Cryogenic Chirpers

, , , | Right | June 2, 2009

(A customer is trying to find something else for her lizard to eat so she doesn’t need to buy live crickets so often.)

Me: “Well, we do have this can of freeze-dried crickets. I don’t know how well your gecko will take to them, but it may be worth a shot?”

Customer: “Okay… So, how do I bring them back to life? Add water?”

Me: “No… they’re dead.”

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Enigmatic Espresso

, , | Right | June 2, 2009

Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: *in drive-thru* “I don’t know.”

Me: “Er… would you like any suggestions?”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know what it is I always get. My daughter usually gets it for me.”

Me: “Okay, no big deal. Was it hot or cold?”

Customer: “Both.”

Me: “…was it ‘coffee’ or ‘not coffee’?

Customer: “Hmm… I believe it was both.”

Me: “I’m gonna go grab my manager… Just a moment!”

Manager: “Hi there, could you please describe for me what you usually get?”

Customer: “I don’t know! My daughter gets it for me every day!”

Manager: “Let’s break it down further… was it a solid or a liquid?”

Customer: “Both…”

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New And Improved High-Def Hunger

, , , | Right | June 1, 2009

(A customer whose account had been overdrawn for some time calls our bank.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry, but your card was turned off because your account is currently overdrawn $2,000.”

Caller: “But I don’t think that you understand. When I get paid, I need to buy food for my children.”

(We are able to reverse some overdraft fees if the situation warrants it. I review the woman’s account to see where her money is going.)

Me: “Ma’am, you said you buy food for your children after each paycheck?”

Caller: “Yes! I need money to buy my children something to eat!”

Me: “So your children eat big-screen TVs and acrylic nails?”

Caller: “You can see where I’m spending money?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We keep records of where you spend your money.”

Caller: *click*

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There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

, , , | Legal Right | May 30, 2009

Me: “[Law Office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

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Driving While Supplemented

, , , | Legal | May 29, 2009

(While interviewing a man I have just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

Man: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

Man: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

Man: “Yes, those ones.”

Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

Man: “Yes, they are.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”

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