Skim Over The Truth

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Right | November 8, 2016

(I’m working my last week in a local health food grocery, and earlier in the day we were swamped with customers. Naturally, things will probably go out of stock until the next delivery day.)

Customer: “Why are you out of skim milk?”

Coworker: “Let me ask. Hey, [My Name], do you know why we’re out of skim?”

Me: “Well… I would assume because people bought it all. We could check the back stock but chances are it’s all gone.”

(Sure enough, we’re completely out of skim milk. Apparently the customer didn’t appreciate having the truth given to her, because she comes up later specifically to me. Oh boy.)

Customer: “You need to stop being such a smart-a**.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Of course people bought it all. That was stupid. You should’ve worded it like ‘the shipment isn’t here yet’ or ‘it’s stuck in the mountains’ or something.”

Me: “So you want me to lie to you… about why we don’t have skim. What?”

(So remember, if the customer asks you a question, make up the answer. Lesson learned.)

This Is Not A (Bena)Drill

| NJ, USA | Working | November 7, 2016

(I’ve got a weird sort of insomnia; about once or twice a year I’ll go several nights barely sleeping, then suddenly crash out before the sun goes down and ‘catch up’ whether I want to or not. I’m in the middle of one of these bouts when I’m just picking up a couple things from the store.)

Cashier: “Oh, are you okay?”

Me: “Not really; dealing with insomnia.”

Cashier: “Oh, I HAAAATE that. I barely got any sleep last night myself. Try popping a couple bennies!”

Me: *not thinking straight* “What?”

Cashier: “You know, those sleeping pills! I don’t think I woulda gotten more than, like, seven hours last night.”

Me: “Oh, Benadryl… Yeah, first off those are allergy pills not sleep aids; if you take those to sleep you’re going to mess yourself up in the long run. Secondly, over-the-counter stuff doesn’t help me, and I don’t have it often enough to get a prescription. Third? You got seven hours last night, congrats. I got about three hours Sunday night, two hours Monday, and last night I didn’t even sleep; I was just in a half-conscious haze all night. Now can I just buy my cold cuts and milk and go home? Or would you like to tell me to treat my pneumonia with aspirin?”

(The cashier was stunned and just finished ringing me up. I admit I was a little harsh with her, but given that she was giving me party-girl advice for a clinical condition and I wasn’t thinking straight to begin with, I didn’t feel TOO bad about it!)

A Racist Plot Twist

, | FL, USA | Right | November 3, 2016

(It’s a slow day at work. My coworker and I are standing behind the counter making idle chat.)

Me: “Know what I’ve been thinking about?”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “Kids’ sports movies.”

Coworker: “Kids’ sports movies?”

Me: “Yuh huh. Specifically, the fact that they’re all exactly the same.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean how they all have the exact same plot, the exact same characters, the exact same tone, everything.”

Coworker: *sounding unconvinced* “Hmmm…”

Me: “Think about it. You always have the exact same set of stereotypical characters: the nerd, the fat kid, the black kid who only talks in pseudo-racist jive, the girl playing on the boys’ team just to prove she can, and the guy who could be a superstar if he could just get past his piddling first-world emotional problems.”

Coworker: “You know, I think I see what you mean. Don’t forget the alcoholic coach trying to relive his glory days.”

Me: “Exactly. And our ragtag band of misfits always has to play the team of rich snobs in the championship game who taunted and defeated them at the beginning of the movie.”

Coworker: “And the coach of the rich snobs’ team was the one who humiliated our heroes’ coach way back when.”

Me: “Right. And our heroes lose their first couple of games until a pep talk from the coach inspires them, and then they destroy every successive opponent they face until the championship game, when the rich snobs are kicking their butts at halftime. Then the would-be superstar finally gets his head out of his butt and helps them turn things around in the second half and they win.”

Coworker: “And as the second half of the championship game begins, it shows a montage of our heroes evening the score set to CCR’s ‘Up Around the Bend.'”

Me: “Hah! Totally! That’s like the ultimate ‘sports-getting-your-act-in-gear’ song.”

Coworker: “You know, you’re right.”

Me: “Like I told you, dude. They’re all the same.”

Customer: “How DARE you!”

Both Of Us: “Huh?”

(A customer has just walked up to the counter and overheard the last thing I said.)

Customer: “How DARE you say that all African-Americans are the same?! You RACIST!”

Me: “What? African-Americans? No, we were talking about kids’ sports movies.”

Customer: “You said ‘They’re all the same’!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was saying that all of those movies are the same.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me, you racist scum! Anyone who says ‘They’re all the same’ is talking about African-Americans!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I promise you that’s not what we were talking about.”

Customer: “Shut up, you racist! This whole store is racist! I don’t have to put up with this racist store! This is the MOST offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my ENTIRE life and I demand compensation for this insulting racism!”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You’ll be sorry when your racist a** is out on the street!”

(She stomped off to the customer service counter to complain. Apparently she didn’t get the reaction she wanted from the store manager because she stomped out of the store all together a minute later. Also, she was white.)

Only Your Illness Registers

| GA, USA | Working | October 29, 2016

I am pretty sick. I have a bad cough, sore throat, and my eyes are bloodshot, so it is obvious I am sick. One morning I have to get just a few things from the grocery store, so instead of a cart, I have a basket.

It’s eight am so because it’s still early, no cash registers are open yet. I am going through self-checkout, and all the employees including the manager are standing next to the self-checkout area talking.

As I am checking out, I look over and notice every employee huddling around me, asking if I am okay. I say I am fine, but two workers insist on helping me even though I only have a few items, and a third worker goes to get me a shopping cart. They keep asking me repeatedly, “Are you okay?”

It is nice of them, but it is early, I am tired, and not feeling well. I just want to get out of there. I can’t help but think to myself, “Instead of crowding around me, why not open up some cash registers?”

You’re One Sharp Cookie

| ND, USA | Working | October 28, 2016

(I’m at a grocery store shopping and almost the whole time I am there can hear what sounds like kids yelling pretty loudly. It actually sounds like they are riding a roller coaster with the noises they were making. I round the corner to look at frozen pizza and find the source of the noise is two young girls, probably three and five years old, sitting in a cart just making a ton of noise while their parents look at pizzas. Shortly after I come down the aisle, a bakery worker comes out of the side of the bakery and right up to the parents.)

Employee: *with the biggest forced smile and cheery voice ever* “Would your children like some free kid’s cookies? We have M&M, chocolate chip, and sugar.”

Mom: *tunes to kids* “Would you guys like some cookies?”

Kids: *finally quiets down* “YES!”

Mom: “Two M&M’s, please.”

Employee: “I’ll be right back.” *she goes back through the bakery door, and comes out a minute later carrying two cookies and hands them to the kids* “You guys have a nice day.”

Mom: “Thank you.”

(The family moves on and the employee goes to stock the bread racks. When I come around the corner she’s on one side of the racks; I’m on the other.)

Me: “I saw what you did there.”

Employee: *giving me a devilish looking smile and in funny sarcastic voice* “I have noooo idea what you may be taking about.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Employee: *with a more genuine smile* “You have a nice day, sir.”

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