Should Have Gone For Tutti Fruits Of The Holy Spirit

| IN, USA | Related | January 28, 2015

(My mom grew up in a fairly religious home, and although she doesn’t go to church any more she’s still religious. I’m a bit of an agnostic. We’ve stopped at a small, independent grocery store for ice cream before I pick up my kids and go home.)

Me: “I’d like some mint chocolate chip, but I don’t see it in [Brand].”

Mom: “Well, how about this one? They have it in [Brand].”

Me: “Yeah, I guess…” *sees price* “Jesus Christ!”

Mom: “Watch your mouth!” *whacks my arm*

Me: “I think even Jesus would be upset at $7 for a pint of ice cream!”

Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 15

| USA | Romantic | January 25, 2015

(My husband and I are shopping in a grocery store. I’m pregnant and not feeling great. My husband has a tendency of claiming anything he does is out of sympathy for my pregnancy. We’re in an aisle that we will be leaving soon, I think. I bend over to grab something off the shelf and fart by accident, but it’s silent. I get self-conscious.)

Me: “Hey, are we done in this aisle?”

Husband: “We need to leave RIGHT NOW.”

Me: “OKAY.”

(We scoot on out of there and he whispers to me.)

Husband: “I farted in that aisle. It was pretty bad.”

Me: *touched* “I did, too. It was also pretty bad.”

Husband: “This is how I know we are meant to be together.”

Me: “Psh, I’m pregnant; what’s your excuse?”

Husband: “Uh… sympathy fart?”

Related:
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 14
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 13
Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 12

New Ways To Sleep On The Job

| Muskegon, MI, USA | Right | January 23, 2015

(I am a small, twenty-year-old female working the closing shift at my store. A very large, unclean looking man is at my till about fifteen minutes before close. He’s been silent up until I’ve started ringing up the last items he has.)

Customer: “You get out soon?”

(I don’t find this question odd, as many people ask it just to make conversation.)

Me: “We close at eleven, so ,yeah. I get out just a little after that.”

Customer: “Do you want a job working for me?”

Me: “Uh… no. That’s okay. I already have a job here, and I don’t really have time for a second job. Thanks, though. Your total is [total].”

Customer: “Well, it’s only nights. You don’t have plans after work, do you? The job pays well.”

Me: “Actually, I do have plans. My boyfriend is picking me up after my shift.”

(The man grumbles something incoherent, pays with food stamps, then leaves. My manager comes over, to help close my register down.)

Manager: “What was that about?”

Me: “I’m not sure. I think he was trying to pay me to sleep with him.”

Manager: “You know, I was wondering if that’s what was happening.”

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Demanding To A Fault(line)

| Baltimore, MD, USA | Right | January 19, 2015

(It is a typical day at the ‘upscale’ grocery store I work at, in the bakery section. An older gentleman walks up.)

Customer: “I’ll have one brownie, please.”

(Right as he orders, the ground begins to shake. Glass bottles are clinking on the shelves, signs are swinging. It is pretty obvious we are having an earthquake which is not a normal occurrence in my state. It only lasts about 20 seconds but I stand there in shock for a few more before looking back at the customer.)

Me: “Woah, that was crazy. Never felt anything like that before. Do you think that was an earthquake or what?”

Customer: *looks at me with a completely straight face and says in a very loud voice, enunciating each syllable very clearly* “I. Said. One. Brownie. Please.”

(I gave him his brownie and he walked away like nothing ever happened with the signs above his head still swinging…)

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In For A Penny, In For A Pound Bag

| Boston, MA, USA | Right | January 17, 2015

Boyfriend: “Baby carrots are $0.99 for a one pound bag and $1.99 for a two pound bag.”

Me: “I need two pounds.”

(My boyfriend grabs a two pound bag and a customer next to him does as well.)

Me: “You know, it’s technically cheaper to buy two one pound bags—”

(The customer next to my boyfriend suddenly SLAMS his carrots down, snatches two one pound bags from the display and SPRINTS away.)

Me: “…by one penny.”

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