Either Way, Someone’s Wearing Diapers

, , , | Right | April 16, 2009

(I’m selling movie theater tickets to a couple that’s obviously in their 30s or 40s.)

Me: “So for two adults, the total is $19.”

Male Customer: “Can’t we get a discount? She’s a senior! How old do you have to be to be a senior?”

Me: “She has to be 60 to be a senior.”

Male Customer: “She’s 59 and a half! Can we get a discount?”

(It’s a slow day, so I oblige.)

Me: “Well… all right. How about $16.50?”

Male Customer: “Awesome, you’re the best! So you gave her the senior ticket, right?”

Me: “No, sir, I gave you a child.”

Female Customer: *laughs* “Thank you! You’ve definitely got him figured out!”

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Jurassic Farce

, , , | Right | April 15, 2009

Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH, NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)

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There’s More Where That Came From… Usually

, , , | Right | April 14, 2009

Customer: “I’m looking for a book on Ronald Reagan.”

Me: “Okay, well, that would be right here in the American history section.”

Customer: “It’s a particular book, one with transcripts of all his speeches. I’ve seen it here before.”

(I spend at least 15 minutes exhaustively searching the shelves to find the book, with no luck.)

Me: “It seems we don’t have it. If you’d like, I can write it down and call you if we get another copy in.”

Customer: “That’s impossible. You always had it right here.”

Me: “I’m sorry, someone must have bought it.”

Customer: *exasperated* “I know. I’m the one who bought it.”

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The Fine Art Of Firing A Customer

, , , | Right | April 14, 2009

(A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a trouble-making customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

Customer: “Hi. I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

(The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck, then stops by the office.)

Customer: “All right, I moved everything out of my storage.”

Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

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May Contain Scenes Of Gratuitous Bowie

, , | Right | April 13, 2009

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for this movie for my daughter: Pan’s Labyrinth. I heard it was very good.”

Me: “Yes, it was very good.”

Customer: “Do you think the girls would like it?”

Me: “I don’t know; how old are they?”

Customer: “Nine.”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, Pan’s Labyrinth isn’t really a kids movie. It’s about the Spanish Civil War.”

Customer: “The what?”

Me: “The Spanish Civil War. General Franco. There’s a scene where a man gets his face beaten in.”

Customer: “But in the previews it looks like a kid’s movie, like that other movie with puppets.”

Me: “Do you mean Labyrinth?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “That may be a better choice. Trust me.”

Customer: *leaves*

Coworker: “I don’t know if David Bowie’s giant crotch is really safe for kids either…”

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