Feeling Very Sorry For Hugh

| USA | Food & Drink, Funny Names, Language & Words

(I’m putting back returns when an older man walks towards me.)

Customer: “Hi, any chance you can help me find some hugh-mass?”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure… Oh, you mean hummus?”

Customer: “No, no, I don’t want hummus. I want hugh-mass! It’s like a dip.”

Me: “Um… yeah. I’ll show you where it is.”

(I take him over to where the hummus is.)

Customer: “Ah, here it is! My wife’s been looking for hugh-mass for weeks! Thank you.”

Me: *holding back laughter* “No problem, sir.”


I Read Can

| CA, USA | Language & Words, Liars & Scammers, Popular

(The customer I’m checking out is having an issue swiping her card. After the machine fails to read the stripe for the third time I offer to manually key in the number. Unfortunately I end up slipping up as well due to trying to speedily finish the transaction.)

Customer: “What the heck is taking so long? Can’t you read?”

Me: “I do apologize. My dyslexia usually chooses the worst moments to rear its ugly head.”

Customer: “So you actually can’t read, then? Huh, figures.” *points to a fairly expensive bottle of wine* “You know that’s half off right?”

Me: *reading the price tag* “Erm… I’m sorry, but no it isn’t.”

Customer: “It says right over there!” *points to a sign over the wine section advertising a sale on our local vintages*

Me: “Actually, ma’am, that sign is referring to wines produced in state, which are buy one, get one free. This is an imported vintage so it’s not eligible.”

Customer: “You just said you were dyslexic! That you can’t read!”

Me: “Dyslexic means I sometimes mix up the order of numbers or words, ma’am. What you’re thinking of is ‘illiterate.’”

(The customer silently glared at me as I finally got her card to go through and stormed out grumbling.)


Getting A Good Customer Is A Lottery

| IL, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Popular

(It’s Sunday morning and I’m working the front desk of a grocery store that has a lottery machine. A woman approaches the desk; she has a way over-the-top, annoyingly positive attitude.)

Woman: *through a beaming smile* “I’d like the winning numbers to the lottery drawing, please. I heard there was a winner and I want to see if I won!”

(I look at her ‘ticket’ and see it isn’t a lottery ticket. It is a printout of winning numbers from previous drawings. They print these up on the same paper as the regular tickets.)

Me: “Uh, ma’am, you already have the winning numbers there…”

Woman: “I know! I bought this from [Gas Station down the street] and I feel lucky!”

Me: “No, no… You don’t understand. You already have a printout of winning numbers.”

Woman: “I know!”

(Then it hits me. She went into the gas station and, as a joke, said she wants ‘the winning lottery numbers’; the clerk behind the counter took her literally, and gave her a printout of the winning numbers. She has no clue she doesn’t have a valid lottery ticket.)

Me: “Here, let me show you what I mean.”

(I print out a copy of the most recent previous drawings. Needless to say, the two ‘tickets’ are identical.)

Me: “This is a printout of the winning numbers…”

(As I’m explaining this, she compares her ‘ticket’ with the one I just gave her. Then her eyes get wide.)

Woman: “I WON!! I WON! Look, look, all the numbers match. I can’t believe I won! I WON! I WON!”

Me: “Ma’am? Your ‘ticket’ isn’t a ticket.”

Woman: “WHAT?! Yes, it is! I bought this at the gas station…”

(I print up a valid ticket and show it to her.)

Me: “Valid tickets have the barcode on the bottom of them and the date they are good for.”

Woman: “But I paid for this!”

Me: “Then you’d better go back there and get your money back.”

(She turns to leave but then turns back.)

Woman: “But all my numbers match.”

(The kicker to this story was I bought the ticket I printed up to use as an example and it won a lower tiered prize. I didn’t mind pocketing $80.00 the next weekend!)


At Least He Doesn’t Discriminate

| NY, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(I’m a 22 year old male and I work as a bagger, or “service clerk,” at a chain grocery store. One night, at roughly four in the morning, a man comes up to the line. He has with him a baseball bat, a cucumber, some cough spray that numbs the back of the throat, preparation H wipes, and a box of condoms.)

Customer: *leans over the belt and waggles his eyebrows at the female cashier* “So, what are you doing after work?”

Cashier: *immediately goes on the defensive* “Going home and spending some time with my boyfriend.”

Customer: *looks defeated, then looks over at me* “What about you?”


Working Here Is A Brain Drain

| Bellevue, WA, USA | At The Checkout, Awesome Workers, Health & Body

(I am sweeping the store when I see one of our regulars standing on a grocery basket to reach a soda bottle on the top shelf.)

Me: “Can I help you get that down?”

Customer: “It’s okay; I’m lightweight.”

Me: “So is the basket’s construction.”

Customer: “Well, if it breaks I’ll buy it.”

(He gets down.)

Me: “I’m more worried you’ll fall and crack your head open… because guess who gets to clean THAT up?”

Customer: *laughs* “Brain cleanup in aisle eleven!”

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