They Should Have Stolen Some Intelligence

| CA, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Extra Stupid, Top

(Three shoplifters run out of the store with a bunch of liquor. Our Loss Prevention agent has been watching them, and manages to catch the one holding most of the liquor, but the other two get away. Later in the night, the police come. One officer goes upstairs with the shoplifter, while the other takes quick statements from us. Suddenly, the two other shoplifters who had run off earlier came back inside.)

Shoplifter: “Hey, is our friend still here?”

(I quickly look at the cop right behind me.)

Me: “Uh, yeah, he’s upstairs.”

Shoplifter: “Sweet, can one of you guys go upstairs to get him or something? He has our pot.”

(The cop and I share an incredulous look, while the two shoplifters just stand there.)

Cop: “I think you’re gonna need to come with me.”

(The officer took the shoplifters upstairs, where they were all arrested for possession.)

Call-Waiting Will Keep Her Waiting

| Orlando, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Top

(I work in the meat and seafood section of our store. Two customers approach. Customer #1 is a forty-something woman in business attire, who is glued to her cell phone. I engage her first.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

(Customer #1 holds up her index finger to me in the standard ‘wait’ gesture without making eye contact, and continues talking on her phone without missing a beat. I wait a few seconds to see if she’ll end the call. When she doesn’t, I go over to help Customer #2.)

Me: “Welcome to [store]. Can I help you?”

Customer #2: “Yes, I’d like one pound of—”

Customer #1: “Hey! I’m next in line! You never took my order!”

Me: “I’m sorry; I didn’t think you were ready to order.”

Customer #1: “Well, I am! Get over here and help me!”

Me: “I’ll be happy to help you once I’ve finished this lady’s order, ma’am.”

Customer #1: “I was here before her! You call your manager over here right now!”

(I call the manager over on the intercom, and go back to filling the Customer #2’s order. After a minute or so, the manager arrives.)

Manager: “What’s going on here?”

(I point to Customer #1, who is still on her phone call.)

Me: “She wants to talk to you.”

Manager: “Yes, ma’am? What seems to be the problem?”

Customer #1: *gives him the ‘wait’ finger*

Manager: “I don’t have time for this.”

(The manager starts walking away.)

Customer #1: “Hey, you get back here! This employee was rude to me!”

Manager: *gives her the ‘wait’ finger without turning around*

Customer #1: “ARGH! I hate this store!”

Saving Souls And Money

| Buena Park, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Geeks Rule, Theme Of The Month, Top

( One late night, a customer comes up dressed in very stereotypical goth attire and makeup.)

Me: “Okay, sir! Your total comes to [total].”

Customer: “Look me in the eyes.”

Me: “Um… okay?”

(I look the customer directly in the eyes. He starts speaking in a steady voice.)

Customer: “You will give me a discount.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t just give you a discount.”

Customer: “Yes, you will. I am a vampire lord, and you are under my mental control.”

Me: *in the same type of steady voice* “You are a vampire lord, and I am under your mental control.”

Customer: “Very good. Now give me a discount or I will consume your soul.”

Me: “But master, as you can clearly see, I am a ginger, and it is common knowledge that gingers have no souls.”

(The customer stares into my eyes silently for a few seconds, and then breaks eye contact.)

Customer: “D***, you’re right. It was worth a try.”

(The customer pays and leaves.)

Supervisor: “Um…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Supervisor: “You’re blond.”

Me: “Really? THAT’S what you picked up on?”