A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Woes

| NY, USA | Right | July 9, 2012

(My sister is doing a high school project at a grocery store where she has to interview the store manager. It’s in a shady part of town, so when she leaves her digital camera unattended for a few moments someone steals it. After alerting the security guard, he agrees to ask the customers in the store. The only people in the store at that time are my sister, the manager, my sister’s groupmates, a college student with an iPhone, and a few admittedly shabby-looking customers.)

Guard: *to the college student* “Excuse me, sir, can I inspect your bag? There’s a reported missing item.”

College Student: “I don’t have time for this! Those students should have taken better care of their belongings! I refuse to be searched!”

Guard: “But—”

College Student: “I’m a college student, for **** sake! Why would I steal a camera?!” *points to a shabby-looking customer*He’d have more reason to steal it! I refuse to waste my time for a bunch of kids who think their irresponsibility to take care of their camera makes them a priority!”

Guard: “Sir…when did I ever say the missing item was a camera?”

College Student: “I—”

Guard: “I’ll need to search your bag now, or if you’re in such a hurry, I can have your ID.”

(The college student consents and allows the guard to search his bag. Soon enough, the guard finds my sister’s camera.)

Guard: “Is this yours, ma’am?”

My Sister: “It is!”

College Student: “What the f***?! That’s mine! I’ll have it back now and be on my way, please!”

(The guard ignores the student and turns on the digital camera. The pictures show many pictures of my sister and her groupmates. There are also a few teenage pictures of my sister in that typical provocative teenage pose in front of the mirror while wearing a revealing two-piece. The college student turns paper white.)

College Student: “Oh, that camera! Yeah, I found it on the table someplace and I was going to return it, but totally forgot and—”

Guard: “Sir, I can either charge you with stealing, or I can charge you with stalking and pedophilia, since this lady is obviously a minor. Which one is it going to be?”

(In the end, my sister got her camera back and the college student was taken away by police. The guard got a raise!)

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In Her Own Inbred World

| Glen Rock, NJ, USA | Right | July 7, 2012

(I have a tattoo in memory of my cousin who passed away. We were really close. I always get people asking me about it, but this one is by far the worst.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: *grabs my wrist and looks at my tattoo* “Who’s Johnny?”

Me: “He’s my cousin.”

Customer: “Oh! I wanted to marry my cousin once. I was in love with him.”

Me: “Oh…well…it’s not like that.”

Customer: “It’s okay, because he’s my second cousin.”

Me: “It’s not like that. My cousin passed away. I got this tattoo to remember him. I’m not in love with him.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s nice. I should have married my cousin…” *walks away*

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Pushy Grandmothers Are Singularly Embarrassing

| IN, USA | Romantic | July 4, 2012

(A man in his early thirties and his grandmother come up to my register and begin unloading groceries.)

Me: “How are you doing today?”

Guy: “I’m doing alright. I’d be better if I had a girlfriend. Are any of your friends single?”

Me: “Uh, nope all my friends are taken. Sorry.”

Guy: “Grandma, did you hear that? All her friends are taken!”

Slob Calling The Coffee Black

| Rhode Island, USA | Right | June 28, 2012

(I am walking down one of our grocery store’s aisles when I overhear a couple talking.)

Husband: “Crap, I dropped my coffee. Honey, find some paper towels.”

Wife: “What?! No! Just leave it there. They have people walk around and clean up these things. It’s fine!”

Husband: “Um, I—”

Wife: “Just leave it! We have too much to do.”

(The wife then turns and sees me. She doesn’t miss a beat.)

Wife: “Someone just dropped this and left it. People are slobs. You should clean this up before someone gets hurt!”

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The Other, Other Red Meat

| Syracuse, NY, USA | Working | June 20, 2012

(While working in the store’s meat department cutting links of sausage, I cut my finger very badly. Due to the nature of the cut, I did not feel it at first. By the time I noticed, it I had bled into the sausage. This exchange takes place after I return from bandaging my hand.)

Me: “Is there a special way to dispose of this sausage? Or should I just toss it in the bin?”

Boss: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “Well, I bled all over this meat. It’s sort of a bio-hazard.”

Boss: “No, just put it in the service case. No one will be able to tell. They have to cook it anyway!”

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