Sophocles, World’s First Toilet Humorist

, , , | Right | April 26, 2008

(It was summer reading time for the high schoolers near our store. This girl comes in, smacking her gum and looking rather bored.)

Girl: “I need this book, it’s called… something like Ode to Pus or something.”

Me: “Ode… to Pus?”

Girl: “Yeah it’s by some guy named So-fo-Kulls?”

Me: “You mean… you need to read Oedipus by Sophocles?”

Girl: “Yeah, yeah. Ode to Pus by that guy.”

(I’ve never laughed so hard in my entire life.)

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Creative Ways To Use Google Earth

, , , | Right | April 25, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank]. May I please have your 16-digit account number?”

Customer: “I can’t.”

Me: “That’s fine. May I please have your Social Security number so I’m able to find you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need my balance right now!”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that, but I need to be able to look you up in the computer. Do you have your account number or your Social Security number?”

Customer: “I’m on a cell phone. I can’t give you that; it’s not SECURE!”

Me: “Umm… okay? Would you like to call us back on a land-line so that your call is more ‘secure’?”

Customer: “I’m busy! Can’t you just give me my balance?”

Me: “I can as soon as I’m able to look you up in the computer. How would you like me to do that?”

Customer: “I’m not going to do your job for you! Now tell me my balance!”

(At this point, I’ve had enough.)

Me: “Okay, sir. Do you have your credit card with you?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Can you please take it out of your wallet and hold it above your head?”

Customer: “Okay, I’m doing that.”

Me: “Thank you, may I please put you on hold while I contact NASA to move the satellite to your location and send us a picture?”

Customer: “Okay, just don’t take too long about it!”

(I place the customer on hold and go on break. Surprisingly, he’s still there when I get back.)

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we were unable to read the picture. Did you move at all?”

Customer: “Yeah, I put it back in my wallet.”

Me: “Okay, that’s the problem. Could you please just read it to me so I can look up your balance?”

Customer: “NO, I TOLD YOU I’M ON A CELL PHONE AND IN A HURRY!” *customer hangs up*

(My boss didn’t know if I should be fired or given a award.)

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Shoulda Filled It With Apples

, , , | Right | April 24, 2008

Customer: “I want to return this computer.”

Me: “Okay, I can help you with that. Where is it?”

(The customer puts a badly damaged computer box on the counter. I open the box and find that it’s filled with oranges.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m unable to accept this for return.”

Customer: “When I opened the box, it was filled with oranges! I want my money back.”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

(The customer hands me a hand written receipt from a generic receipt book.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, this is not a store receipt. I’m unable to accept this.”

Customer: “The guy I bought it from said he got it here for $99 dollars and if I didn’t like it, I could return it here. I want my money back, I got ripped off!”

Me: “Sir, I apologize that you gave this guy your money, but it seems he gave you a box of oranges and a fake receipt. I’m unable to help you…”

(At this point customer gets very loud and starts throwing oranges around the store. Someone calls the police and he is eventually arrested. To this day, I’m unsure if I should laugh or feel sorry for the guy.)

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Conscience: We Loves It

, , , , , , , | Right | April 23, 2008

(This is around Halloween, and Halloween parties in Madison is THE biggest event of the year. My store has many Halloween costumes and other Halloween-related products during that time. I am at my cash register for check-out when a customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Hi. Uhh… I’d like to buy these.”

(The customer puts down a wig, make-ups, a pantyhose, condoms, and lubes on my register.)

Me: “Okay.” *starts scanning*

Customer: “…”

Me: *still scanning*

Customer: “DON’T JUDGE ME!” *runs out*

Me: “?!”

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A Case Of The Computer Cooties

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2008

(The office downstairs sometimes calls up to us for tech support. They’re not too great with computers.)

Guy: *from downstairs* “I think one of the computers has a virus.”

Me: “Okay, which one?”

Guy: “The one in the middle of the office.”

(This seems strange, as I remember that they don’t have any computers in the middle of the room.)

Me: “Have you moved the computers recently?”

Guy: “Yeah, we put it in the middle of the office so the other computers wouldn’t catch the virus!”

(I went downstairs and a disconnected desktop stands in all its glory in the middle of the room. It didn’t have a virus.)

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