… And We Wonder Why Everyone Hates Us, Part Two

, , | | Right | August 7, 2008

Customer: “I’m looking for something that ain’t made in China. This one says made in EU… what’s that mean?”

Me: “It means it’s made in the European Union.”

Customer: “Billy! Billy come quick! This lady says Europe’s a union now!”

Me: “No, ma’am, it means…”

Billy: “Europe united? ”

Me: “Sir, the European Union is…”

Billy: “‘Bout g*d**n time. It was them d*** countries that started the war!”

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Of All The Lies To Tell

, , , , | | Right | August 6, 2008

Snooty Customer: “I want a milkshake, but I want it made THICK. Last time I had a shake here, it was like drinking ice cream flavored water!”

Me: “I can assure you that I can make you a very thick milkshake, ma’am. What flavor would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “A milkshake! I want a milkshake!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What FLAVOR of milkshake would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “I told you I wanted an extra chocolaty chocolate one!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One extra chocolaty chocolate milkshake, thick.”

(I fill the milkshake cup with chocolate ice cream and use hot fudge sauce instead of chocolate syrup. I add maybe a tablespoon of milk. I get it mixed up and ring her up, and she leaves. A few minutes later she returns, cuts in front of about 10 people waiting in line and slams her milkshake on the counter.)

Snooty Customer: “I want to talk to a manager! I want to know why no one here can do their d*** job!”

Manager: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Snooty Customer: “I told that girl there I wanted a normal chocolate milkshake, and this is so thick I can’t get it through the straw! I just gave myself a headache trying to drink this thing! I demand double my money back, a free milkshake, and some ibuprofen!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I was standing right behind her when you placed your order. She made you what you asked for. An extra chocolaty shake that was thick. I am not returning your money or giving you a new milkshake.”

Snooty Customer: “But, my husband is Dr. [Name] and I always get what I want!”

(Suddenly, another customer who has been standing in line and watching the whole thing speaks up.)

Another Customer: “Excuse me, b****, but Dr. [Name] is my BROTHER and you sure as h*** aren’t his wife, you d*** liar!”

Snooty Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(My manager gave the other customer her entire order on the house. She deserved it, whether it was true or not.)

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Telepathy Is Fun

, , , | | Right | August 5, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. My name is [My Name]. What can I help you with today?

Customer: “I’ll tell you how you can help, fix my d*** computer!”

Me: “So, what is the problem with the computer today?”

Customer: “It’s broken. Fix it.”

Me: “Okay, but how is it broken?”

Customer: “I don’t know; just fix it.”

Me: “Is it not turning on, or is it not booting up?”

Customer: “I don’t know about computers. Just fix the problem already!”

(This proceeds for almost 15 minutes back and forth. Finally, I decide to have some fun. I ask the customer to hold on for a second. I start shuffling some papers and opening and closing my desk drawer quite loudly.)

Customer: “What was all that noise?”

Me: “I think I found something we can use to fix this issue.”

Customer: “Good, so get started on it.”

Me: “Okay… Now, I’m holding in front of me a crystal ball… I’m picturing the issue with the computer… The computer is broken, and I’ve found a solution…”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager. That is very rude!”

Me: “Sure thing, but wait… I see something else… I see this call ending, now!” *click*

(Thank goodness it was one am and nobody listened in on that call, or I’d have been fired.)

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Kids, This Is What We Call “Scapegoating”

, , , | | Right | August 5, 2008

Kid: “Mommy, I want this candy!”

Mom: “No, you can’t have the candy. Put it back.”

Kid: “I WANT THIS CANDY!”

Mom: “You can’t have it!”

Kid: “I WANT THIS CANDY!”

(At this point, the mom takes the candy from the kid and hands it to me.)

Mom: *points at me* “The bad man took the candy! You can’t have it because the bad man took it!”

Kid: *in tears* “Why did you take the candy?!”

Me: *speechless*

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Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

, , , | | Right | August 4, 2008

(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt, and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

Me: *walks out of the cooler*

Customer: “Are you f****** insane? It’s freezing in there.

Me: “I don’t mind it.”

Customer: “That’s bull-s***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

Customer:Warm!? In a cooler?! You’re a god-d*** liar! How can you be warm in there?!”

Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

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