(I get home from work to see my mom’s microwave in the middle of the counter, inside a salt circle. Knowing my mom, I expect there is a logical explanation, but as she is at work and has only left me a note saying we are not to touch or move the microwave, I don’t know what that explanation is. My niece comes in and looks at the microwave, bemused. We are both “Supernatural” fans.)

Niece: “What is going on there?”

Me: *shows her the note* “I think your grandma captured a demon in the microwave.”

(It turns out that my mom read online that salt repels ants and she was trying to protect her microwave from them.)

(I am working at a software company. I usually don’t bother with troubleshooting calls as I am not a technician, but this guy calls before they get to work and I figure I can try my luck.)

Customer: “Hello, I have a problem with my app.”

Me: “Good morning, sir. The technicians are not in yet, but let me know what the problem is and let’s see if there is something I can do about it.”

Customer: “Well, I tried to send some emails through the app, and it failed.”

(I walk him through some settings and other trivia he may have not seen.)

Customer: “No, it still will not send an email.”

Me: “Well, sir, in that case, you have to login to our company website and open a ticket, and one of our tech support will be with you as soon as possible.”

Customer: “I cannot do that. I have no Internet connection.”

(I tried to explain the notion of the Internet and emails and how they interact, while at the same time trying not to start banging my head on my desk.)

Related:
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 32
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 31
Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 30

(I have set up a mail account on a client’s laptop, SSL and all. Everything is working smoothly until one day the client calls me. The client is located on an island and has no easy access to local tech support.)

Client: “Can you help me? I cannot send or receive emails anymore. I think it started when Thunderbird got updated.”

(After three hours of using a super-slow remote connection session that keeps disconnecting, I end up reinstalling Thunderbird. I also delete and re-create the account. But still nothing. I am now sure the router has a problem.)

Me: “I believe there is something wrong with your router. Did you or anyone else mess with the router settings? Can you give me access to it so I can check?”

Client: “That is not my router. I am at a beach house today and I am using the beach-bar’s free Wi-Fi.”

Me: “…”

(I charged her twice the usual support fee, and I learned a valuable lesson: before you begin any remote tech support job, first ask the whereabouts of the client’s computer.)

(We’re in a class about software development.)

Professor: “…and a good thing about software is that, although it can be easier if you have professional software, you don’t really need it. Anyone who has a computer can write a program. I was surprised to learn that something I’d been using was developed in the North Pole.”

Student: *joking* “With the penguins?”

Professor: “Yes! And it was probably one of them who wrote it.”

Student: “…A penguin?”

Professor: “Sure. They’re not primitive, you know. They have modern houses, computers, and everything.”

Student: “The penguins?“

Professor: “Wait, isn’t that what the native people in the North Pole are called?”

Student: “Eskimos.”

(I’m talking to my brother on the phone. He lives abroad and is calling from a payphone.)

Me: “Hey, remember that time with the hooligan?”

Brother: “What hooligan?”

Me: “When you called me, and there was a hooligan breaking the phone next to yours.”

Brother: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “There was a banging noise, and when I asked you about it you said a hooligan was breaking the phone next to you. Then you asked him to be quiet and he said, ‘Sorry, I didn’t notice you,’ and gave you one of the coins that had fallen from the phone, as an apology.”

(As I relate the story, I begin to realize that it makes no sense.)

Brother: “…”

Me: “You know what, I probably just dreamed that. Never mind.”

(We laughed.)