, Part 2

(I have just handed the customer his change and receipt.)

Me: “Thank you. Have a nice day.”

Customer: *frowns and snaps* “Don’t tell me what kind of day to have!”

(I am at first uncertain if he is kidding, but he looks angry and is staring at me expectantly. I’m bewildered as to what response he is looking for.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Have… a day of whatever type you’d prefer?”

Customer: *smiles brightly and sounds genuinely pleased* “Thank you! You, too!”

(I work in a discount supermarket and usually we’re three people on one shift, but today we’re suddenly one worker short. I am walking towards the till where a couple of customers are waiting. Another customer asks me a question as I am walking and I stop for a second to answer her, when I suddenly hear a loud whistling sound.)

Customer: *clearly a bit tipsy, even though it’s only nine am* “HEY! God, that was slow!”

Me: *already at the counter, scanning another customer’s items* “I’m sorry, but we’re really understaffed today. I promise I’m going as quickly as I can!”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, whatever. It just cannot be that you take such a long time to come over and take care of paying customers!”

(The customer I’m currently dealing with laughs nervously and is clearly uncomfortable.)

Me: “Well, we cannot be everywhere when we’re short on staff and so many products are waiting to be put on shelves, but I am just going to go really quickly with your items here so you can get out of here and enjoy the day!”

(I keep smiling and scan his items in a jiffy. All the while he keeps ranting about how insane it is that I was so slow to serve him. As the time for him to pay comes…)

Customer: *fumbling in all his pockets* “Oh, it seems I cannot find my wallet… Just hold on a sec.”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, I guess it’s your turn to be slow now!”

(The customer looked up at me with a VERY embarrassed look on his face while he kept fumbling for his money, holding up all the other customers in line. He never found the money and left the store with his head low, mumbling apologetically. Even though he didn’t apologize, he clearly realized his hypocrisy and was VERY quiet when he came back with the money. This totally made my otherwise stressful day.)