We are having a sale on a small item: two for fifty cents.

Customer: “Can I get these three for fifty cents?”

Manager: “No, but I can do four for a dollar.”

Customer: “Even better!”

The customer happily makes their purchase and leaves.

Me: “But… that was the deal?”

Manager: “I’ve dealt with them before. They thought a 50% discount meant fifty cents off, so I knew math wasn’t going to be their strong suit.” 

Related:
Math Is Your Friend, Part 14
Math Is Your Friend, Part 13
Math Is Your Friend, Part 12
Math Is Your Friend, Part 11
Math Is Your Friend, Part 10

A man comes up to my till with practically every variety of animal milk we carry, in every brand.

Me: “Wow, that’s a lot of milk.”

Customer: “Yes. I found a stray kitten in my garden, and he was all alone. I’ve taken him in, and I need to know what kind of milk he’d prefer.”

Me: “Oh, wow… That’s nice!”

Customer: “Yeah, he’s a fussy little thing, but the vet said he’s fine. He’s just… dramatic.”

Me: “If he knows he’s cute, he knows he can get away with it.”

Customer: “Would you like to meet him?”

Me: “I… uh…”

Before I can formulate a response, the customer turns around, and I see the face of a tiny kitten nestled comfortably in his oversized hoodie’s hood. He mews at me.

Customer: “Meet Tybalt, the bougie little s***.”

The next week, the customer only bought one type of milk. Tybalt hath chosen!

An elderly man is shopping at my store with a large service dog. My department is right next to the store entrance, and while the man is here, a woman and her three-year-old son walk in through the front door. When the little boy spots the dog, his eyes light up, and he grabs his mom’s hand and points.

Little Boy: “Mommy, look! A woof-woof!”

Mom: “Yes, sweetie, it’s a woof-woof.”

Little Boy: “I wanna see the woof-woof!”

He runs over to the man with the dog. The man looks down at him with an amused smile.

Little Boy: “What’s his name?”

Old Guy: “His name’s [Dog].”

Little Boy: “Can I pet him?”

The woman catches up to her son.

Mom: “[Little Boy], I told you not to go running off like that. And don’t bother this nice man.”

Old Guy: “Oh, he’s no bother.”

Little Boy: “I wanna pet the woof-woof!”

Mom: *Pointing to the dog’s service vest* “You see what this woof-woof is wearing? That means he’s doing his job right now. His job is to help the nice man. And since the woof-woof is doing his job, that means this isn’t a good time to pet him.”

Everyone can see the gears turning in the boy’s brain.

Little Boy: “Oh, okay. Do a good job, Mister Woof-Woof!”

It’s December 30th and my husband comes home, bringing Oliebollen — Dutch fried dough balls, a traditional New Year’s or fair food. He tells me the bakery only had Oliebollen with raisins, which he doesn’t like (and I do). I tell him not to worry; I saw our local supermarket had some, so I offer to get some while he gets a shower.

I walk to the supermarket, get a basket, and make my way through the crowd.

I hear a nearby woman talking to someone who I presume is her husband.

Woman: “Oh, I don’t think they have any Oliebollen anymore. I don’t see them anywhere.”

Me: “Oh, they are way in the back.”

Woman: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Heading there myself.”

Woman: “I’ll follow you! Come on, [Husband]!”

We continue, but the woman suddenly waves.

Woman: “[Woman #2]! [Woman #2]! This lady found the Oliebollen!”

Woman #2: “They still have them?! [Woman #3], they still have OIiebollen!”

Woman: “Come on, follow me!”

Random Man: “Wait, where did you say the Oliebollen were?”

Woman: “Come on, this lady will take us there!”

And that is how a crowd of about eight people followed me to the small Oliebollen stand in the back of the supermarket. I saw the young girl’s eyes grow; this must have looked quite intimidating to her. There was no line when we arrived, and I believe she was still packing Oliebollen after I left the store.

One day after work, I run to the store to grab a few things for dinner. I walk over to the pasta section and grab a box. Another woman is there staring at the pasta.

Woman: “Can you believe that I’ve been to three stores, and none of them have had whole-grain lasagna?”

I know this particular store keeps the lasagna noodles on the top shelf, so I glance up and see a box of whole-grain lasagna.

Me: “There’s some up there.”

Woman: “Oh, thank you. I didn’t see it up there.”

Me: “You’re welcome.”

I immediately walk away because I’m not much of a people person and I have what I need. I grab some pasta sauce on my way out of the aisle and continue my shopping.

A few aisles over, I’m looking for something else when the woman rounds the corner and makes a beeline for me.

Woman: “I don’t know what you do for a living, but I want to talk to you about a wonderful opportunity.”

Me: “Uh—”

Woman: “It’s part-time work from home. You would work with clients and offer them financial assistance. The pay is very good, and you would get to set your own schedule.”

Me: “No, thank you. I don’t need a job.”

Woman: “Oh, you wouldn’t have to quit your job. This is something you could do on the side. Let me give you my information.”

Me: “I’m not interested.”

Woman: “I promise, this is worth your time.”

Me: “No. I have a lot going on right now. I don’t have time for that.”

Woman: “Would you at least be interested in a Zoom meeting where you would learn more about the company?”

Me: “No!”

I grabbed my cart and ran out of the aisle. Thankfully, she didn’t follow me, but I did see her talking to an older man outside the store when I was leaving. Hopefully, he didn’t fall for whatever pyramid scheme she was a part of.