Meet Dead Smurf

| UT, USA | Working | May 20, 2016

(I work in the bakery department. The entrance also enters into the deli. I notice that there were two spills of red liquid.)

Deli Employee #1: “It looks like we killed someone back here.”

Deli Employee #2: “I shot a Smurf.”

Me: “There are two spots.”

Deli Employee #2: “Well, I had to take out the witness.”

That Last Observation Takes The Cake

| CA, USA | Working | May 18, 2016

(I work as a cake decorator in a grocery store bakery. Since I can’t see the displays without walking out onto the floor it can be difficult to keep everything full. At the time I have five minutes left in my shift and about fifteen minutes worth of cleaning left to do when the store manager calls me out onto the floor to look at the cake displays. My mind goes straight into panic mode, assuming something is terribly wrong and I’m going to have to stay late to fix it.)

Manager: “I want you to tell me what you see.”

Me: “Several of the jumbo cupcakes are low, there’s only one of those cakes left, that spot’s also almost empty…” *I point out a couple more almost empty spots, but fortunately nothing is completely empty*

Manager: “Oh, yeah? I see lots of beautiful colors.”

Me: *in relief* “Oh, really?”

Manager: “Yeah, they’re all very eye catching. Good critical eye on your part, though.”

(I appreciated the compliment, but it really wasn’t worth the near heart attack he gave me while giving it!)

Fail-Mix

| CA, USA | Right | May 16, 2016

(I work in a grocery store that has a “bulk” section which sells items by the pound such as candy, trail mix, dried fruit, etc. About every three bins there’s a sticker reminding you to write down the PLU number of the item so the cashier can enter it into the computer and weigh it properly. Despite the numerous reminders, plenty of people don’t write the code, and the cashier is forced to search through our register books which have the 150 or more bulk codes.)

Customer: “Hello!” *sets down some produce and about 10 little bags of bulk product, none of which have codes*

Me: “Hello, did you find everything okay?”

(The usual polite back-and-forth goes on as I speedily enter the memorized codes for the produce, and then pick up the book and start scouring it for the bulk codes, which I don’t try to memorize because there are so many and they’re always changing.)

Me: “What was this one?” *holding up a trail mix that looks like a dozen others*

Customer: “Oh… I don’t remember.”

Me: “All right…” *holding another* “And was this deluxe trail mix salted or unsalted?”

Customer: *impatiently shrugging* “I don’t know!”

(Inwardly I’m rolling my eyes thinking “Well we WOULD know if you followed directions and wrote the codes on the tag”, but I keep a straight face and keep looking for the codes one by one.)

Customer: *leaning in with a sly look and a smile* “Are you new?”

Me: “No, I’ve been here two years. You’re supposed to write the codes for each of these items so I can enter them into the computer.”

Customer: *unconvinced tone* “Uh huh, okay.”

(After he left, I told my coworker about it and we were both amazed that customers think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect us to remember over 150 ever-changing bulk codes, be able to discern between a dozen almost identical trail mixes, and yet it’s NOT reasonable to for them to remember ONE thing: to write the darn code!)

Pray It’s Just Dry Humor

| IL, USA | Right | May 14, 2016

(My brother is mopping the women’s restroom when a customer comes in.)

Brother: “Careful. It might be wet.”

Customer: *completely serious* “Good. My hip’s been bothering me and I don’t have insurance, so if I slip and fall I can sue [Store].”

(She goes into the handicap stall. Meanwhile my brother waits outside so he can finish cleaning after she’s done. The customer eventually comes out.)

Customer: *disappointed* “The floor’s dry.”

Brother: “I’m… sorry?”

Get A Handle On The Situation

| USA | Right | May 13, 2016

Me: “What kind of bags for you today?”

Customer: “Uhh… one with handles”

Me: *bags groceries in plastic*

Customer: “I wanted my groceries in bags with handles.”

Me: “Sir… I am pretty sure what I am holding right now are handles.”

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