I’m Sorry… That You And Your Son Are Idiots

, , , , | Right | September 17, 2008

(The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night, the kid’s mother found me.)

Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl [My Name] that was working last night!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I was here for that.”

Mom: “The police told me a girl named [My Name] told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

Me: “Well, ma’am, your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “…”

Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

Me: “For what?”

Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

Mom: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “Sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

Me: “You might be a while, ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

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The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To Get Neutered

, , , | Right | September 15, 2008

Me: “Animal hospital. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

Me: “…what, sir?”

Caller: “Prostitute dogs. Do you have them there?”

Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “My dog wont stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “That’s bull-s***. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

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How Spider-woman Goes Shopping

, , | Right | September 13, 2008

Customer: “Excuse me, where is the exit to the street?”

Me: “Take the escalator down to the first floor and go out any of the doors.”

Customer: “Down? I have to go down? But I came in on this floor.”

Me: “Ma’am, this is the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “But I came in on this floor.”

Me: “That’s impossible; this is the 3rd floor.”

Customer: “Are you sure? I swear I came in on this floor. And you know, the customer is always right. ”

Me: “Unless you scaled the building to get in, I am right on this one.”

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Amen

, | Right | September 13, 2008

(A customer runs in two minutes to closing time.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we’re closing soon.”

Customer: “What do you mean, you’re closing? But I haven’t had time to get what I want!”

Me: “We’re open again tomorrow, 9 til 9.”

Customer: “You should stay open until 10. People need to do their shopping, you know.”

Me: “Sir, people like you are the reason that people like me don’t have lives.”

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Kitteh Sez STFU

, , , | Right | September 13, 2008

(I’m tending to the cats at our pet store when a young woman comes up and points at a small tabby, Velma.)

Me: “Ah, would you like to see Velma? She’s a little shy but very sweet.”

Customer: “I can has cat?”

Me: “Um… if you are interested in adopting, I’ll be happy to get out Velma or any of the cats so that you can get to know them a little better.”

Customer: “I can has lolcat?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “She is in her playpen, stealin our funs!”

Me: “You know, pets can be a big responsibility, and I’m not sure a cat would be the best thing for you right now.”

Customer: “K thanks bye!” *turns and walks out of the store*

Me: *to Velma* “I think I may have just saved your life.”

 

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