Paranoia In The W.C.

| | Right | February 20, 2009

(I was just about to clean the ladies room, when a female customer walked up to me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, how do you lock this door?”

Me: “There’s no lock on the door, but there’s stalls in there.”

Customer: “But, what if someone tries watching me? I want to know I’m safe from voyeurs.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure nobody will be watching.”

Customer: “What about the men’s room? Is there a lock over there?”

Me: “Well, there’s a stall in there, but there’s two in this one.”

Customer: “But, no lock?”

Me: “Would it help if I stood guard?”

Customer: *now yelling* “Oh? So, you think you can get a little peep show?! Well, I’ll have you know that I won’t tolerate a pervert in my midst! I’ll take my business elsewhere, and you’re getting reported for harassment!”

Me: “But, I–”

Customer: “Good day!” *storms out*

Manager: *listening from his office* “What was that all about?!”

Me: “I don’t know.”

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I’m Afraid You Can’t Spell, Dave

| | Right | February 20, 2009

(I was monitoring the customers at the self-checkout machines when a customer holding a cilantro angrily waved me over.)

Me: “Sir, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “These machines are so useless! They don’t even have cilantro under the look-up list!”

Me: “Sir, it’s because you’re looking under ‘S’ instead of ‘C’ – cilantro is spelled with a ‘C’.”

Customer: “Oh, so you’re a know-it-all, huh? We’ll see what you know when these machines take over YOUR job one day!”

Me: “…”

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A Bag Of Chipocrisy

| | Right | February 19, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

Me: “Yes miss, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “I just found this opened bag of chips sitting on the counter.”

Me: “Oh, thank you, I’ll take that.”

Customer: *still holding the bag* “Isn’t it so inconsiderate of people to just open up the food and eat it in the store?”

Me: *laughing* “Yeah, it really is.”

Customer: “Oh well, here you go.”

(She then sticks her hand in the bag, pulls out a handful of chips, hands me the bag, and then walks away.)

Me: “…”

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I Hear The Gossip Columns Are Juicy

| | Right | February 18, 2009

(A customer walks in with a very full backpack.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade you.”

Me: “Um, we don’t actually trade things, we sell food.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve got this whole bag of stuff for you.”

(He opens the bag and shows me magazines, forks, and spoons.)

Me: “Sir, you have to use money to buy the food.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

(I call the manager, who walks over.)

Customer: “Come on, man. This magazine must be worth at least…carrots.”

Manager: “Here’s a trade for you: money for food.”

Customer: *walks out*

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You’re Only As Old As You Act

| | Right | February 17, 2009

(An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.)

Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?”

Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.”

Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?”

(She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.)

Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.”

Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door*

Me: “…”

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