Honey, He Ain’t A Scrapbooking Project

, , , | Healthy Right | July 16, 2008

(I witnessed this on the hospital floor where I work. A patient’s daughter comes out of a hospital room and stands in the hallway, staring around looking lost.)

Nurse’s aide: “Can I help you?”

Daughter: “Yeah… can I have a stapler?”

(The nurse’s aide walks about two steps away to get a stapler and then thinks better of this request.)

Nurse’s aide: “Why do you want a stapler?”

Daughter: “My dad’s IV tubing is getting in his way. I thought it would be better if we stapled it to his arm.”

Nurse’s aide: “Um, I think tape would work better for that.”

Daughter: “You guys have tape here?”

Nurse’s aide: “Yeah, I have some here in my pocket.”

(The aide walks into the room to secure the IV tubing before any more of his genius children try to help.)

Daughter: *muttering* “I still think a stapler is a better idea…”

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We Can Thank Hollywood And “Hacker” Films For This

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2008

Me: “Can I help you?”

Caller: “My car won’t start.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “My car won’t start. It ran fine earlier but since I’ve visited your site it won’t turn over.”

Me: “Uh… is your computer attached to your car? Draining the battery?”

Caller: “No, the computer is in the house.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t see how visiting a web site, let alone ours, could affect the operation of your car.”

Caller: “I thought this was tech support?”

Me: “That’s correct. We are not car mechanics, however.”

Caller: “Look, I hear about web sites hacking into people’s lives all the time. I see no reason why they couldn’t hack cars or anything else they wanted.”

Me: “Are you kidding?”

Caller: “No! My car worked fine earlier! I went to your site and now it won’t start. Why are you hacking me?!”

Me: “We aren’t. You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”

Caller: “F*** YOU! GET OUT OF MY CAR, YOU–”

Me: *click*

 

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I Just Called To Say I Hate You

, , , | Right | July 14, 2008

(This conversation happens a week after Hurricane Katrina. The store is understaffed, we have more customers than we can handle, and prescriptions are taking four-to-six days to get filled. I also have a long line at the front of the store and am the only cashier up front.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “I just want to let you know how angry I am right now.”

Me: “Well, what is the problem, ma’am? ”

Customer: “I brought a prescription in four days ago and it still isn’t ready.”

Me: “Okay, well, hold on while I transfer your call to our pharmacy.”

Customer: “No! I already spoke with them and they said there was nothing they could do right now.”

Me: “All right, ma’am. I can transfer you to one of my managers.”

Customer: “I don’t want to talk to them. I just want to let y’all know how angry I am right now.”

Me: “Look, I understand. Would you like me to transfer you to a manager or the pharmacy?”

Customer: “I already told you no! I just want to let you know how mad I am right now and that I will not be shopping in your store again.”

Me: “Look, lady, they pay me $6.00 an hour. I honestly don’t care, but I will be more than happy to transfer you to someone who might! I am the only cashier and have a very long line. I don’t have time for this!”

Customer: “I just called to tell you–”

Me: *click*

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Jesus, The Only MasterCard You’ll Ever Need

, , | Right | July 12, 2008

Me: “Thanks for calling Credit Card Services, how may I help you today?”

Cardmember: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”

Me: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”

Cardmember: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”

Me: “Well, the payment was¬†due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”

Cardmember: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”

Me: “Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”

Cardmember: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

Me: “How is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”

Cardmember: “Jesus would waive my fee!”

Me: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”

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Who’s Got The Power Now

, , , | Right | July 11, 2008

Me: “How can I help you?”

Irate Caller: “Yes, I just purchased one of your wireless routers and your stupid tech support in India just told me I have to plug it into an outlet.”

Me: “Uh… yes, ma’am. It needs to be plugged into an outlet to get electrical power.”

Irate Caller: “I purchased a WIRELESS router, so it shouldn’t require wires! Doesn’t it use batteries or something?”

Me: “No, ma’am, ‘wireless’ means you don’t need wires between the computer and the router.”

Irate Caller: “Wireless means WIRE-LESS! If this thing has to be plugged in with a wire, I want a full refund!”

Me: “If the product isn’t what you expected, I suggest you return the device to your local retailer.”

Irate Caller: “NO! That’s not good enough! They won’t take it back because it’s been opened! I want you to give me a refund!”

Me: “Ma’am, we don’t provide refunds unless a product’s functionality is grossly mis-advertised. You need to speak to–”

Irate Caller: “NO! You’ll give me a refund right now, you f***ing son of a b****, and you’ll do it right f***ing now!”

Me: “Ma’am, throwing a temper tantrum like a five-year-old is not going to get you something that we’re incapable of giving you.”

Irate Caller: “You can’t speak to me like that! Transfer me to your manager at once!”

Me: “No.”

Irate Caller: “What?”

(Contrary to popular belief, most companies don’t REQUIRE techs to transfer to supervisors simply because they’re told to by a customer).

Me: “I said no. I will not transfer you to my supervisor. This is a non-escalatable issue.”

Irate Caller: “But you have to!”

Me: “No, I really don’t, and since you already blasted me with profanity, technically I could have disconnected the call already.”

Irate Caller: “Well, I’m sorry… Can I have my refund now?”

Me: “I told you, I can’t give you a refund for this product. You need to contact your retailer.”

Irate Caller: “F*** you! You f***ing ****ards are ripping me the f*** off! F*** you!”

Me: “Thank you for contacting tech support and have a nice day!”

Irate Caller: “Wait! I’m sorry!”

Me: *click*

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