Needs More Self-Help Than Self-Checkout

| Tucson, AZ, USA | At The Checkout, Technology

(I’m a customer at the grocery store using the self-check out. Another customer and his wife approach the self-check out when the husband suddenly stops and turns to his wife.)

Customer: “I’m not using self-check out! Those machines are smarter than I am!”

Some Customers Really Need To Change

| CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Money

(I work as a cashier in a small grocery store. An older woman comes to my register with two gallons of milk and some bread.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, your total comes to $10.08.”

Customer: “I only have ten dollars!” *waves a ten dollar bill in my face*

Me: “You know what? I’ll just pay the difference for you, since you’re a regular.”

Customer: “Fine.”

(I take a quarter out of my pocket, complete the transaction, drop the change in my pocket, and hand her the milk.)

Me: “Have a great day, ma’am!”

Customer: “Where is my change? The screen says my change is 17 cents.”

Me: “Well, since I used a quarter to pay just the eight cents I took the rest of the change back.”

Customer: “You should give it to me! You’re stealing from me, you little b****! Let me talk to your manager!”

(She continues to yell at me and my manager for a few minutes, calling us evil thieves.)

Manager: “No one is stealing from you, ma’am. She didn’t even need to pay the difference on your total.”

Customer: “I’m never coming back here again!”

(She storms out.)

Fishing For A Fisherman

| FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, History

(I am working at the seafood counter of my store when a little old lady walks up.)

Old Lady: “Did you catch these fish yourself?”

Me: *thinking she’s joking* “Heh, good one.”

Old Lady: “Well? Did you?”

Me: “… No, ma’am.”

Old Lady: “Well, which one of the people here did catch them?”

Me: “No one here caught them, ma’am.”

Old Lady: “You mean you didn’t catch them locally? What kind of fisherman are you?”

Me: “I’m not a fisherman, ma’am. I’m a retail employee, as is everyone else here. Also, we’re right in the middle of the Florida peninsula, 45 miles to the ocean in either direction. And I couldn’t tell you anything about the fish living in local lakes or rivers, but I’m betting they’re not good to eat.”

Old Lady: “Well, then how did you get these fish?!”

Me: “They were farm-raised in Vietnam, frozen, shipped overseas, and driven here in a refrigerated truck.”

Old Lady: “What’s happening to America?! When I was a little girl, we used to go down to all the Mom-and-Pop general stores and buy fresh fish, caught right here in God’s country!”

Me: “Mom-and-Pop general stores don’t exist anymore, ma’am. My company had Mom and Pop locked up and burned their store to the ground.”

Dealing With A Smoking Gun

| CT, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior

(I work at a grocery store at the courtesy desk. Our store is relatively new and doesn’t sell cigarettes, unlike most others of the same chain. One day a woman approaches the desk.)

Me: “Hello. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, can I have a carton of Marlboro Lights?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. This [Store] does not sell cigarettes.”

Customer: *shocked and annoyed* “What? Why not?!”

Me: “The owner made the decision not to sell them before he opened this store.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this. That’s just UN-AMERICAN!”

(Her husband who was nearby hears her and walks up.)

Customer’s Husband: Hmm? What’s the matter?

Customer: “This store doesn’t sell cigarettes! Have you ever heard of that before?! It’s just un-American!”

Me: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. There is a store in the plaza that sells cigarettes just outside here.”

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to! It’s just un-American to not sell cigarettes!”

(The customer storms off leaving me and her husband to just stare in confusion.)

Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”

Customer’s Husband: “Yeah, not when I’m out shopping with her!”

Surprisingly Latex Tolerant

| Dover, OH, USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names

(I am stocking the dairy department in the store.)

Customer: “Where’s the latex free milk?”

(I felt really bad correcting him and kindly pointed and said:)

Me: “Sir, the lactose free milk is right over there.”

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