Ah, Parents…

, , , , | Right | February 9, 2008

(The phone rings at around six-ish.)

Me: “Hello, this is D-…”

(I hear loud crying in the background.)

Man: “Hello, Disney World? I’m just calling to say that if my children don’t finish their vegetables in the next five minutes, we won’t be visiting you this year.”

Me: “I… er… What?”

Man: *whispering* “Thank you.” *click*

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A Nasty Case Of Selective Illiteracyosis

, , , | Right | February 9, 2008

(We have a “buy two, get one free” sale right after Christmas. The sign clearly says “lowest item free.”)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy these…” *shows me two $2.99 games for the Gamecube* “…and get this one free.” *shows me a used copy of Halo 3 for $54.99*

Me: “I’d like a million dollars.”

Customer: “I’m serious!”

Me: “So am I, sir. I’m sorry, that’s not how the ‘buy two, get one free’ works. You’d get one of the $2.99 games free.”

Customer: “THAT’S NOT WHAT THE SIGN SAYS! IT SAYS ‘BUY TWO, GET ONE FREE’!”

(I take the sign off wall and read it to customer.)

Me: “‘Buy two games, get one free’ on all used games. Please note that the lowest priced item will be free.”

Customer: “That’s not what the sign says! I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t believe you can sue me because you can’t read.”

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That Darned Cat

, , , , | Right | February 8, 2008

(I work as a computer tech and do in house calls, I got a call one day and went to the customer’s house to assist with her computer not coming on.)

Customer: “Thank god you’re here!”

Me: “What’s wrong with the computer?”

Customer: “It won’t turn on at all, not even the monitor.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I begin to look at it, and it won’t come on at all, the tower or the monitor, so I check the easy things first. I find her power strip unplugged from the wall and plugged into itself.  I plug it into the wall and the computer magically comes on.)

Me: “Okay, your problem was that your power strip was plugged into itself, and therefore did not have any power to the computer.”

Customer: “How do you think that happened?”

Me: “Well, I’m sure your foot got caught up in it and accidentally unplugged it from the wall, and then you saw a plug hanging there later and plugged it into the power strip.”

Customer: “No, I don’t think that happened.”

Me: “Well, I’m not sure as to what really happened, but that is what I think happened.”

Customer: “I think my cat did it.”

Me: “I’m sorry.”

Customer: “I think my cat got back there and got caught up in it and unplugged it.”

Me: “That’s possible…”

Customer: “But how did it get plugged into itself?”

Me: “I’m sure you saw it hanging there and plugged it into the power strip.”

Customer: “No, I’m pretty sure the cat did that too.”

Me: “I don’t think the cat can or did do that.”

Customer: “Yeah, he did… He does all kinds of stuff like that. One day I came home and he had turned the thermostat up.”

(She was pointing at the thermostat which was on a wall with no way for the cat to get to it… and it was digital, so the cat would have had to push the button several times. When I got back to the office and turned the work order in all the coworkers laughed because under problem description it said, “Cat unplugged power strip and plugged it into itself.” Since that day, every time we get a simple call we joke with each other and ask if the customer has a cat.)

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One-Woman Wrecking Crew

, , | Right | February 5, 2008

Woman: “I’ve been standing out there trying to pump gas for the last 10 minutes! Your @&$%*# gas pump is broken!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ll go out with you and see what I can do.”

(I see a bright red “Out of Order” bag on the nozzle; she had shoved everything into her tank, bag and all.)

Me: “Yes, that pump is broken. You’ll need to pull up to another pump.”

Woman: “Oh, well you guys should really mark it better. I wasted a lot of time here!”

Me: “Um… yes, we usually put a traffic cone in front.”

Woman: “Oh yeah…I saw it, but I didn’t know what it was for, so I just drove over it.”

(The cone was wedged under her car.)

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No More Miss Cleo For You

, , , | Right | February 2, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling guest relations. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. One of your hotels stole something from me and I would like you to return that item to me or I will sue you.”

Me: “We will certainly conduct an investigation. At which property was it left?”

Customer: “The [Hotel Chain].”

Me: “Ok… What city and state?”

Customer: “The [Hotel Chain]!”

Me: “I understand which brand name.. Can you please tell me the location of the property?”

Customer: “It’s on [Street].”

Me: “Ok, and what city and state is that in?”

Customer: “By the ocean.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Which city and state?”

Customer: “Florida. It’s not my job to tell you where it’s located.”

Me: “Well, as I’m sure you can appreciate, we have over 3,000 properties in the US alone. So I will need you tell me which city in Florida this is located…”

(Customer provides the name of city.)

Me: “Ok, great. And this is the [Hotel Chain] on [Street], correct? So what is missing?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “No. I visited my psychic this week, and she told me that one of the employees at that hotel, where I just came from this past weekend, stole something from me. The employee is female with dark hair and her name starts with an ‘M’.”

Me: “Ok… but can you tell me what you’re missing, please? That way I can have this documented and the hotel can investigate the situation.”

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS STOLEN, BUT MY PSYCHIC DOES NOT LIE.”

Me: “Ma’am, I certainly apologize for any inconvenience experienced… but I’m sure you can appreciate that I would need to know what was taken to forward over to the hotel. Have you gone through your items?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “And?”

Customer: “I can’t find anything. But your hotel better return my items or I will sue you!”

Me: “I’d love to help you. Please call us back when you have discovered what was missing. Thank you.”

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