Man Troubles

, , , , , | | Right | August 7, 2019

(I am female and work in the call center for an industrial supply company. We are trained to handle most situations in basic troubleshooting of our products, and our customer service is somewhat renowned. Part of our training also includes, unlike a lot of other call centers, that we DO NOT have to put up with foul language, sexism, or otherwise abusive or demeaning behavior.)

Caller: “Can you put me on the phone with a guy in parts, honey?”

Me: “I’m in parts. What can I help you with?”

Caller: “No, I need a guy.”

Me: “We all get the same training. What can I help you with?”

Caller: *actually laughs* “Oh, I know. I know you all get the same training, sweetheart, but you see, with this technical stuff, there’s just a difference between the way a guy and a gal understands things. Do you understand? Can you connect me with a guy now?”

Me: “Certainly. You’re free to call us back and see if you get a guy next time.” *click*

Parental Advice Meets The Modern World

, , , , , , | | Working | August 6, 2019

(I work in the human resources office for a large local business. When we hire people, we require them to fill out their new hire paperwork online. As a system administrator, any time something fails, it’s my job to review the issue. On the employee information form is a box that asks for the hire’s social security number. The form states that if you do not have a social security number, as happens with some of our foreign hires, to enter in all 9s. This hire has entered all 9s which requires validation, so I call the person to ask her about this.)

Me: “Hi, I’m [My Name] from [Big Company]. May I speak with [Candidate]?”

Mom: “I’m sorry, [Candidate] isn’t here at the moment but this is her mom. Can I help you with something?”

Me: “No, I need to speak to her about with an issue with her social security number. Please have her call me back as soon as possible.”

Mom: “There shouldn’t be a problem with her social security number! There’s never been a problem with her social security number!”

Me: “The problem is that she did not provide us the correct number.”

Mom: “Oh, I told her never to enter her social in online anywhere; it isn’t safe, you know.”

Me: “Yes, well, I still need to speak with [Candidate] about her falsification of her legal paperwork and see what we can do to rectify the situation.”

Mom: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Your daughter put intentionally false information into the form that her employer requires prior to starting. This is a problem. This affects our ability to create her employee records and set up her payroll correctly. This also affects our ability to remain compliant with federal regulations. I need to discuss this with her, so please have her call me back as soon as possible.”

Mom: “But it’s never safe to give out your social online. I can give it you now, though.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is good advice if you are not sure who is asking for that information or why they may need it, but when one has accepted a formal offer of employment and is sent a secure link to login to the HR system to complete paperwork ahead of starting a new job, it is likely a legitimate request. If your daughter had questions regarding the safety of entering the information or necessity for asking for it in the first place, she should have contacted the representative she had been working with instead of lying on her paperwork and falsifying her information. I need you to have her call me as soon as she can. Additionally, you offering to give it out to random people that you have never personally spoken to before is even stupider than telling your daughter to lie on her paperwork.”

Mom: *very quietly* “Oh.”

The Sensitive White Male Will Go Off Before The Cheese Will

, , , , , , , | | Right | August 6, 2019

(I’ve just opened a new package of white American cheese made by a company whose initials are LOL. I set a large plastic bag on the counter and write on it the date, the product code, and “LOL White” as a scowling old man walks up and sees what I’m doing. For reference, he’s white and so am I.)

Old Man: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing?!”

Me: “Huh?”

Old Man: “Laughing at the white man?!”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

(He slams his palm down on the bag I’m writing on.)

Old Man: “Right there! ‘Laughing out loud at the white man!’ F****** millennial [racial slur]-loving libtard feminist SJW socialist traitor!”

(I groan. Oh, joy, another one of those.)

Me: “That’s not what that means.”

Old Man: “Shut up! I know what all those stupid things your generation write on your liberal chat rooms mean! You millennials almost ruined this d*** country trying to destroy the white man! Well, you ain’t gettin’ away with it ever again now that Trump is in charge! Trump’s gonna send you all to Hell where you belong!”

(I grab the block of cheese and slam it on the counter right in the man’s face. Over the course of about three seconds, the look on his face goes from, “What the hell is he doing?” to, “Uh-oh, is that what I think it is?” to, “Oh, God, I’m an idiot,” to “NO, I CAN’T be the idiot!” to, “ENEMY! DESTROY! DESTROY!”. He slams both hands down on the counter and leans over it to scream in my face.)

Old Man: “TRUMP 2020! TRUMP 2020!”

(He turned around and stomped out of the store muttering about “f*****’ [racial slur]-lovers.”)

And People Wonder Why Millennials Are Becoming Entrepreneurs

, , , , , , , | | Working | August 5, 2019

Starting out, let me explain why there wasn’t a mass walkout and I am the only one that quit despite us basically being terrorized and treated like slaves. The job market was in shambles in my city at that time with something like a 40% unemployment rate. I knew someone with a doctorate degree in theoretical physics working at a local fast food joint as it was literally the only place hiring. To quit any job, no matter how bad, was financial suicide and a guarantee that you would not find a new one.

I always worked customer service, food service, and hospitality. At 24, I decided it was time to find a job with benefits and potential for career advancement, and I took a job with a global monstrosity that started out as a mom and pop store. I felt right at home.

I worked hard and constantly took the worst jobs and the worst days off to make sure I would be there on the weakest staffing days to rub elbows with management. It worked, and ten months in I found myself with an offer to promote to low-level management starting January 1.

Starting the weekend before Thanksgiving, the overnight manager started to under-staff shifts — to preserve his end-of-year bonus — and acted surprised when people called out. He would then bully us into staying over with threats of write-ups for not finishing our “assigned tasks.” Upper management was notorious for just signing off on write-ups without looking into their validity, so each staff being assigned 13+ hours of labor to complete in 6 hours was no defense. Since an employee could only get two of those write-ups in a rolling 13-month period before termination, we all would stay over, as well as skip our breaks and lunches to finish.

But there was a catch: since any approved overtime would count against his $73,000 bonus — approximately $0.11 per approved hour — he would never file the approval forms for the OT. This meant that it was considered unapproved, meaning that we were required to get approval to cut hours off our regular shifts to equal out what we stayed over. He, of course, never approved us to cut those hours.

This was resulting in weekly write-ups, from the same manager, for unapproved overtime on those of us that made it to work every day despite the weather and missed holiday get-togethers with our families. Every week we would get our write-up and he would get praise for getting everything done with less staffing hours then typically allocated.

Thankfully, write-ups for unapproved OT didn’t carry a lot of weight, but for three months they counted against your points for promotion opportunities. This went on until the week before Christmas.

When I got my weekly write-up, I was told by the store manager — who offered me my promotion — I would be suspended for “overtime abuse” the next time my manager submitted a write-up for unapproved overtime hours. Determined to not lose my promotion, I started telling the manager no. The second time I refused to stay over without him signing an “overtime approval form” and giving me a physical signed copy, before I hit overtime, he wrote me up for “abusive actions towards a member of management” and “actions with intent to undermine the integrity of management and store policies.”

This instantly cost me my promotion, which greatly upset me, and then, like the idiot he is, he left me alone in his office to sign the write-ups and the acknowledgement that I was no longer promoting.

Initially, I was going to just accept it and resolve myself to spending the next 13 months working my tail off for minimum wage and go up for promotion as soon as they fell off. When I started reading the acknowledgement form, I found I was not eligible to promote to management until I was “write-up free” for five years. This meant six years and one month before I could even try to get promoted again. All because I followed policy.

So, rather than sign it, I wrote, “F*** OFF,” in sharpie on his brand-new desk — which he got for being such a great manager — walked out of his office, handed him my vest and name tag, shredded the write-ups and tossed them into the air like confetti, and told his no-longer-smug face that it was now my personal mission to get him fired.

He lost his cockiness when it sunk in I’d just quit. I could see little beads of panic sweat forming on his forehead, as he realized that the only person capable of performing certain highly-essential functions for his shift was walking out the door. He shouted after me, telling me that he could talk to the general manager and see if he could get the time frame cut down to three years. He offered to approve all of my overtime the rest of the season, offered me a cut of his bonus, and several other offers I can’t remember. Honestly, if he’d offered to withdraw the write-ups — which was still 100% an option but he never offered — I wouldn’t have accepted it, but I might not have followed through on my threat. I was too angry and too determined, and I didn’t care if I became homeless as long as I never had to work there again.

Now, how did I get him fired? Well, due to certain ADA requirements, I was permitted to carry a voice recorder with me at work so I could record important meetings, announcements, and reminders. When I got written up the first time for unapproved overtime, I started recording his “requests” to both me and coworkers. I never used them to dispute the write-ups, but I never deleted them, either. So, I uploaded all the recordings to my computer — nearly 18 hours of audio — and sent it to the home office, CCing every store manager and compliance officer in the district.

When I went in for my last paycheck, he was long gone. I was offered my promotion back, but I declined and said I wasn’t returning to retail.

After five months of being unemployed, living with my mom, and barely surviving, I moved to another state and got a job working with inmates and am very fulfilled.

The Silence Of The Fans

, , , , , , | | Right | July 30, 2019

(There is a villain in Doctor Who known as “The Silence.” They are instantly forgotten the moment you look away from them. My friend is going in to get a tattoo done that features the villain along with the words, “Silence will fall.”)

Tattoo Artist: “So, just the words will be [price].”

Friend: “What about the alien?”

Tattoo Artist: “What alien?”

Friend: “This alien.” *holds up reference picture*

Tattoo Artist: “Oh, right, hang on.” *turns to calculate price* “Just the words will be [same price as before].”

Friend: *getting frustrated* “But what about the alien?!

Tattoo Artist: “What alien?”

Friend: “The f****** alien in the picture!”

Me: “[Friend], I think he’s just messing with you.”

Friend: “What?”

Me: “Remember where the alien comes from?”

Friend: “Son of a b****.”

Tattoo Artist: “Sorry about that, man. All together, it will be [different price than before].”

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