Third Time’s (Not) A Charm

, | Right | June 9, 2009

(Our customers log calls in a queue, and we call them back in order of priority. This customer has a very low priority call, but is trying to jump the queue.)

Customer: “We can’t work here. Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this really is a cosmetic issue. It shouldn’t get in the way of your work.”

Customer: “Even if we manage to send chocolate to the office? I’m sure that’ll help.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but of all the agents here, you’ve picked the one that’s alergic to chocolate.”

Customer: “D***. Well, how about a bottle of wine? Is that worth a few spots in the queue?”

Me: “I don’t drink. I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s not your lucky day.”

Customer: “Okay, you’ve driven me to it. I’m batting my eyelashes here! You really should see it. How about lunch next week?”

Me: “That’s three strikes, ma’am… I think my husband would complain if I started dating girls. Sorry, I’m gay.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “You’re not making any of this up, are you?”

Me: “We’ll have someone give you a call back when your call is next in the queue, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

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Fudge In Flight

, , , | Right | June 9, 2009

Customer: “This isn’t a hot fudge sundae.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t. I’m afraid we don’t make it with hot fudge here.”

Customer: “Then I’m not paying for it!”

Coworker: “I’m afraid you have to. The menu states that it’s not made with hot fudge.”

Customer: “FINE!” *throws the ice cream at my coworker*

Coworker: *covered with ice cream* “I’m suddenly glad we don’t have hot fudge.”

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Every Valet’s Dream Come True

, , , , | Right | June 8, 2009

(A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right upfront. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

Me: “Well, if you insist…”

(I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”

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Outlaws In Utero

, , , | Right | June 5, 2009

Caller: “I want to complain. I was driving in the carpool lane and I got a ticket, but I’m pregnant with twins, so they count as two passengers!”

Me: “Um… I don’t think the policeman would have any way of knowing that…”

Caller: “But I showed him a picture from my ultrasound!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m pretty sure passengers have to be outside of your body.”

Caller: “Oh!”

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Neither A Fortune Teller Nor A Lender Be

, , , | Right | June 5, 2009

(A cardholder called and asked for his balance, payment, and other credit card information.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “One more thing. Who’s going to bill me next month?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “Who’s going to charge my account next month?”

Me: “I’m sorry… we don’t have the ability to see the future…”

Caller: “Why not? You’re my credit card company. You should know where I’m going to spend my money.”

Me: “Um… well, once you figure out where you’re going to go, call us afterwards. We can tell you where you’ve been.”

Caller: “See? I told you, you guys know everything!” *click*

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