Postal Paranoia

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2008

Me: “All right, ma’am. And may I have your zip code?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Well, it’s something I have to take. Don’t worry, we–”

Woman: “No!”

Me: “I, uh–”

Woman: “No! You’re not getting my zip code.”

Me: “Right. Because I’m going to TAKE that zip code and knock on the door of EVERY house in the code just to FIND YOU!”

(The customer left, but I felt a lot better.)

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Aloha, Mofo

, , | Right | May 9, 2008

Me: “Hello! How can I help you?”

Customer: “¿Hablas español?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Customer: “Why not? Why didn’t your parents teach you?”

Me: “Because we’re Hawaiian.”

Customer: “Well, that’s not an excuse.”

Me: “Do you speak Hawaiian?”

Customer: “Of course not! I’m Colombian.”

Me: “Well, that’s no excuse.”

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Fully Armed And Operational Feminine Wiles

, , | Right | May 7, 2008

(A very attractive woman gets out of a Mercedes. She is wearing a mini skirt and halter top. Her outfit leaves nothing to the imagination.)

Attractive Customer: “I need 20 on 3.”

Me: “Okay.” *I ring her up and she pays*

Attractive Customer: “So is someone else working or do you pump the gas?”

Me: “This is a self-service station; we don’t pump the gas for you.”

Attractive Customer: “Well, there is no way I am pumping the gas myself.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t pump the gas for you.”

Attractive Customer: “This is no way to get a tip! I am the customer and I want you to pump the gas for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if I leave the counter I could be fired. As I said this is a self-service station; it means you have to do it yourself.”

Attractive Customer: “FINE!”

(She then walks out to her car and yells…)

Attractive Customer: “Is someone going to pump me or do I have to do it myself?!”

(Every guy at the station started running over to help her.)

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Touché

, , | Right | May 5, 2008

(Our bar has been reserved for a private party. Signs are up all over the place, on fluorescent pink paper, including on the front door, right at eye level. A customer approaches the bar.)

Me: “Hi… I’m sorry, but the bar’s closed to the public tonight as there’s a private function taking place.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t see the sign on the door!”

Me: “So… how do you know it’s there?”

Customer: “…”

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If Exes Ruled The World

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2008

Customer: “I want to cancel my ex-husband’s policy.”

Me: “Are you on the policy with him?”

Customer: “No, but his new girlfriend is. That’s why I’d like it canceled.”

Me: “You can’t cancel a policy that isn’t yours.”

Customer: “Why not?! It used to be my policy!”

Me: “Well, because you no longer have authorization to make such a change.”

Customer: “Well, he didn’t have authorization to bring that b**** into my house, but he did it anyway. I’m pretty sure you can cancel his policy.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure you need to see a therapist. Thanks for calling.”

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