Please, Please Listen To Yourself Talk

, , , , | | Right | July 27, 2008

(At our library, the computers are all self-sign up. All you have to do is type in your name and library card number. This is clearly posted on the side of the monitor. In walks a young woman and her boyfriend.)

Young Woman: “Can you help me with this?”

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Young Woman: “I don’t know what to do.”

Me: “The instructions are on the side of the monitor.”

Young Woman: “But why can’t you tell me how to do it?”

Me: “Because it’s SELF-SIGN UP.”

Young Woman: “But I need help!”

Me: “All you have to do is type in your name and library card number.”

Young Woman: “But do I have to read the screen?”

Me: *confused* “Of… course. The screen tells you when to type in your information. You have to read the screen.”

Young Woman: “BUT I DIDN’T COME INTO THE LIBRARY TO READ!”

Young Woman’s Boyfriend: *turns abruptly and walks out the door*

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Definitely Not Right

, , , , , | | Right | July 26, 2008

(Keep in mind I’m gay, although it’s not too obvious.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Ice Cream Shop]. What can I help you out with today?”

Customer: “Hey there, I was wondering if I could have a raspberry sorbet in a sugar cone?”

Me: “Cool. That’s going to be $1.39.”

Customer: *seductive voice* “I was hoping you could lower the price for me. I’m a little low, if you know what I mean…”

(The customer unbuttons the top two buttons on her blouse and bites her lip at me.)

Me: “Ehhh. Sorry, ma’am. I can’t fall for that.”

Customer: “What’s the matter? A little shy?” *bounces her boobs in my face*

Me: “Because that’s not ethical, and I don’t like boobs.”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “I’m gay!”

Customer: “Oh, my god! You’re sick! And you looked down my shirt, you pervert!”

Me: “You undid your shirt to get free ice cream!”

Customer: “Oh, my god, sickos like you are just… just SICK! All men are filthy dogs. All you think about are naked girls and sex! I’m calling your manager to tell him what gross, perverted employees he has!” *leaves*

Me: *to Coworker* “That… that wasn’t right, was it?”

Coworker: “You should put that on NotAlwaysRight.”

Me: “I think I will.”

(She never did call our manager.)

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Please, No More

, , | | Right | July 24, 2008

Zoo Visitor: *points to cage* “Ain’t that one of them brown ree-cluse spiders?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s a local spider called a fishing spider. Brown recluses are much much smaller and–”

Zoo Visitor: “Yeah it is. That there’s a brown ree-cluse spider. I had one in my basement; exterminator told me it was a brown ree-cluse.”

Me: “Brown recluses really don’t get this far east. Plus they’re much much smaller.”

Zoo Visitor: “HONEY! Come over here a sec. Ain’t this one of them ree-cluse spiders?”

Zoo Visitor’s Wife: “Yep! Just like that one from the basement.”

Zoo Visitor: “Honey, tell ’em what we did with that spider that night when we was makin’ love!”

(I did not stay to hear the rest. I was too terrified.)

 

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Now Playing: Busted

, , , , | | Right | July 24, 2008

Me: “Welcome to [movie theater]. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Two for [rated R movie].”

Me: “Can I see your ID, please?”

Customer: “I don’t have any.”

Me: “Sorry, I can’t sell you any tickets.”

Customer: “But I’m 17! I’m allowed to see it!”

Me: “Not without an ID you aren’t! And even if you had an ID, I could only sell you one. You have to be 21 to buy more than one.”

Customer: “I can’t believe this! Look, I drove here today!”

(At this point he flashes daddy’s Mercedes keys in my face to “prove” he drove here.)

Me: “So, let me get this straight. You drove your Mercedes here without any form of ID, including a driver’s license?”

Customer: “YEAH! WHAT OF IT?!”

Me: “I’m sure the Raleigh Police Officer standing right behind you would love to have a word with you.”

 

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When Not In Rome…

, , , | | Right | July 23, 2008

(A customer comes in looking for a specific FM transmitter. I point him in the right direction and he comes back five minutes later with the device in hand.)

Me: “Found it all right?”

Customer: “Yup. I came, I saw, I conquered.”

Me: “Veni, vidi, vici?”

Customer: “What the h*** did you just call me?!”

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