Sweet, Sweet Karma

, , , , , | Right | January 13, 2020

(I’m at the local mall and I decide to poke my head into the candy shop to see if there are any interesting specials. As part of the displays, the store in question sets up chocolate boxes that have cellophane in them so you can see inside and admire the designs on the candy. As I look over them, I notice that one pack clearly has a chocolate missing.)

Me: *calling over the young woman working the floor* “Miss? I think one of your display chocolates got pinched.”

Employee: *coming over and looking at the box* “Yeah, I noticed that, but I’m not worried.”

Me: “Okay, as long as someone knows about it… How do you mean, not worried?”

Employee: “We’ve had that particular box on display for months now; if that chocolate did get stolen, the thief is probably gonna get sick, and if the thief gets sick, it’s not like they can come back on us about it, because they won’t have a receipt!”

(I couldn’t deny her logic!)

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Be Glad They’re Not Going To War

, , , , , , | Related | January 13, 2020

(Every year on New Year’s Eve, my family has a big sleepover at my grandmother’s house. Cousins, grandchildren, and out-of-state relatives will all travel to partake in this. This year, we have someone new participating as my uncle, who lives next door to my grandmother, just got married and now has a 17-year-old stepson. None of us know him very well; most of us are meeting him for the first time at this sleepover. Pretty much all any of us really know about our new cousin is that he really, really likes Star Wars. He notices that one of my younger cousins, who is equally a big fan of Star Wars, is wearing BB-8 pajamas and starts questioning her about her knowledge.)

Cousin #1: “BB-8, huh? Have you seen any of the older movies or just the new ones?”

Cousin #2: “No, I’ve seen them all.”

Cousin #1: “Have you ever actually seen a movie in theaters?”

Cousin #2: “My dad took me to see a free screening of A New Hope at [Local Discount Theater] once.”

Cousin #1: “Oh? Well, then, what about Clone Wars? Have you ever seen either of the Clone Wars cartoons?”

(He eventually starts quizzing her on very specific moments in Star Wars lore and, to her credit, she can answer most of them pretty well until she gets to one question about the show “The Mandalorian” that stumps her.)

Cousin #2: “I don’t know! I haven’t seen it yet because we don’t have Disney+!”

(By this point, I’m starting to worry that he’s gatekeeping and trying to assess whether or not she’s a “true fan,” and I’m getting ready to intervene and defend her if I have to, until I see him smile and get excited.)

Cousin #1: “Yes! I found something you don’t know! Let me get my Xbox so I can show you!”

(He ended up running next door to his house and grabbing his Xbox so they and a bunch of the other kids could stay up all night watching “The Mandalorian” and other Disney shows on his Disney+ account. The next day, the two of them were gushing about Star Wars and he sent her home with a couple of his favorite novels to read. I think he is going to fit in with our family just fine.)

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Half-Baked Excuses  

, , , , , | Right | January 10, 2020

(I am telefundraising for our school.)

Me: “Hello, I’m calling from [School]. Can I speak with Mr. [Call Recipient]?”

Old Man: “Why do you people always call when I’m eating my baked potato?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir… Is there a better time to reach you when you won’t be enjoying your potato?” 

Old Man: “I never know when I’ll be having one… but somehow you always do.”


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Gorillas In The Twist

, , , , , | Related | January 10, 2020

(When I am a small child, I am terrified that there are monsters in my room at night.)

Me: “Mom! There’s a monster under my bed!”

Mom: “Will you knock it off? We go through this every night. There is no monster under your bed. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS!”

Me: “Mom?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Me: “There’s a gorilla under my bed.”

(She couldn’t tell me there were no such things as gorillas, now could she?)

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They Can’t Hold Their Drink

, , , , , | Right | January 9, 2020

(At the drive-thru one day, a car with three young men in it orders a single large drink. I rather suspect what’s about to happen, so I’m ready. Sure enough, it’s the “fire in the hole” prank. I reach both hands out the window and neatly catch the cup.)

Me: “For me? Thank you! I could use a drink, and this is my favorite one.” 

(Cue surprised looks from the men in the car.)

Driver: “How did you…?”

Me: “This ain’t my first rodeo.”

(They drove off, and I enjoyed my free drink.)

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