Why Everything Seems To Take Forever

, , | | Right | July 23, 2008

Library patron: “I need to get on a computer.”

Me: “I’m sorry… as the sign on the sign-up computer says, the entire computer system is down.”

Library patron:“Oh, I just need to check my email.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s everything.”

Library patron: “Well, could you look up a book for me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I guess I’m not clear. The ENTIRE system is down. We can’t do anything that involves the internet and that includes printing things out. We even use VOIP phones so we can’t call out.”

Library patron: “Oh. Well, just look up what I have checked out right now, and tell me when it’s due.”

Me: “I can’t do that, either.”

Library patron: “Can you check my email for me?”

Me: “No, ma’am. We use the same system.”

Library patron: “But, I saw you typing!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’m working on a report on the word processor. This is something that doesn’t use the Internet.”

Library patron: “Well, when will the computers be fixed?”

Me: “We don’t know.”

Library patron: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s broken. If we knew what was wrong, we’d be fixing it.”

Library patron: “Does this happen often?”

Me: “Nope.”

Library patron: “So you are saying it’s just a coincidence that the first time I need to use the computer, the system is down?”

Me: “Well, yes.”

Library patron: “Do you actually do anything useful here?”

Me: “Well, normally I’d be troubleshooting the problem with the system, but for the past ten minutes, I’ve been having to answer your questions about it.”

Library patron: *stomps off*

1 Thumbs
4,819
VOTES

The Infomercials Must Love You

, , , , | | Right | July 22, 2008

(A customer comes up to the register with her sandwich purchase, which had sun-dried tomatoes on it.)

Customer: “Do you make the sun-dried tomatoes here?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yes, we have several lawn chairs in back. We cut the tomatoes into little strips and leave them out there for a week or two. ”

Customer: “Really?!”

Me: “No, I was just kidding. We get them from a distributor. ”

Customer: “Well, that’s not nice of you at all! When I was growing up I was always taught to believe things I was told by salespeople!”

1 Thumbs
2,111
VOTES

Natural Selection In Action, Part 2

, , | | Right | July 21, 2008

Zoo visitor: “Aren’t lions vegetarians?”

Me: “No, lions are carnivores.”

Zoo visitor: “I’m sure I read somewhere that they are vegetarians. How are they carnivores?”

Me: “Sir, lions are well-known carnivores. They hunt for their food. Their diet consists of mostly meat. They would not survive on fruits and vegetables alone.”

Zoo visitor: “Are you sure about that?”

Me: *sarcastically* “Well, if you really want to you, can jump into the lion exhibit to see if they’ll eat you.”

Zoo visitor: “Vegetarians wouldn’t eat a human, would they?”

Me: “My point exactly.”

 

1 Thumbs
2,598
VOTES

A Bunch-O-Words It Be, Indeed

, , | | Right | July 20, 2008

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company] support. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I just bought sump’n down to the [Department Store].”

Me: “And how can I help you with that?”

Caller: “Yup!”

(There is a long pause.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hey!”

Me: “What is it I can help you with today?”

Caller: “Got me one a them orga, orgaz, origaniz, oregonize…”

Me: “Organizer?”

Caller: “Yup!”

Me: “And what can I do for you in regards to the organizer?”

Caller: “Well, it don’t do nuthin’!”

Me: “Sounds like you may need technical assistance on the device, and unfortunately you’ve reached the sales line. I would be happy to give you the accurate number.”

Caller: “It free?”

Me: “I’m sorry, no, the support line is not toll-free.”

Caller: “That’ll cost more ‘n my origun, orgizen, org…”

Me: “Organizer?”

Caller: “Yup!”

Me: “You may want to first consult the manual for information.”

Caller: “That ol’ book don’t say nuthin’ but a bunch-o-words!”

1 Thumbs
2,391
VOTES

Customer Variant #3: The Penny Picker

, , , | | Right | July 19, 2008

(Everyone has had this customer. They must clone them somewhere.)

Me: “That will be $2.88.”

(The customer puts a dollar on the counter and out of her purse pulls a snap-top coin pouch and I know I am screwed. She starts rooting in it, pulling out one coin at a time.)

Customer: “5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

(I void out her sale and wait on the next customer. I ring him up and give him his change.)

Customer: “Why did you wait on him? I was first.”

Me: “Well, he had the mystical ability to hand me three dollar bills for his key and you are still trying to come up with $2.88, a coin at a time.”

Customer: “Now you made me lose count! 5, 10, 20, 25, 26, 27…”

(I wait on several more customers.)

Customer: “Young man…” *I am 59, by the way* “…can you tell me if this is a penny or a dime?”

Me: “It is a dime.”

Customer: “Oh, I want to get rid of my pennies…” *puts dime back in pouch, starts rooting in it again* “…76, 77, 78…”

(I continue to wait on more customers until after what seems to be an eon…)

Customer: “Oh, I only have $2.86. I will have to give you another dollar.” *starts emptying purse on counter*

Me: “No, no, that will be just fine. $2.86, no problem.”

Customer: “But I am two cents short!”

Me: “Trust me; not a problem.”

1 Thumbs
3,076
VOTES
Page 154/180First...152153154155156...Last