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Very Sharp Humor

| Awesome Workers, Bizarre

(I’m the cashier. In the middle of scanning and bagging various items for a guest, she asks if I have scissors to remove a tag. I look at her, and just let my eyes glaze over, and drop my voice a bit.)

Me: “I’m sorry, they don’t let me play with sharp pointy objects anymore.”

(The customer actually stepped back a bit, and I smile.)

Me: “No, really. We can’t have blades or sharp things on the checkout lane; you’ll have to go to customer services to get them to cut off your tags.”

(I did that line several more times over the years and the hardest part was keeping a straight face. Freaked people out every time I could pull it off!)

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Some Customers Come With Baggage

| Salem, OR, USA | At The Checkout, Crazy Requests

(Like many of the natural alternative grocery stores, we are bag-less. There are at least two huge signs on the door when you enter, and a sign at each register, and even signs on the box bins we have for those who forget their bags.)

Me: “That will be $9.95 today.”

Customer: “Aren’t you going to bag them? I want plastic.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir; we are a bag-less store. We have reusable bags for sale ranging from .99 to $6 dollars.”

Customer: “I don’t want to buy a d*** bag. I want you to give me a plastic bag.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have plastic bags.” *I point to the box bin* “We do have boxes for those who forgot their bags.”

Customer: “NO. I WANT A PLASTIC BAG. FORGET IT.”

(He then tried to carry all his items out in his hands, dropped several of them, and just gave up and dropped them all on the floor, breaking some, and then left…)

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Rage Against The Machine, Part 4

| WA, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Technology

(We have just gotten in self-checkout units at our store, much to the delight, and apparent misunderstanding of our customers.)

Customer: “So we no longer have to rely on you guys to check out our stuff?”

Me: “Oh, no, the normal checkout lanes are still open, but if you’re in a rush, you now have the alternative of doing it yourself.”

Customer: “Guess this means you’ll be out of a job soon!” *laughs*

Me: “No… not at all.”

Customer: “Eh?”

Me: “The SCO still requires a staff member to key in birthdates if you’re buying restricted items like alcohol, and if there’s a price query or you accidentally scan something more than once, we need to be here to override it. SCO is a tool for us to help make your shopping experience more pleasant, not a replacement.”

Customer: “Oh, well…”

Me: “And if I may just ask, sir, how is us losing our jobs meant to be funny? Would you still laugh if you got replaced at your job by a machine? Or one of your family members did?”

(The customer turned red and grumbled something to himself as he grabbed his groceries and left.)

Related:

Rage Against The Machine, Part 3

Rage Against The Machine, Part 2

Rage Against The Machine

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Red Apple Alert

| The Netherlands | Bizarre, Food & Drink

(It’s very busy in the store so all staff is manning the tills to keep the lines as short as possible. An elderly lady comes through my lane with a few fruits and vegetables.)

Customer: “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that your ‘red apples’ are Gala apples! They’re not red apples!”

Me: “Ma’am, we sell different species of red apples based on the season. Currently, that’s Gala apples. A few weeks ago we had Elstar.”

Customer: “No, Gala apples are not red! They look red, but they’re not red apples. I looked all over the store to find someone and tell them, but I didn’t see anyone.”

Me: “I apologise, ma’am. It’s rather busy right now so all staff is manning the tills. We do not sell a specific red apple, just the type currently in season.”

Customer: “But it’s not red!”

Me: “Yes, it is. See, it’s red.”

Customer: “Yes, yes, it looks red, but it’s not… red.”

Me: “We do sell other red apples in bags.”

Customer: “I don’t want a bag, I just wanted a few! And Gala apples are too sweet for me; I don’t like them. Why don’t you have red apples?”

Me: *gives up* “We also sell Granny Smiths.” *green, rather sour apples* “Those might be more to your liking.”

Customer: “Hmph, I might try those then. But you should still have red apples.”

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Her Excuse Is Not So Fresh

| IN, USA | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink

(I am scanning a lady’s groceries at the checkout. She has several containers of a brand of guacamole that is packaged without a re-sealable top.)

Lady: “I love this guacamole you carry! Too bad it spoils so fast.”

Me: “Well, they are freshly made, so it’s important to keep them chilled.”

Lady: “I mean, they go bad in a matter of hours! I should really be able to return them!”

Me: “Pardon?”

Lady: “I have to buy a lot so I always have some! I mean really, why do they come in such large packages if it spoils so quickly?”

Me: “Well, it will go brown on the top if the lid is off for a matter of time, but that’s just an oxidization reaction, like in apples, so it’s still fresh.”

Lady: “I should get a refund every time this guacamole spoils!”

Me: “Guacamole does not go bad that quickly. It’s still perfectly edible even if there’s slight discoloration.”

Lady: *taking receipt and her several tubs of guacamole* No! It spoils! I’ll get my money back one of these days!”

Coworker: *once she has left the building* “The only thing spoiled here is her.”

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