Don’t Huff A Book By Its Cover

, , , | Right | August 26, 2009

(I notice a group of kids come into our library and head back to an unused selection of history books where they are hidden from sight. I go back to ask if they need assistance.)

Me: “Hello, were you looking for anything in particular today?”

Kid #1: “Uh… we’re fine. Just doing a report.” *holds up a book about the county from a few years back*

Me: “Oh, well, we have a newer version that you can borrow. It’ll be more accurate.”

Kid #1: “Well, I like this one. It’ll work fine, thanks.”

Kid #2: “Hey, actually do you have an older book?”

Me: “Sure, does this work?”

Kid #2: “Yeah, thanks!”

Me: “No problem.”

(I go back and talk to my coworker who promptly gets up and heads over to where the kids are. He comes back a few minutes later.)

Me: “What were they doing, anyway?”

Coworker: “They were trying to get high off the old book glue. Lucky that older brand doesn’t work.”

Me: “How’d you get them to leave?”

Coworker: “I told the truth: that most of that dust comes from dead bugs and other people’s skin cells.”

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On The Straight And Narrow (Minded)

, , , | Right Romantic | August 26, 2009

(I’m a female customer sitting in a pub. I’m approached by a male customer while I read a book.)

Male Customer: “Hello, my name is [Name].”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Male Customer: “So can I have your number?”

Me: “Oh. Actually, I’m gay.”

Male Customer: “You want to have sex with women?”

Me: “Well, not right now. Right now, I just want to read my book.”

Male Customer: “That’s bull-s***! If you’re a lesbian then you want to have sex with women!”

Me: “Honestly, I just want to read my book.”

Male Customer: “You’re lying to me; that’s very rude! I’m going to complain!”

Male Customer: *to a waitress* “That girl over there is being really rude. I want you to do something, it’s disturbing my day. She just lied to me and told me that she was a lesbian, and now she’s mocking me.”

Waitress: “What am I supposed to do about that? Make her straight?”

Male Customer: “Just do something about it!”

Waitress: *to me* “Hello, there.”

Me: “Hello. I’m sorry about him.”

Waitress: “Oh, it’s no problem! So, can I have your number?”

Male Customer: *looks horrified*

Me: “Er, yeah, sure. Here.”

(I write my number on a napkin and she takes it, still smiling.)

Waitress:*to male customer* “See? She’s a lesbian.”

Male Customer: “That’s not what I wanted you to do! I didn’t want you to ask her out, I wanted you to make her leave! I demand to speak to your manager!”

Waitress: “Oh, he’s just popped out. I can get his boyfriend for you though if you want?”

Male Customer: *storms out cursing*

(It turned out that the waitress was kidding about her manager, but she wasn’t kidding about asking me out!)

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Dances With Fools

, , , | Right | August 25, 2009

Customer: “I’m hoping you can help me. I saw a movie on TV with Kevin Costner and I want to rent it but I don’t know what it was called.”

Me: “Okay, what was it about?”

Customer: “I don’t know, I didn’t see it all. But what I saw was him with a mustache.”

Me: “Okay. Was it Western-themed?”

Customer: “I didn’t see it.”

Me: “Well, did it look like it was set in a different time period?”

Customer: “No. It was with Kevin Costner. So, some time in the last 30 years.”

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About To Get Charged With Battery

, , , , , | Right | August 24, 2009

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

(I was put on hold for a minute.)

Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*

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Taxing Faxing

, , , | Right | August 21, 2009

Me: “Hello, Mrs. [Customer], I have the bid for your cabinets done.”

Customer: “Great, thanks! Can you fax me a copy?”

Me: “No problem; what’s the number?”

Customer: *gives me the number*

Me: “Okay, I will send it over right now.”

Customer: “One more thing. This fax is at my work. Could you please fold the paper in half before you fax it? I don’t want any of my coworkers to know that I am remodeling my house!”


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