An Idiom In Sheep’s Clothing

| Iowa, USA | At The Checkout

(I am a running through a rather elderly lady’s groceries.)

Me: “Did you find everything all right today, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes, I did. Well…”

Me: “Anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Your shirt is nice; such a lovely material. I will add that to my purchase, please.”

Me: “Oh. Well, actually, I purchased this at [clothing store].”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll take your shirt please.”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I’m afraid I am unable to give you my shirt.”

Customer: “No, I’m the customer. You asked if I needed anything. I need your shirt!”

(At this point, she attempts to pull it off of me. Upon seeing a fleet of coworkers heading towards me, she runs out of the store, leaving her groceries behind.)

Manager: “What did she want?!”

Me: “Literally the shirt off my back!”

Crazy For Sushi

| New Hampshire, USA | At The Checkout

(I’m bagging a customer’s groceries.)

Customer: “If my sushi tips over, I’m gonna punch you in the face!”

Me: “Um, do you want me to put it in a separate bag for you?”

Customer: “You’d better.”

In Some Cultures, The Conch Is Blown For Good Luck

| Winter Park, FL, USA | At The Checkout, Rude & Risque

(A lady comes through my checkout line with some frozen conch chowder.)

Me: “I’ve never tried this chowder before. Is it any good?”

Customer: *loudly* “Oh, yes! I just love cock! That’s how you say it, right? Cock?”

Me: “Ma’am, I think its pronounced conch…”

Plan A And Plan B

| Yorktown, VA, USA | At The Checkout

(I’m a cashier working the night shift. It’s about 9:30 pm when a couple comes to my register.)

Me: “Hey, how are you guys tonight?”

Woman: “We’re just fine, thanks.”

(I start ringing up their things.)

Man: “We’re also gonna need–”

Man and woman: *glance at each other* “A pregnancy test.”

Man: “Also, the two pack deal on [cigarettes].”

(Thinking I’ve misheard the last part, I go get the test, ring it through, and finish ringing up their groceries.)

Woman: “Oh, you forgot the [cigarettes].”

Me: “Right. The cigarettes. Well, here you go.”

Please, Say No More

| Houston, TX, USA | Rude & Risque

(An older man, maybe late 50s with graying hair, approaches my register with a few groceries. Despite his age, he is very absorbed in his cell phone and paying little attention to what is going on around him.)

Me: “Hi! How are you today, sir?”

Customer: *giggles* “I’m doing exceptionally naughty things on my phone right now!”

Me: “Oh, that’s lovely! Do you have any coupons with us today?”

Customer: *leans in and whispers* “In the colloquial, that means I’m sexting!”

Related:
Too Much Information, Part 6
Way, Way, Way Too Much Information
Way, Way Too Much Information
Way Too Much Information
TMI Redux
TMI (Too Much Information)

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