Welcome To ArkMart, My Name Is Noah

, , , | | Right | August 2, 2008

(I work in the gift shop. Our zoo has an alligator exhibit consisting of 15 three- to four-foot long juvenile alligators.)

Customer: “I was wondering if you guys sell alligators here.”

Me: “Yeah, we have stuffed ones over here, and we have some PVC ones over here.”

Customer: “No, like, I wanted to buy one of the alligators.”

Me: “Like… out of the exhibit?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Oh… Well, no.”

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Canada, America’s Baseball Cap

, , , | | Right | August 2, 2008

(A young couple with an almost stereotypical ‘southern accent’ enters the shop, browses around, and pick up some things, then go to the cash desk.)

Me: “Is that everything for you today?”

Woman: “We’re on our honeymoon…”

Me: “Okay… will you be paying with cash, debit, or credit?”

(The man throws some money on the counter, saying nothing.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t take American money.”

Man: “WHY THE F*** NOT? AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!”

Me: “Well, that might be the case, but this isn’t America.”

Woman: “What?”

Me: “This isn’t America. It’s Canada.”

Woman: “But that’s part of America, right?”

Me: “No.”

Man: “Oh, I get it. It must be Canada Day. That’s when they pretend to be independent.”

Me: “Sir, we ARE independent. It’s a separate country. Different money, different government, different accents.”

Man: *winks to his wife* “Right…”

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Bison Wings Has An Interesting Ring To It

, , , | | Right | August 1, 2008

Client: “I need a flight.”

Me: “Sure, ma’am. Where to?”

Client: “Bison.”

Me: “Um… okay, ma’am. And that is?”

Client: “In the US.”

Me: “Sure… and what state?”

Client: “I am not sure, but I need one leaving Friday.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t find any flights to Bison.”

Client: “It’s a BIG place. ”

Me: “Do you mean Buffalo, New York?”

Client: “We don’t call them BUFFALO anymore.”

Me: “Ma’am, they didn’t change the name of the city.”

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Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear

, , , | | Right | August 1, 2008

Me: “Hello, and welcome to [Hotel]. How was the drive up here?”

Wife: “Oh, it was stunning! I have never seen such beautiful trees, and the water, such a pretty color in the lake!”

Husband: “It was a very nice drive indeed.”

Me: “Well, that’s great! We pride ourselves on our natural beauty here in Canada. Can I get your names for your reservation?”

Wife: “Yes, indeed. Here you go.”

(She hands me her confirmation sheet.)

Wife: “Can you tell me, though, how do you get the water in Lake Louise that turquoise color?”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

Wife: “Well, the water is so clear, but it’s green; it looks like the ocean. Do you paint the bottom that color?”

Me: “Oh, no, the water has a green color because of the copper minerals in the water. When they oxidize, that’s why it looks like the ocean.”

Wife: “Oh, that’s crazy! Everybody knows copper is brown like a penny, not green. It’s painted, isn’t it?!”

(I try to explain for quite some time that we don’t dye the water, and that copper is the reason it looks blue-green.)

Wife: “There is no way that its natural! ”

Me: *getting annoyed* “Yes, we drain the lake and paint the bottom of the lake at night.”

Wife: “See? Was it so hard to tell the truth?” *walks away*

My Manager: “You know, I should fire you for that… but I think I would have done the same thing.”

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I Know You Are But What Am I

, , , , | | Right | August 1, 2008

Debtor: “It’s not my fault the payment didn’t go through; your system stuffed up.”

Me: “No, it didn’t; the message from the bank we have here clearly states ‘Invalid Transaction.'”

Debtor: “No, it doesn’t.”

Me: ” Actually, it does. I see here your credit card has expired.”

Debtor: “No, it hasn’t.”

Me: “I mean, the one we have on file. I can update this right now.”

Debtor: “It’s not my fault. You refused the payment.”

Me: “The bank, your financial institution, reversed the payment.”

Debtor: “No, they didn’t.”

Me: “Yes, they did. Why would we refuse a payment? Your bank reversed it. We need to update those details.”

Debtor: “No, you don’t.”

Me: “Please stop simply contradicting me.”

Debtor: “I’m not contradicting you.”

Me: “Yes, you are.”

Debtor: “No, I’m not!”

Me: *eye-twitch*

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