Not Quite On The Money

| NY, USA | Movies & TV, Theme Of The Month

(The grocery store I work at also sells DVDs for a pretty cheap price. A customer comes up to me, irate.)

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes! I need to return this movie!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure we’ll be able to refund you, since it’s been opened. Was the disc scratched or something?”

Customer: “No! The movie was terrible! I can’t believe you would sell me such a horrible movie!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry to hear you didn’t like the movie, but we can’t refund you just because you didn’t like it.”

Customer: “Yes, you can! You’ve seen the movie; you know how bad it is! I demand a refund!”

Me: “Sir, I’ve never seen this movie.”

Customer: “Yes, you have!”

Me: *confused, and 100 percent sure I’ve never seen it* “I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen this movie. I’m not a fan of this genre.”

Customer: “YES. YOU. HAVE. You can’t sell movies you haven’t seen, without knowing if they’re any good. It’s the law!”

(At this point my manager has heard the yelling and comes over.)

Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yes. This movie was terrible and this girl sold it to me knowing it would be bad, and now she’s claiming she never saw it. You should fire her.”

Manager: “I’m very sorry for the inconvenience, sir. We can refund you this time, but in the future, please be aware that you buy movies at your own risk.”

Customer: “Good. You should take more care hiring your employees. SOME of them like to break the law!”

(She refunds the movie, and hands the man the $3 he paid for it.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Manager: “It’s your refund.”

Customer: “No way! I paid way more than this. I paid $20!”

(It clearly says ‘$3 movies!’ on the rack behind him, which I point out.)

Customer: “This is bulls***! I demand my full refund! Look, it even says $20 here on my receipt!”

(I take the receipt, find the movie listed, and point out that it clearly says $3. The customer continues trying to argue his case and my manager takes over again.)

Manager: “Okay, sir. I see the problem here. May I have that money back?”

(She proceeds to count the money back into the drawer, and then count it back out again, so it still adds up to $3. Then she hands it back to the customer.)

Manager: “Here you go, sir. I’m very sorry about that. I’ll be sure to have a talk with [My Name] about counting out money correctly. Have a nice day.”

Customer: “Thank you! It’s about time someone knew what they were doing!”

(The customer stalks off, mumbling about how incompetent I am, without noticing that he still only had $3. My manager and I had a pretty good laugh once he was gone!)

No Point Crying Over Stolen Milk

| USA | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

(Milk is subsidized in my state so we don’t offer cash refunds or exchanges unless the product is spoiled or damaged. One man has been exchanging half-empty milk every week for six months claiming each time that the container is leaking. He does it with different clerks and it takes a while before everyone realizes he’s scamming us. As manager, I ask my clerks to let me know if they see him come in so I can talk to him.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this milk.”

Me: “Sure, we can certainly do that. Man, you have some rotten luck!”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, you just always seem to have leaky milks. Looking at how little is remaining, it must have really made a mess in your fridge!”

Customer: “Oh. Yeah.”

Me: “Wow, going through a milk every week? I wonder if [Milk Company] knows they have so many leaky containers. I should track this and notify them.”

Customer: *nervously* “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

Me: “Oh. Well, a leaky gallon every week for six months? That’s unacceptable. Maybe you should try another brand? You know, [Milk Company]’s headquarters are just one town over. I could just call them and have them inspect this.”

Customer: *alarmed* “Oh, no, no! It’s fine. I’m all set.”

Me: “Are you sure? Hey, why don’t we go pick out a gallon together. That way we’ll KNOW it isn’t leaking?”

Customer: “Oh, uhhh. I’m sure I won’t have any problems anymore.”

Me: “I really appreciate you letting us know there is an issue with their packaging. I’ll be sure to keep an extra close eye on your milk from now on.”

(The customer leaves in a hurry and we never see him again!)

The Worst Example Of Homosapien

| Chicago, IL, USA | Bigotry, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(A customer came up to me while I am stocking the cooler.)

Customer: “Where’s the straight milk?”

Me: “What? What’s straight milk?”

Customer: “Straight milk!”

Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Customer: “Straight milk, so it doesn’t turn my kids gay.”

Me: “Milk doesn’t turn anybody gay!”

Customer: “Sure it does. See right here. It’s HOMO-genized milk. I want the HETERO-genized milk.”

Me: “…”

Some People Drive You To Drink

| Montreal, QC, Canada | Bad Behavior, Food & Drink, Health & Body

(I am at a local grocery store looking for a specific brand of cat food. I have a few items in my cart, including a bottle of cooking wine. Suddenly, a customer comes from the back and SLAMS her cart pretty hard into mine.)

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: *unintelligible mumbling* “…serves you right!”

(The customer quickly makes her way to the end of the aisle. I brush it off and keep looking for the cat food. A few seconds later the customer turns around and, this time, slams her cart pretty hard right into my thigh.)

Me: “Ow! Lady, please. Slow down!”

Customer: “Humph!”

(The customer speeds around the corner. I am appalled that she didn’t even apologize but I brush it off again, thinking that this will be the end of it. However, not even a minute later, the lady comes back and slams her cart into me again, pushing me towards the shelves.)

Me: “Really? Lady, this is the third time you crashed into me in less than five minutes! Is there anything wrong?”

Customer: “Yeah! That serves you right for being an alcoholic!”

Me: “Excuse me? I don’t even drink, not that it is any of your business!”

Customer: “Liar! I see the wine bottle and all the beer, plus your face is all red. Alcoholic! Women like you should be ashamed!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s one bottle of cooking wine. This is not beer. It’s soda. My face is red because I had to spend a lot of time shoveling my car out in very cold weather. Once again, this is none of your business!”

Customer: “And you admit to using a car! Drunks should not drive! Hhmph! Drunk harlot!”

(She quickly takes off with her cart only to smash it into the opposite shelf, causing a lot of merchandise to drop on the floor.)

Me: “Apparently, you shouldn’t drive either!”

Truthfully, He’s Totally Peanuts

| PA, USA | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(My primary job at this store is cashier; however, today is my first day hanging tags. I begin in the organic and bulk sections when a customer approaches me.)

Customer: “I’m so glad you’re here [My Name]. You see, [My Name], it’s been a while since I’ve been in here, and I’m so glad that you have a bulk section. You see, [My Name], I love those peanut clusters. I would love to buy a bag of them, but I think it’s only right that I could sample them. So what do you say, [My Name]? Will you let me sample the wonderful peanut clusters?”

Me: “Uhm, I’m not really the person you should be asking…”

Customer: “Well, [My Name], then you and I shall go together. [My Name], we will find the truth. I am a man of honesty. I honestly do want to buy a bag, but I think it’s only right that I sample it. I’ve been to other [Store] and I fell in love with the peanut clusters. But I just have to know, [My Name]. I just have to know if they are the same wonderful peanut clusters.”

(The customer leans forward, pulling open his shirt pocket. Inside are flower petals.)

Customer: “I have eight of these petals. I give one to you, [My Name]. Because it represents the truth that we will find.”

(I look around. Not seeing anyone from produce nearby, I begin to lead him to the front end where the front-end supervisor or the service desk clerks could call someone, or maybe even run into a manager on the way there.)

Customer: “I don’t see [Manager] anywhere. She’s usually here. And I’m glad [Produce Employee] isn’t here. [Produce Employee] is a [homophobic slur]. He’s a nice guy, [My Name], but he’s a [homophobic slur].”

(We reach the service desk. My coworker talks to the customer.)

Coworker: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “You see, [Coworker], [My Name] and I wanted to know the truth. Your lovely peanut clusters over there, I’ve had some at another store, and they were most wonderful. But you see, [Coworker], I want to know the truth if they are the same delicious peanut clusters as the others. I would love to buy a bag, but I think it’s only right that I sample one. [Coworker], do you know the truth that [My Name] and I are trying to learn?”

(My coworker glances at me nervously.)

Coworker: “Uh…” *pointing to grocery manager nearby* “He’s the one you need to talk to.”

(Overhearing us, the manager comes up to the service desk, followed by the front end supervisor.)

Customer: “[My Name], will you please tell [Manager] about the truth we wish to learn. We need to learn the truth.”

Manager: “I don’t have time for the truth.”

Customer: “You hear that, [My Name]? [Manager] has no time for the truth!”

Manager: “I’m afraid of the truth.”

Me: “He just wanted to know if—”

Customer: “No. I’m done here. He has no time for the truth.”

(The customer left, and the manager went back to work as if nothing happened.)