The Best Of Intentions, The Worst Of Retentions

, , | Right | May 26, 2009

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, ma’am, this is [Bookstore]. I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.”

Customer: “What? You’re who?”

Me: “This is [Bookstore]. You ordered a book from us and it’s here.”

Customer: “I ordered a book?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I don’t remember ordering anything.”

Me: “The order sticker says you ordered it last week. The title is Improving Your Memory.”

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Sued To Satisfaction

, , , , | Right | May 22, 2009

(I’m next in line at the cash register when a middle-aged woman shoves me out the way.)

Woman: “Last week that dress was only 80€. Now I come back today and it’s 110€.”

Cashier: *to me* “I’m sorry.” *to the woman* “Yes, we had a promotion last week for that brand but it has already ended.”

Woman: “NO! This is false advertising! Give it to me for 80€!”

Cashier: “The promotion has ended. That has nothing to do with false advertising.”

Woman: “GIVE IT TO ME FOR 80€ OR I’LL SUE THE H*** OUT OF YOU!”

Cashier: “I’m just going to call a manager. One second, please.”

(The annoying woman now looks incredibly smug as she apparently — as do I — expects them to cave in. After a minute a manager comes over and the cashier relays the story to him.)

Manager: “I see.” *fumbles around his pockets and hands the woman a piece of paper* “That’s the card of our lawyer. As you threatened to sue us, our employees are, as per policy, no longer allowed to talk to you. For further communications please contact the number on the card. Thank you and have a nice day.”

(The manager walks away and the cashier motions to me to step forward and starts scanning my purchase.)

Cashier: *ignoring the woman* “Do you have a loyalty card?”

Woman: “You can’t be serious. I’d still would’ve bought it!”

Me: *also ignoring her, to cashier* “No, thank you.”

Cashier: “Do you need a bag for 5¢?”

Woman: “Don’t you know how much I buy here?! Sell it to me for 110€ or I’ll take my business elsewhere!”

Me: *grinning uncontrollably, to cashier* “No, but thank you.”

Cashier: “All right. Have a nice day.”

Woman: “WHY IS EVERYONE IGNORING ME?! HELLO? I WANT THAT DRESS NOW!”

Me: “Thank you, I’m having a great day already.”

(Best. Policy. Ever.)

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Tip Of The Day: How To Apply For A Federal Bailout

, , | Right | May 21, 2009

Me: “Alright, sir, you’re all set. Anything else I can do for you today?”

Bank Customer: *jokingly* “Yeah, you can deposit a million dollars into my account.”

Me: “Sir, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that, I’d have a million dollars.”

Bank Customer: *hangs up laughing*

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Best Bytes In The Bunch

, , , | Right | May 20, 2009

(An elderly man approaches me to purchase a Mac laptop for his granddaughter.)

Customer: “Hey, I have some questions about that laptop.”

Me: “Sure, what can I help you with?”

Customer: “That laptop is an Apple, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I’m buying it for my granddaughter, but she’s allergic to apples. Can I get the same one, but in another fruit?”

Me: “…what? You do know that the laptops aren’t made of apples?”

Customer: “Then why display only an apple? It should be a selection.”

Me: “…I’ll get someone to help you.”

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Tall-Size Steps Towards Venti-Size Change

, , | Right | May 20, 2009

(A regular customer comes through the drive-thru. She’s a difficult person to deal with and we have a new barista on bar tonight.)

Customer: “My usual, please.”

(I take her money and keep an eye on our new barista while he makes her tricky drink. He makes it just right. When the barista hands it over to me, she pulls a face suddenly.)

Customer: “Who’s THAT?”

Me: “Oh, that’s [Name], our newest barista! He took extra care with your drink tonight. I was watching.”

(I had been watching him make it and knew it was perfect. She then took a sip and made a face.)

Customer: “Too sweet! Honey, could YOU just make it for me? YOU always get it right.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I go to the bar and pretend to make things next to the new guy, who is really making her drink. Then I walk over and hand the new barista-made beverage out to her.)

Customer: *sipping* “Mmm! PERFECT! I knew YOU wouldn’t let me down!”

Me: “Actually, [Name] made that one, too. I just kept an extra eye on him to make sure it was absolutely perfect, and now he knows exactly how to do it for next time, too!”

Customer: “….uh… well…it IS a little OFF, but I’ll let it slide this time.”

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