Employee Of The Year, Part 2

, | Right | July 8, 2009

(I’m English and backpacking in New Zealand. I’ve just started work in a fast food place and am on the drive-thru for the first time.)

Manager: “Okay. What you have to do is talk to the customers and make them feel really welcome. Get a bit chatty if you can.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. Watch this…”

(A customer drives down to my window to pay for his food.)

Me: “Hey there, how you doing? That will be [price].”

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Me: “England.”

Customer: “Whereabouts in England?”

Me: “Hull.”

Customer: “ME, TOO! I’m from [Road]!”

Me: “Sweet! I grew up just round the corner from there! Was it a nightmare having them build the new stadium right on your doorstep?”

Customer: “No way! Yer, was a right pain! Speaking of which, did you see the Tigers play the other night?”

Me: “Nah, I missed it. I was working. I heard the result though, get it!”

Customer: “Let’s see if we come out on top at the end of the season! Anyway, I best go pick up my food. I am sure you have other customers to serve. My name is [Customer] by the way. What’s yours?”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

(We shake hands through the window.)

Customer: “Nice to meet you, man. I will be sure to see you around.”

Me: “Yeah, have a good day, mate!”

(The customer drives to the next window. I turn to look at my manager who has a look of total disbelief.)

Me: “And that’s how you do that.”

Manager: “Yeah, I will leave you to it. I think you got the hang of it!”


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No Scam Like The Present

, , | Right | July 7, 2009

Me: “Good morning, ma’am. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I would like $10 on pump five.”

Me: “All right, ma’am. Have a nice day!”

(The customer then gets out and starts walking to her car which is indeed on pump five… and then just drives off without pumping gas. I hold her $10 in case she comes back, and sure enough, she returns about an hour later.)

Customer: *furious* “I can’t pump my gas, you little s***! You stole my money!”

Me: “Ma’am, you left the money on your pump about an hour ago.”

Customer: “I know! You were supposed to hold it for me. What kind of service is this that you won’t do that?”

Me: “Ma’am, I have your money right here and can put it on the pump if you want.”

Customer: “You d***ed better put that money on my pump… all $50 of it!”

Me: “Ma’am, you only gave me $10 for the pump.”

Customer: “I so did not! I gave you $50. I have my receipt right here!”

(The customer hands me a receipt that indeed says $50 dollars — but it’s dated from five months ago.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have your receipt from today and it says $10. The receipt you handed me has a date from five months ago.”

Customer: “You mean those receipts have dates on them?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh…” *runs out, leaving her $10 and never returning again*


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Double The 60Hz, Double The Fun

, , , | Right | July 6, 2009

(I notice an elderly couple in my department, browsing TVs.)

Me: “Welcome to [Electronics Store]. Is there anything I can help you find today?”

Husband: “Yes, we’re looking for a 46″ TV, but we aren’t sure what kind we need. Can you help us?”

Me: “Certainly. First off, what will you mostly be watching? Sports, movies, video games?”

Husband: “Mostly p*rn.”

Wife: “Oh, don’t tell him that!”

Me: “Well, then I suppose we’ll be needing an LCD with motion processing.”

Wife: “Why’s that?”

Me: “Well, we wouldn’t want it to blur during the good parts…”

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As The Checkout Line Churns

, , , , , | Right | July 6, 2009

(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [Name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking; we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh… I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [Brother]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [Mom]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [Estranged Father]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you. I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they are watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God… Please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh… no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [My Stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me: *to Boss* “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

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Always Right, Even From Beyond The Grave

, , , | Right | July 2, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Hello, welcome to [Magazine]. How can I help?”

Caller: “I want to cancel my husband’s subscription.”

Me: “Okay. Could I speak to your husband, as he is the account holder?”

Caller: “I’m sorry, he passed away last week. That’s why I’m calling. I won’t have to pay what he owes, will I?”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, madam. I’ll cancel that and you are correct; you won’t be charged.”

(I take the details. At the end, I say she can receive one more copy, free.)

Caller: “I’m sorry, I’m not following. I’ve had a lot to deal with since my husband died. We only buried him yesterday.”

Me: *feeling dreadful for her* “Of course. I’ll go through it again.”

(I run through it, stopping at intervals to check that she understands. She says she does.)

Me: “Would you like the free copy? This month you get money off vouchers for books.”

(15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you there?”

Caller: “I still don’t understand, dear. I’m not good with this stuff. Let me get my husband; he usually deals with this.”

Me: “Madam, you told me your husband died.”

Caller: *flustered* “I didn’t.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you did. You told me your husband died, his funeral was yesterday, and you asked me to cancel his contract and not charge you.”

Caller: *now getting agitated* “I didn’t. You misunderstood.”

Me: “Madam, we record calls. I can arrange for you to speak to a manager once the called has been reviewed, if you wish.”

(Another 15 seconds of silence.)

Me: “Madam, are you still there?”

Caller: *click*

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