Should Have Tried To Squirrel Away

| Austin, TX, USA | Right | November 8, 2015

(After clocking off from work and grabbing a basket to do some quick shopping for dinner, I am stopped no more than 10 seconds into my shopping by an elderly customer looking for items. I am off the clock, but am always willing to answer questions while still in uniform, especially now that our location is undergoing renovation and a lot of customers get frustrated with the item relocation.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but where are the peanuts for squirrels, and the wild bird seed?”

Me: “Well, we moved the bird seed to [Aisle #] but I’m afraid we don’t carry peanuts for squirrels. We have corn cobs and…”

Customer: *cuts me off with a disbelieving tone* “Yes, YOU DO. I used to buy it all the time. It was over by the bananas, but now they’re not there anymore!”

Me: *thinking maybe I had missed something* “You said peanuts for squirrels?”

Customer: “Yes, they were raw, unsalted peanuts and they came in a clear package by the bananas. They’re not made for squirrels, but that’s what I feed them.”

(At this point it dawned on me she was talking about one of the many kinds of specially packaged nuts we kept in the produce section. I was wondering why she had phrased the request the way she did when a well-meaning coworker who had overheard the exchange (and knew I was off the clock), came by and offered to show her where the peanuts were moved to. That was probably the funniest exchange I’d had all day.)

Doesn’t Quite Cut The Cheese

| ON, Canada | Right | November 7, 2015

Me: “Welcome to [Store]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I need a dessert for my two diabetic friends. Let me see your cheesecakes.”

Me: “…”

The ‘Hard’-To-Find Spider

| PA, USA | Friendly | November 5, 2015

(It’s the end of the night with no customers left in the store. I and my three male coworkers are closing down the dairy fridges when a coworker I was speaking to earlier comes over to me. She and I are both female and open-minded to the point where we say certain things out loud that we probably shouldn’t…)

Coworker: “Hey, [My Name]! What was that spider you were telling me about before?”

Me: “The one from Brazil?”

Coworker: “Yeah! You were saying about that spider and the guy…”

Me: “I forget what it’s called or what its venom does, exactly, but basically it gives you an erection until you die.”

(At this point my three male coworkers, the closest of which I could reach out and pat on the back, take notice of our conversation.)

Coworker: “That’s crazy! How does that even work?”

Me: “It’s because it lowers your blood pressure or something like that, which causes persistent, sometimes painful erections, and then your heart gives out and you die. It’s why doctors say you should seek help if you’ve had an erection for more than four hours. That s**t’s just not good for you in the long run.”

(Two of my male coworkers turn around and stare at us.)

Coworker: “Is it too much stress on the heart?”

Me: “No, it’s because of the blood pressure, ‘cuz, y’know—” *I gesture to my male coworkers* “—well, you guys know how erections work!”

Male Coworker #1: “Wait, WHAT are you guys talking about?”

Me: “Spiders that give you erections until you die.”

Coworker: “Yeah, because we saw a spider earlier and we were wondering what kind it was.”

(The third male coworker turns around.)

Male Coworker #3: “So, wait, there’s ACTUALLY a spider that gives you an erection until you die?”

Me: “Yep, lives in Brazil.”

Male Coworker #3: “That’s awesome!”

Me: “…”

(The funny part is earlier I had mentioned to my coworker that some guys would probably go to Brazil and find that spider just to say they died from a spider-induced erection. I get the feeling my male coworker is one of those people!)

An Oscar Major Weiner

| QLD, Australia | Right | November 4, 2015

(An older man comes in as I open the store. He seems innocent enough and is roughly 80 years old. When he comes up to the checkout we make idle chat, until I’ve scanned all of his groceries.)

Me: “That’ll be $42.99 today.”

Customer: “I won an Oscar. Do you want to see it?”

Me: “Sure!”

(He quickly runs out of the store, leaving his groceries there before shortly returning. He is holding a fake Oscar, but looks very proud so I humor him.)

Customer: “Look!”

Me: “It’s very nice. What did you win it for?”

Customer: “Read the inscription!”

(The inscription says “Longest Standing Member.” By now, I was confused out of my mind, until the old man snickered and moved his hand, revealing the statue had large private parts standing out.)

Me: *speechless, but quietly laughing*

Customer: “My wife got this for our anniversary!”

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A Divisive Question

| St. Louis, MO, USA | Right | November 2, 2015

(I am a clerk stocking groceries. A newer, less experienced clerk approaches me to ask a question.)

Coworker: “Do we carry something called divided oil? A customer needs it for a recipe and I’ve never heard of it.”

(I went over to the baking aisle and proceeded to explain to the middle-aged female customer and my teenaged coworker what it meant when a recipe calls for one and a half cups oil, divided.)

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