At Least Meet Us Half-And-Half Way

, , | Right | June 26, 2012

(I’ve been called to our store’s cafe to deal with a customer demanding a free drink.)

Me: “Hi, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I got the wrong drink yesterday, so I told the barista that they need to give me a free drink to make up for it.”

Me: “I’m sorry… you got the wrong drink yesterday?”

Customer: “Yes! I come here every day to study and get the same drink! Yesterday, they gave me some disgusting sludge. I had to drink the whole thing! What are you going to do to make it right?!”

Me: “You drank the whole thing, even though you thought it was disgusting and you were still in the store?”

Customer: “That’s not the point! They gave me the wrong drink. You need to make it up to me.”

Me: “Why didn’t you tell the barista that you were given the wrong drink yesterday? We would have happily gotten you the correct drink.”

Customer: “I didn’t realize I had the wrong drink until I sat down. What was I supposed to do, get up and walk all the way over to the counter?!”

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Taking Charge Of The Matter

, , , | Related | March 29, 2012

(My twin brother and I are about 15 at the time. I have just placed some AA batteries into a charger and gone to bed. My brother and I are both woken up in the middle of the night by a loud fizzle and pop.)

Brother: “What was that?”

Me: “Just the radiator…go back to sleep.”

Brother: “I don’t think that was the radiator.”

(He turns on the light and sees that the batteries in the charger are fizzling, and a thick fluid is pouring out of them and on to the floor.)

Brother: “Oh my God, its the batteries! Wait, did you put single-use batteries into a charger?”

Me: “Umm…”

Brother: “You idiot.”

Me: “I’ll clean it up.”

(I get up and go to pick up the batteries before any more fluid leaks on to the floor.)

Brother: “Wait, you can’t just pick them up! That stuff is toxic!”

Me: “Well, what should I use?!”

Brother: “I’ll go get some rubber gloves. And some aluminium foil.”

Me: “Foil?”

Brother: “Yeah, I read somewhere that you have to dispose of the batteries in foil before throwing them away.”

Me: “Are you sure?”

Brother: “Just do it!”

(My brother and I both try to dispose of the leaking un-chargeable batteries from the battery charger. Our mother then walks into the room to find out what all the noise is about in the middle of the night. She walks in to find us both in our underwear, wearing rubber gloves, with aluminium foil in our hands. There is a long silence where we all just stare at each other.)

Mum: “Are you two on drugs?”

Us: “No, mum.”

Mum: “Am I on drugs?”

Us: “No, mum.”

Mum: “Good, then I don’t want to know. I’m going back to bed.”

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How To Show-Up A Show-Off

, , , | Right | February 24, 2012

(Note: I’m a male customer at a coffee shop. I’m standing in line behind an obnoxious man and a beautiful blonde woman he’s unsuccessfully trying to chat up. The server is a young woman who appears to be new at her job.)

Man: “Excuse me! I ordered a non-fat, non-sugar, orange mocha chip frappuccino! This isn’t non-fat, and there’s no whip cream on it.”

Barista: “I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll remake it immediately.”

Man: *to blonde woman* “What is up with these guys!? They screw everything up.”

Barista: “Here’s your drink, sir. I hope this one is up to standard.”

Man: “What are you, f****** r*****ed?! This is a plain mocha frappuccino! I wanted an orange chip mocha frappuccino! Get it f****** right!”

(The barista remakes his drink again, but is clearly on the verge of tears.)

Man: “Oh, my God, you people need to learn to speak English! I said non-fat. Don’t tell me it is non-fat, because I can taste—”

(At this point, the blonde woman decides she’s had enough of the man and interrupts him.)

Blonde Woman: *in a strong Irish accent* “WILL YOU STOP BEING A JERK FOR FIVE F***ING MINUTES?! The girl has made the d*** coffee perfectly this time — I watched her! And, even if she hasn’t, she’s young and clearly new at her job. It’s a f***ing coffee! Cut her some slack!”

Man: “Excuse me, but I want what I asked for! I don’t see why that’s so hard!”

Blonde Woman: “She probably looked at you, assumed you were a man, and was therefore completely confused by your non-fat, non-sugar, orange mocha chip frappuccino order. Real men drink real coffee, and they don’t bully teenage girls until they cry. Now, can you please stop being an almighty dickhead, and just f*** off?!”

(Everyone in the coffee shop clapped, and the man left, embarrassed. I paid for the blonde woman’s coffee, and found out she is from the same part of Ireland as me. One thing led to another, and I asked her to marry me this Christmas. She said yes!)

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Trick And/Or Treat

, , , , , , | Right | November 17, 2011

(It’s getting close to Halloween. I’m doing my daily duties when I hear a woman talking to her son.)

Son: “Mom, can we get these candies for Halloween?”

Woman: “No! For the last time, we are not getting candy!”

Son: “Why not?!”

Woman: “I’m a teacher. Our house will get TP’d whether we have candy or not!”

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The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 4

, , , , , | Right | May 31, 2011

(The customer is a middle-aged male, wearing a tweed jacket and thick glasses. He’s buying all of the ‘Twilight’ books.)

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for?”

Customer: “Yes, unfortunately. I’m really not looking forward to reading these.”

Me: “Oh, why not?”

Customer: “Well, I’m an English professor. Every time I reference low forms of literature, I always use Twilight as the example. Today a student asked if I’ve actually read them, and I had to say no. They demanded that I do.”

(He hung his head in shame.)

 

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