They Don’t Cover That Part In The Medical Books

, , , , | Related | October 11, 2019

(While waiting at the doctor’s office, I overhear a conversation between a four-year-old girl, her mom, and her aunt. The mom is filling out an intake form for the little girl, chuckling at some of the questions.)

Mom: “Do you have a headache? It’s important to tell the truth, because the doctor needs to know.”

Girl: “Yes. No. Yes. Yes, I do. No.”

Mom: “Okay, are you pregnant?”

Girl: “Nooooooo.”

Aunt: *laughs* “I bet she doesn’t even know what that means.”

Mom: “Tell your aunt what you have to do to become pregnant.”

Girl: *raises her hand and counts off with her fingers* “Go to school! Get a job! Get married! Have lots of babies!”

Mom: “See, I told you she knows.”

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The Tortoise And The Scare

, , , , | Learning | October 11, 2019

(I’m on a team of environmental researchers. We’re operating a mobile laboratory platform that drives around multiple terrains and then stays on-site for weeks at a time. It’s nicknamed “The Tortoise” and has tank treads and is painted in camouflage to blend in with the environment. It looks very military but has “[SCHOOL] DEPT. OF ENVIRO RESEARCH” painted in orange letters on each side. We’re out in the field today moving The Tortoise to a backup site.)

Team Lead: “There’s a twist for today. We need to move The Tortoise across a road.”

Tech #1: “That’s fine. [Local Police] are okay with us blocking off roads. It only takes us about ten seconds to get across the road as is.”

Tech #2: “And last time, they said we should just go ahead and make the crossing. We’ve got hi-vis vests and cones in the truck.”

Team Lead: “Okay. [Tech #1], take [My Name] to the crossing point and get ready to block off traffic. The rest of us will get The Tortoise moving.”

(We get to the crossing point and unload the cones by the side of the road. The Tortoise is very slow-moving, so we’ve got some downtime. [Tech #1] has been on the team for years, and I’m pretty new.)

Me: “Do cars even use this road? No one’s driven by.”

Tech #1: “Technically, yeah. According to the map, it’s in use. I think the park service are the only ones who actually use it, though; it’s not like it really goes anywhere. That’s why the cops don’t care if we blockade it for a bit.”

Team Lead: *on the radio* “We’re almost there. Time to get the cones out.”

([Tech #1] and I don our vests and set up cones. As soon as we set up, the first car we’ve seen drives up. I hold up my hand in the universal “stop” gesture and the car slows to a stop.)

Tech #1: “Huh, just our luck. I wonder who’s out driving in this–”

(At this moment, the unmarked police car throws on its lights and an officer gets out.)

Sheriff: “Hi, folks. I’m with the [County] sheriff’s office. Mind telling me why you’re blocking off the road here?”


(The Tortoise, riding on a set of tank treads, painted in camouflage, and since no one bothered to properly clean it, covered in debris and mud, crawls out of the woods and across the road. The team controlling it follows soon after. Each one of them is so focused on the path ahead that they don’t notice the sheriff. After they roll back into the woods on the opposite side…)

Sheriff: “Uh. What was that?”

Tech #1: “Tortoise.”

(There is a long silence. We begin to gather up the cones.)

Sheriff: “Well… thank you for observing road safety.” 

(Days later:)

Team Lead: “Anyone know why the county sheriff thinks the school owns a tank?”

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He Needs To Cool Off

, , , , , , | Right | October 10, 2019

(I work as a service advisor for a car company. Today is pretty slow and I am taking walk-ins so my technicians have something to do. A guy comes in explaining that he drove to Washington from Florida a few weeks ago and needs an oil change. Since I have nothing scheduled, I check him in. We do the oil change, I give him 10% off for being so friendly, and he is on his way. Thirty minutes later…)

Coworker: “Hey, did you help this guy earlier? He’s on the phone saying we broke his AC and wants to talk to you.”

Me: “Ugh, we don’t even touch the AC system with an oil change, but okay, transfer him over!” *transfers* “Hi, this is [My Name]. I hear you’re having trouble with your vehicle. What’s going on?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m calling because you broke my AC! It was working fine before you did the oil change and now it’s broken!”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m so sorry it isn’t working. Fortunately, my technicians do not touch the AC system during an oil change, but if you’d like, you can come back in and we’ll take a quick look. Is your AC not turning on at all? Is it not cooling? What’s the issue?”

Customer: “I’m telling you my f****** AC doesn’t work! There’s a noise coming out of the vent! It’s broken and I’m pissed! I had no issues until you touched my f****** car. Tell me what’s wrong with it!”

Me: “Okay, once again, we don’t touch your AC system. I can’t say what the issue is, but you can bring it back in and I’ll have a technician check it.”

(The customer hangs up on me. Twenty minutes later, he SPEEDS into the service drive.)

Customer: “Okay, there it is! Tell me what you f****** broke!”

Me: “Can I borrow your key?”

(The customer slams the key onto my counter and I walk out to turn on his vehicle.)

Me: “Sir, could you point out the sound to me?”

Customer: *gets into the passenger seat* “How could you not hear it come on?! There it is, so loud! You broke my AC!”

Me: *lifts a pair of sunglasses from the center console*

(The noise stopped and the customer looked dumbfounded. I got out of the vehicle, told him to have a good day, and walked back inside. The customer sat in his car for a few minutes and then drove off.)

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When The Men Take “Me Too” Seriously

, , , , , | Working | October 10, 2019

(I work away from home a lot, and on this job, I’m part of a team that’s all staying in the same hotel. I run to keep fit, so I always take my running gear with me when I’m staying away. I go out for a run one evening and pass some of my colleagues on their way to get food as I do so. The next day, I hear a commotion from another part of the store, shortly before one of my team leaders appears with one of the other guys dragging his feet behind him.)

Team Leader: “[Coworker] has something to say to you.”

Coworker: *mutters something inaudible*

Team Leader: “I don’t think that [My Name] heard that.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry for taking photos of you while you were running last night and showing them to other people. I won’t do it again.”

Team Leader: “He’s deleted the photos from his phone and Google Images, and he emptied the bin. They’re gone.”

Coworker: “It’s not my fault you have a nice a***.”

Team Leader: “And it seems we need to have another chat.”

(Luckily, that was someone assigned to set up a department on the mezzanine level, and I was setting up one downstairs, so I didn’t have to encounter him very often. The other blokes on the team all agreed that he was out of line. As the guy I was working alongside put it, “Yeah, you’ve got a nice a***, but taking a photo of it without your permission is rude, and sharing that photo is completely out of line.”)

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Peaky Binders

, , , , , | Right | October 10, 2019

Customer: “I have to return these binders my kids didn’t need for school. I don’t have the receipt.”

Me: “Did you maybe get the receipt emailed to you?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Hmm. Normally, we could look up the receipt with the SKU of the item and verify it with your card number, but we have sold so many of these binders in the last few weeks it would take us forever to find it. Without a receipt, the register will only let me give you a store credit for the lowest price it’s been sold at in the last 90 days, and these were buy-one-get-one-free recently, so I know they’re going to come up at a penny. Do you want to try looking for your receipt and coming back?”

Customer: “Well, can’t you just scan them and see?”

Me: “Okay.” *scans them and they all come up at a penny* “No, it won’t let me give you anything for them, unfortunately.”

Customer: “Well, what if I just buy new ones and use that receipt to return them?”

Me: *hesitantly* “That’s… fraud…”

Customer: “How is that fraud?”

Me: “Because you’re using a new receipt to return something old. And they’re not on sale anymore, so if you originally bought them on sale, you would be getting more money back than what you paid for them. Plus, you would still be stuck with binders you don’t want, anyway.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because you would have twice as many binders as you have on your receipt.”

Customer: “Well, I would just go to another store to return the other ones.”

Me: “You can’t do that.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “You can’t return something twice with the same receipt.”

Customer: “It’s not fraud just because I can’t find my receipt!”

Me: “No, but trying to buy new ones and return them all at the new price is fraud. Are you sure you can’t just find your receipt?”

(She leaves and calls the store to talk to a manager — I’m pretty sure she is just calling from the parking lot — and the manager says we can try looking her receipt up. She comes back in immediately and my manager can’t find her receipt.)

Manager: “I can’t find the receipt. And these binders have had different sale prices during the back to school time, and they’re expensive, so I can’t just return them without a receipt.”

Customer: “Can’t you just scan ones from the shelf, then? So they don’t ring up as a penny?”

Manager: “They’re the same binders.”

Customer: “But the ones I’ve brought in ring up as a penny. Can’t you just scan new ones so they scan at full price?”

Manager: “No, they’re the same binders; they will still ring up at a penny. The register does it automatically when there isn’t a receipt.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why can’t just give me what I paid for them!”

Manager: “Because you don’t have a receipt… which tells us what you paid for them…”

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