Some Questions Should Never Be Answered

, , , | Right | July 18, 2008

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, before your photos were printed the technician noticed that they have a–” *ahem* “–content which we cannot print.”

Customer: “This is because I was nude, isn’t it?”

Me: “Well, that wasn’t the deciding factor in itself.”

Customer: “Are you saying that there is something wrong with the human body? That it is obscene?”

Me: “No, I cannot comment on that. But the use of certain… toys… in your photography did cross our line.”

Customer: “Well? What are you going to do for me?”

Me: “While I am forbidden to make and sell you the photos, the negatives are still yours. You can have them once you pay the processing fee.”

Customer: “Hmmmpph! Well, you can at least tell me how I looked!”

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But Is It Fully Armed And Operational?

, , , | Right | July 18, 2008

Customer: “Hi there, I was wondering if you could help me?”

Me: “Of course. What are you after?”

Customer: “Well, my son is a huge Star Wars fan and he really wants one of those lightsabers.”

Me: “Not a problem; we have plenty of them. Was there any particular one you were after.”

Customer: “Do you have one of the ones that come out of the handle?”

Me: “We have several pop-out ones. They also make a sound.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

(They walk off and pick some of the different designs up and walk back to me.)

Customer: “Hi again.”

Me: “Did you find one?”

Customer: “Not the one that he wants.”

Me: “Well, we also have some better ones in the window. Would you like to see?”

Customer: “Yes, please.”

(I get a prop lightsaber out of the window and show it to them.)

Customer: “Hmm, it doesn’t seem to be the right one.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s all we really do.”

Customer: “So you don’t do the one that cuts things?”

Me: “Erm, the ones that cut things?”

Customer: “You know, the ones from the movies.”

Me: *giving up* “Erm… you could try [Toy Store], they should do them.”

Customer: “Brilliant, thanks very much.”

(If that wasn’t bad enough, it happened about three times in the past year.)

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Occasionally, Minute Men Do Come In Handy

, , | Romantic | July 17, 2008

(Please note that I work in a beautiful 4-star hotel.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Husband: “We would like to have a room for tonight.”

Me: “Okay, I have a room with a queen size bed. Is that okay for you?”

Wife: “How much is it?”

Me: “$127.”

Husband: “Well, can you offer me a better price?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t.

Husband: “Okay, that’s fine.”

Me: “Here is your key; your room is on the 5th floor and is a VIP room. Have a nice stay!”

(22 minutes later…)

Wife: “We would like to have our money back.”

Me: May I ask you why?

Wife: “Uh, we don’t like the decoration.”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but I can’t give you your money back… you stayed in the room for 25 minutes.”

Wife: “… and?!”

Me: “Why didn’t you come back after 5 minutes?”

Wife: “… because!”

(We all know what they did during 25 minutes!)

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Passing The Buck

, , , | Right | July 17, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling.. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem with you guys! You are trying to screw me!”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I am trying to buy a house. Your company is showing an unpaid bill for $5000, and my bank has denied my loan because of this.”

Me: “Well, according to our records you purchased an air conditioner two years ago for $3500. You made two payments of $150 and never made another payment.”

Customer: “Yes, so?”

Me: “Well, you never paid for the item so we reported it as such.”

Customer: “But I sold that house a year and a half ago!”

Me: “But you never paid for the air conditioner.”

Customer: “I KNOW THAT! WHY WOULD I PAY FOR SOMETHING I DON’T OWN?! CALL THE NEW OWNERS AND GET YOUR MONEY, AND GET THIS OFF MY CREDIT REPORT!”

Me: “I am sorry, but we agreed to extend credit to you, not the new owners of the house. You signed the agreement, not them.”

Customer: “Where am I supposed to get $5000?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but all I can think of is when you got the money for selling the home with the air conditioner, you should have paid the account balance off.”

Customer: “I TOLD YOU, I AM NOT GOING TO PAY FOR SOMETHING I DON’T HAVE!”

Me: “Okay, then I guess this call is over and I hope you get your bank to loan you the money.”

Customer: “So you fixed it?”

Me: “I sure did. Have a great day.”

(All I did was update her account with her new address and phone number. The legal dept had noted on the account that they had been unable to locate her after she sold the home… they’ll definitely find her now.)

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Occasionally, Minute Men Do Come In Handy

, , | Right | July 17, 2008

(Please note that I work in a beautiful four-star hotel.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Husband: “We would like to have a room for tonight.”

Me: “Okay, I have a room with a queen size bed. Is that okay for you?”

Wife: “How much is it?”

Me: “$127.”

Husband: “Well, can you offer me a better price?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t.

Husband: “Okay, that’s fine.”

Me: “Here is your key; your room is on the 5th floor and is a VIP room. Have a nice stay!”

(22 minutes later…)

Wife: “We would like to have our money back.”

Me: May I ask you why?

Wife: “Uh, we don’t like the decoration.”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but I can’t give you your money back… You stayed in the room for twenty-five minutes.”

Wife: “…and?!”

Me: “Why didn’t you come back after five minutes?”

Wife: “…because!”

(We all know what they did for 25 minutes!)

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