Driving Dad To The Edge

, , , , | Right | June 4, 2009

Customer: *on the phone* “I need you to turn my TV back on.”

Me: “Okay, let me see why it isn’t on.” *checking* “It looks like you are two months behind in your payments to us. I need to collect payment for two months’ service, as well as $10 in late fees. Which card would you like to put that on?”

Customer: “I don’t have the money right now, but I need you to turn on the TV right away! I need the TV for my kids! I’ve been playing with them and reading stories with them, and this has just got to stop! Turn the TV back on right now!”

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A Double-Edged Flat Screen

, , , | Right | June 4, 2009

Customer: “You have to help me; I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Calm down, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

Customer: “No. It works perfectly. That’s the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar; all his friends come over to watch TV until three am and I can’t get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother’s crystal vase, and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

Me: “Well, you know, ma’am, you could always turn the tables.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

(The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

Me: “Just over there.”

Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

(I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)

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Fattening Fallacies

, , , | Right | June 3, 2009

Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Could I get that donut right there?” *points*

Me: “Sure thing.”

(I put it on a plate and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Can you heat it up for me, please?”

Me: “No problem. I’ll just be a minute.”

Customer: “Put it in for exactly seven seconds. If you microwave food for seven seconds, it becomes negative calories. Did you know that?”

Me: “Um… I don’t think that’s how food works.”

Customer: “Well, how would you know? You’re just a part-time employee at a coffee shop.”

Me: “I work part-time to pay for University… where I study health and nutrition…”

Customer: “What are they teaching kids these days?!” *walks away angrily without the donut*

Me: “Have a nice day?”

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One Foot In The Grave, One Hand On The Printing Press

, , | Right | June 3, 2009

Me: *on the phone* “[Newspaper]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, is this the obituaries?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, it is.”

Caller: “I need to place one.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. You can send that to me via fax or email.”

Caller: “What do they typically say?”

Me: “They vary, but some good information is where the individual was born, when they passed away–”

Caller: “Oh, he’s not dead yet.”

Me: “I– I’m sorry?”

Caller: “He’s very sick, though. Should be any day.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t run an obituary until the individual has died.”

Caller: *sighs heavily* “Well, that’s VERY inconvenient.” *hangs up*

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Cryogenic Chirpers

, , , | Right | June 2, 2009

(A customer is trying to find something else for her lizard to eat so she doesn’t need to buy live crickets so often.)

Me: “Well, we do have this can of freeze-dried crickets. I don’t know how well your gecko will take to them, but it may be worth a shot?”

Customer: “Okay… So, how do I bring them back to life? Add water?”

Me: “No… they’re dead.”

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