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Skim Over The Truth

| Calgary, AB, Canada | Bizarre, Comics Single

(I’m working my last week in a local health food grocery, and earlier in the day we were swamped with customers. Naturally, things will probably go out of stock until the next delivery day.)

Customer: “Why are you out of skim milk?”

Coworker: “Let me ask. Hey, [My Name], do you know why we’re out of skim?”

Me: “Well… I would assume because people bought it all. We could check the back stock but chances are it’s all gone.”

(Sure enough, we’re completely out of skim milk. Apparently the customer didn’t appreciate having the truth given to her, because she comes up later specifically to me. Oh boy.)

Customer: “You need to stop being such a smart-a**.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “Of course people bought it all. That was stupid. You should’ve worded it like ‘the shipment isn’t here yet’ or ‘it’s stuck in the mountains’ or something.”

Me: “So you want me to lie to you… about why we don’t have skim. What?”

(So remember, if the customer asks you a question, make up the answer. Lesson learned.)

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A Racist Plot Twist

, | FL, USA | Bigotry, Movies & TV

(It’s a slow day at work. My coworker and I are standing behind the counter making idle chat.)

Me: “Know what I’ve been thinking about?”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: “Kids’ sports movies.”

Coworker: “Kids’ sports movies?”

Me: “Yuh huh. Specifically, the fact that they’re all exactly the same.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean how they all have the exact same plot, the exact same characters, the exact same tone, everything.”

Coworker: *sounding unconvinced* “Hmmm…”

Me: “Think about it. You always have the exact same set of stereotypical characters: the nerd, the fat kid, the black kid who only talks in pseudo-racist jive, the girl playing on the boys’ team just to prove she can, and the guy who could be a superstar if he could just get past his piddling first-world emotional problems.”

Coworker: “You know, I think I see what you mean. Don’t forget the alcoholic coach trying to relive his glory days.”

Me: “Exactly. And our ragtag band of misfits always has to play the team of rich snobs in the championship game who taunted and defeated them at the beginning of the movie.”

Coworker: “And the coach of the rich snobs’ team was the one who humiliated our heroes’ coach way back when.”

Me: “Right. And our heroes lose their first couple of games until a pep talk from the coach inspires them, and then they destroy every successive opponent they face until the championship game, when the rich snobs are kicking their butts at halftime. Then the would-be superstar finally gets his head out of his butt and helps them turn things around in the second half and they win.”

Coworker: “And as the second half of the championship game begins, it shows a montage of our heroes evening the score set to CCR’s ‘Up Around the Bend.'”

Me: “Hah! Totally! That’s like the ultimate ‘sports-getting-your-act-in-gear’ song.”

Coworker: “You know, you’re right.”

Me: “Like I told you, dude. They’re all the same.”

Customer: “How DARE you!”

Both Of Us: “Huh?”

(A customer has just walked up to the counter and overheard the last thing I said.)

Customer: “How DARE you say that all African-Americans are the same?! You RACIST!”

Me: “What? African-Americans? No, we were talking about kids’ sports movies.”

Customer: “You said ‘They’re all the same’!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I was saying that all of those movies are the same.”

Customer: “Don’t you lie to me, you racist scum! Anyone who says ‘They’re all the same’ is talking about African-Americans!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I promise you that’s not what we were talking about.”

Customer: “Shut up, you racist! This whole store is racist! I don’t have to put up with this racist store! This is the MOST offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my ENTIRE life and I demand compensation for this insulting racism!”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry?”

Customer: “You’ll be sorry when your racist a** is out on the street!”

(She stomped off to the customer service counter to complain. Apparently she didn’t get the reaction she wanted from the store manager because she stomped out of the store all together a minute later. Also, she was white.)

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That (Week)Ends His Smug Streak

| WI, USA | At The Checkout, Time

(I work the weekend shifts as a cashier at my local grocers. This includes me working on Fridays.)

Customer: “Man, I am so glad today’s Friday! Whole two days off after this.”

Me: “It’s a good feeling ain’t it?”

Customer: “What are your plans for the weekend?”

Me: “Earn my wages here. Gotta pay bills somehow.”

Customer: *in a more snarky voice* “D***, that must suck having to work weekends! Glad I don’t have to do it.”

Me: “Well it just means I get different days off to you. For example while you’re heading back to your job on Monday, I’ll be sleeping in, enjoying one such day.”

(The customer’s smugness instantly vanished and he took his merchandise with a very sour expression.)

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Low On The Milk Of Human Kindness, Part 2

| IL, USA | Bad Behavior, Wild & Unruly

(I work in my family’s grocery store, which has been in my family since 1956. We’ve had the same hours at least since my parents purchased it in 1993. We close at 7 pm every Monday through Friday night. It is currently 7:05. The doors are locked, and I am cleaning the deli slicer, which is clearly visible from the front doors. An elderly man walks up to the door, looks at the “Closed” sign hanging on the door, and begins incessantly banging on the door. I look at my coworker who is counting money at the counter and agree to answer the door.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, but we’re closed.”

Customer: “All I need is a d*** gallon of milk.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’ve already shut down the registers.”

(The customer proceeds to push me back with the door, which opens inward, walks across the front of the store to the milk cooler, and grabs a gallon of milk.)

Coworker: “I can only ring this up if you have cash.”

(Customer throws five dollars down on the counter and stomps out the door, cussing my coworker and I out the entire time.)

Me: “Well, he was nice.”

Related:
Low On The Milk Of Human Kindness

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As Daft A Brush

| UK | At The Checkout, Bizarre

(A lady of around 60 approaches the checkout, brandishing a pack of two toothbrushes.)

Customer: “There are two brushes in here!”

Me: “Ah, yes. It’s a manufacturer’s promotion. You get a second brush free.”

Customer: “But it’s in the packet.”

Me: “Well, because the promotion is by the manufacturer rather than by us, they put the free brush right there in the packet with the other one.”

Customer: “I only want one.”

Me: “The second one’s free…”

Customer: “I only want one toothbrush. I don’t need a second.”

Me: “Well… you could just save the second one until you need it. Save yourself another trip down here next time.”

Customer: “I want ONE.”

Me: “Do you have family? Give the free brush to someone! It’s free!”

Customer: “I want a packet with ONE brush in it. You must have some in the back.”

Me: “Sorry, only these ones at the moment–”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I just want to buy a toothbrush!”

Me: “If you buy this, you can take the second brush out… and throw it away!”

(Customer paused for a moment.)

Me: “You don’t even have to leave the shop. Once you’ve paid, you can open it right here and I’ll dispose of the second brush for you.”

(She insisted on speaking to the manager for a while but went with my plan in the end. She paid the asking price, opened the packet, took one brush home and gave the free one to the manager to throw away.)

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