Bags Of Laughs

| Right | October 26, 2012

(It’s been a long night, with a higher than average number of annoying customers. A couple comes through the till.)

Wife: “Oh, no. Don’t put the chips with the pop! It’ll get crushed.”

Husband: “Geez, don’t put the chips with the bread.”

Wife: “Oh, and keep the pickles away from the cans.”

Husband: “Can you double bag everything?”

(I finally sort through their numerous demands, they pay and leave. The next customer and last in line is buying just a few things, and has listened to the previous conversation.)

Customer: “Oh… can you put the bacon in a separate bag from the chips and pop?”

(I do.)

Customer: “Oh, and can you separate the chips and pop?”

(I do.)

Customer: “Can you double bag everything? It’s all pretty heavy, you know.”

(I stare, not sure if he’s serious.)

Customer: “And, can you put the receipt in a separate bag?”

(I smile at this point, and he laughs; it’s clear he was just joking. Everything goes in one bag. From this point on, ‘put the receipt in a separate bag’ becomes a euphemism for anyone making a series of ridiculous requests.)

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It’d Be A Marvel If They Did, Part 2

| Working | October 22, 2012

(At our grocery store, a little boy dressed as Iron Man is lost. He is too distressed to tell us his name, so we were able to reunite him with his dad by up paging for “Iron Man’s father.” The next day, my manager and I are joking about it.)

Manager: “Will Ben Stark come up to the front desk?”

Me:Howard Stark.”

Manager: “What? I thought it was Ben.”

Me: “Nope, definitely Howard.”

Manager: “Let me check.” *gets on his phone* “You’re right. You’re fired.”

Me: “I would be proud to be fired for out-nerding my boss!”

 

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Her Argument Is Dispiriting

| Right | October 18, 2012

(I am an assistant manager, and I am handing over a particularly difficult customer to my manager. At our store, all refunds over a certain amount must be returned in the manner they were paid for.)

Me: “This customer here would like a refund for these items, but she does not have her card with her. I explained that we have to refund the items to her card, but she keeps asking for store credit.”

Manager: *to the customer* “She’s right, ma’am. All refunds must be returned in the form we received the payment. Do you have your card with you?”

Customer: “I think it is rude that she is assuming that I am asking you to refund my items. She did not even let me ask you the question I wanted to ask!”

Manager: “I’m sorry. What is your question?”

Customer: “Can I exchange, not refund, these items for a store credit?”

Manager: “That is still considered a refund, so no. I’m sorry we cannot help you unless you have your card.”

Customer: “Well, I can’t take these groceries back now! They’re not the same as when I walked in!”

Manager: “…Not the same?”

Customer: “They are spiritually damaged, and I cannot eat them. That girl stole their spirit!”

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The Not So Great Gatsby

| Right | October 16, 2012

(A man sporting a heavy metal t-shirt, torn jeans, facial piercings and green hair approaches my register. As he gets closer I notice he’s cradling a small cat in his arms.)

Man: “Hey… umm… this is probably going to sound kind of weird but I was just in the parking lot and—”

(He’s promptly cut off by a shrill scream. We both turn to see a horrified lady charging towards us like a rabid rhino.)

Lady: “What the h*** are you doing?!”

Man: “Oh, there you are! Listen—”

Lady: “Get your filthy meat hooks off my Gatsby! You monster! Let him go!”

(She violently starts trying to beat the man with her purse. Braving the blows, the man hands the cat over to her.)

Lady: “Oh, my poor Gatsby! Did the horrible man hurt you? Oh, don’t you worry, I’ll make him pay!” *glaring at me* “You! Call the police right now! And you!” *turns to the punk* “Don’t move! I’m going to see you in jail for trying to kidnap my Gatsby!”

Man: “Really? Well before you do that ma’am I should warn you that I intend to report you to the SPCA for endangering the life of your pet.”

Lady: “What?”

Man: “You left your car window rolled all the way down, and dear Gatsby there climbed out after you went in. I very nearly hit him as he ran out into the parking lot so I thought it only right that I bring him in where he wouldn’t be at risk of getting lost, run over, or kidnapped. Are you saying I should’ve just left him out there where anything could’ve happened, and you thus would most likely have had to go home minus your darling pet?”

(The lady turns red, drops her shopping, and promptly runs out of the store with her cat.)

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Not All Knights Are In Shining Armor

, , , , , | Right | October 15, 2012

(Two of my children suffer from a rare, genetic bone disease and they both have recently had major surgery. My 10-year-old had his hip rebuilt and is using a wheelchair, while my 13-year-old had a tumor taken out of his ankle and is using a walker. The 10 year old also uses a walker to move from his chair to the car. I am parked in a handicapped space, and am trying to get them loaded into the car. There are 6 open handicapped spaces, but this elderly man decides he needs the space directly next to my driver’s side.)

Elderly Man: *honking horn* “Get out of the way!”

Me: “I need to get the kids loaded. I’ll be out of the way shortly.”

Elderly Man: *honking even louder, scaring my 10-year-old* “Get out of the way, lady! You don’t even need this spot.”

Me: “Sir, my two disabled children do need this spot, but there are several other open spots if you’re in a hurry.”

(By this time, I have my wheelchair-using child in the car. I set his walker aside to push the chair to the back of my car and retrieve my older child’s walker from the other side of the car. Unfortunately, I am not fast enough. The elderly man honks again, then bullies his way into the spot and DRIVES OVER the walker. I am nearly in tears, and have just put my head down trying to get the wheelchair folded up and put in the trunk of my car. The elderly man gets out of his car while I have the chair half way from the ground to the trunk.)

Elderly Man: “You’re very rude! You should be ashamed of yourself! You shouldn’t even be using this spot. It’s obvious you don’t need it!”

Me: *literally slack-jawed* “I’m sorry you feel that way…”

(As the elderly man leaves, two young men who look like thugs approach me.)

Young Men: “We’ve seen everything and feel really bad for you. Can we help you get the wheelchair and walkers into your car?”

Me: *crying and trembling* “Yes…”

(Not only do the young men get the medical equipment in my car, but they get my 10-year-old laughing again with their non-stop jokes. After they finish helping me…)

Me: “Thank you! Can I do anything to repay your kindness?”

Young Men: *wave me off* “We’re just doing what decent people would do. Have a pleasant day!”

(I found out later that they’d noted the elderly man’s tag number and had gone inside to report the incident to the manager. The police were called and the elderly man was held responsible for the damage to the walker.)


This story is included in our Wheelchairs Versus Ableism roundup!

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