Abandon All Hope, All Ye In Dante’s Diner

, , , , | Right | May 14, 2009

(We provide a complimentary bowl of prawn crackers at our restaurant. When I go to take a customers order, I notice he has eaten the entire bowl.)

Customer: “You know, I’m allergic to MSG. I’ll die immediately if I even eat one milligram.”

Me: “Those prawn crackers you just ate have MSG in them.”

Customer: “Oh, my God, I’m going to die!”

(Two hours later, when the bill comes around…)

Customer: “I don’t think I should pay for the meal. I’m going to die anyway.”

Me: “Um… yes, that will happen eventually, but it’s been two hours and you’re still kicking.”

Customer: “Maybe I’ve died and we’re all in purgatory? In that case, technically, I haven’t eaten anything.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to pay for your meal.”

Customer: “Purgatory waitresses aren’t very compassionate, are they?”

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Goodbye Fighting, Hello Kitty

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2009

(The bar I am at has a reputation for lots of fighting, and they are trying to change that. One of their methods is to enforce a dress code after nine. I’m at the bar the day their new dress code starts. There is a guy drinking with a cap with the logo of a sports team.)

Bouncer #1: “Hey, man, new rule: no sports hats after nine.”

Guy: “What?! Since when? Why?”

Bouncer #1: “Since today, because last week alone we had sixteen different fights start because some guy got drunk and told somebody else the team on their hat sucked.”

Guy: “So I have to leave?”

Bouncer #1: “Not if you take off the hat.”

Guy: “Yeah, sure, fine.” *takes off hat*

(Ten minutes later, the guy puts the hat back on his head.)

Bouncer #2: “Hey, man, no sports hats after nine.”

Guy: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” *takes hat off again*

(Ten minutes later, hat goes back on head.)

Bouncer #2: “Really, man, again?”

Guy: “I don’t like drinking without a hat on, so what are you going to do about it?”

([Bouncer #2] leaves and comes back with the bar owner.)

Owner: “Okay, look, man. I don’t want any more trouble, so the way I see it, you have three options: one, you and your hat walk out that door and don’t come back; two, your hat goes behind the bar, and you get it back as you leave.”

Guy: “Not going to do either of those.”

Owner: “Option three it is, then.”

(The owner pulls out a roll of Hello Kitty-print duct tape, rips off a piece, and uses it to cover the logo on the hat.)

Owner: “You now support the Pretty Kitties. I don’t know what sport they play, and I don’t care, but they don’t have any rival teams, so there is no fighting about who is better, got it? You can take the tape off when you leave.”

(Now, every night at the bar I see several Pretty Kitty supporters, and the amount of fights has decreased dramatically.)

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Vocabulary, Meet Veracity

, , | Related | May 11, 2009

(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two-year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little Girl: “Dammitjulia!”

(Needless to say, “Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)

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Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Test

, , | Right | May 7, 2009

(My mom and I are leaving from the place where I took the test to get my driver’s license when we see another car drive in. A man steps out of the car and talks to the lady in charge of giving the driver’s test. )

Driver: “I’m here to take my driver’s test.”

Employee: “Who drove you here?”

Driver: “I drove myself.”

Employee: “You drove yourself here to take the test to get your driver’s license?”

Driver: “Yes.”

Employee: “That could be a problem…”

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They Charge Extra For The Tail End Of The Journey

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling [Company] Airlines. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much would it cost for my dog to travel with me?”

Me: “It’s $50 per leg.”

Customer: “Oh, she only has three legs, so how much would that cost?”

Me: “…that’s $50 per leg, as in travel segments.”

Customer: “Oh… Thank you.” *hangs up*

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