You’ve Been Marked  

, , , | | Right | August 10, 2019

(I have just gotten off of work and need to stop by the grocery store for a few things. During my work shift, a coworker finds a marker we use to check for counterfeit money and draws all over me with it. I am very pale so it is easily visible.)

Small Child: “Mommy, look at that lady! She’s got stuff on her face!”

Parent: “It’s rude to point, sweetie.”

Small Child: “But look! She looks like she’s got the chickenpox!”

(The lady finally looks up to see the marker all over my face and screams.)

Parent: “You should be ashamed of yourself! How dare you come out in public, let alone to work in such a horrid condition? You probably just infected this entire store, you filthy heathen!”

(The lady picks up her child and runs screaming from the store. After a long day of dealing with people just as crazy, I merely go back to shopping. However, an employee approaches me, having heard the commotion.)

Employee: “I’m sorry, is everything okay over here?”

Me: “Yeah, some crazy lady thought I was diseased and took off.”

Employee: “If you don’t mind my asking… what’s all over your face?”

Me: “Do you guys have those counterfeit markers here?”

Employee: “Yes…”

Me: “My coworker got bored.”

Employee: “Oh! Right… Yeah, that would do it. Have a great day!”

What A Difference A Year Makes

, , , | | Right | August 8, 2019

(I work at the customer service desk at a popular grocery store chain in Ohio. Other locations sell tickets to a popular amusement park, but ours does not. This exchange takes place one day.)

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to buy two tickets to [Amusement Park].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this location doesn’t sell them. [Location ten minutes down the road] sells them.”

Customer: “You sold them last year!”

Me: “No, ma’am, we have never sold them at this location. However, other locations sell them.”

Customer: “NO! I bought them here last year!”

Me: “I’ve been working here for five years, and we’ve never sold them.”

Customer: “I bought them here last year! You don’t know what you are talking about!”

Me: “Yes, I guess I was out sick on the one day they decided to magically conjure up a ticket-selling machine to sell tickets to you, and then they immediately got rid of it.”

(The customer rolls her eyes, flips me off, and stomps away. Just before she goes through the door, she screams out:)

Customer: “I bought them here last year! YOU KNOW I DID!”

A Very Testing Person

, , , , , | | Friendly | August 8, 2019

One of my sisters and I are in our twenties and the other one is in her teens. The three of us were at the grocery store a few weeks ago when this happened. We were wandering around discussing stuff when I stopped to look at the stuff on the shelves, so my sisters stopped, as well. I was not paying attention to anything, as usual, but I trusted my sisters to warm me if I was blocking someone or something. 

They saw this woman coming in our general direction with her cart, so one of my sisters moved away and my other sister pushed me closer to the shelves and came closer to me to provide space for the cart. This woman kept coming at me and my sister, and when she was close enough said, “Excuse me,” in a rude tone. I said sorry, sort of a reflex response, and my sister tries to pull me away to make more space for her. 

She kept coming at us and kept saying, “Excuse me,” loudly and still in her rude tone. I kept saying sorry and my sister started trying to push me into the shelves to give her space. It got to the point that this woman’s cart was going to run me over, so my sisters and I looked at her. At this point, I don’t know what we would have done if she was a major b****, as we all hate confrontation. 

Turns out it was one of our neighbours who we know fairly well. She looked at us, said sorry, and laughed. Then, she explained that she’d done it to other neighbours as a “politeness” test or something, and told us that we’d all passed. She then told us that she did it to another neighbour, who we all know to be a nice old lady, and she apparently lost it and was cursing up a storm until she realized it was our neighbour. 

My sisters and I laughed it up with the neighbour and walked away, all feeling very confused. Up to this point, I don’t know how I should feel about her “test.”

That Was A Loooong Break

, , , , | | Working | August 6, 2019

(I work for a little over a year at a grocery store, and then I move from Ohio to Florida. I visit Ohio a year later, and I swing by the place to chat with my friends. I used to run the self-checkouts almost exclusively. One of my ex-coworkers, who’s running the self-checkouts area, walks over to me and asks if I’m on break. I laugh and shake my head and keep talking. He takes off the handheld device and starts handing it to me.)

Ex-Coworker: “If you’re not on break, you can take over.”

Me: “I don’t work here anymore. Haven’t for almost a year now.”

(The dude was so surprised.)

The Sensitive White Male Will Go Off Before The Cheese Will

, , , , , , , | | Right | August 6, 2019

(I’ve just opened a new package of white American cheese made by a company whose initials are LOL. I set a large plastic bag on the counter and write on it the date, the product code, and “LOL White” as a scowling old man walks up and sees what I’m doing. For reference, he’s white and so am I.)

Old Man: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing?!”

Me: “Huh?”

Old Man: “Laughing at the white man?!”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

(He slams his palm down on the bag I’m writing on.)

Old Man: “Right there! ‘Laughing out loud at the white man!’ F****** millennial [racial slur]-loving libtard feminist SJW socialist traitor!”

(I groan. Oh, joy, another one of those.)

Me: “That’s not what that means.”

Old Man: “Shut up! I know what all those stupid things your generation write on your liberal chat rooms mean! You millennials almost ruined this d*** country trying to destroy the white man! Well, you ain’t gettin’ away with it ever again now that Trump is in charge! Trump’s gonna send you all to Hell where you belong!”

(I grab the block of cheese and slam it on the counter right in the man’s face. Over the course of about three seconds, the look on his face goes from, “What the hell is he doing?” to, “Uh-oh, is that what I think it is?” to, “Oh, God, I’m an idiot,” to “NO, I CAN’T be the idiot!” to, “ENEMY! DESTROY! DESTROY!”. He slams both hands down on the counter and leans over it to scream in my face.)

Old Man: “TRUMP 2020! TRUMP 2020!”

(He turned around and stomped out of the store muttering about “f*****’ [racial slur]-lovers.”)