About twenty years ago, I worked for a company with two locations several states away. We hired a new graphic designer at my location, and they needed a decently fast machine to start work. I was a developer and very knowledgeable about computers, so I asked if I could go to the local computer shop and get the designer the appropriate machine because the software he needed required a certain configuration. My boss said people from the corporate office had it taken care of.

A week went by. He had no computer. He sat at his desk and was given trivial office stuff to keep him busy. The company paid him his full rate for that time and insisted that he be there the full day.

Then, without warning, a giant box showed up. The box looks like it had been used as a piñata! I opened it up to find it filled to the brim with packing peanuts and an old banged-up Pentium 3 machine (P4s had come and gone at the time). The side panel of the box had come off, and packing peanuts filled the entire thing — shoved in between the fan blades, sticking through the PCI slots on the back, you name it.

It gets worse — far worse.

They then flew two IT employees from corporate to our office, renting them each their own car and hotel room. Their sole reason for being there was to “upgrade the computer”. But there was a problem. They didn’t have the foresight to order any of the parts needed to upgrade the d*** computer. They ordered the parts online, paid an asinine amount for next-day rush shipping on everything, and waited.

Two days went by, and the parts had not come in because somehow Dumb and Dumber had screwed up the order. They simply left to fly back home and said, “Hey, [My Name], can you take care of upgrading the machine for us when the parts come in?”

The best part is that I told them they were wasting their time because you could not upgrade the machine enough to actually run the software the designer needed. The company ended up spending easily thousands of dollars on a piece of s*** computer that I would feel guilty donating to someone.

The designer said f*** this, went to an office supply store, and bought a $400 machine with his own money just so he could work.

A client approached me to make a logo for their transport and construction company. The whole process was hellish, but this was where I lost patience.

Me: “So, here’s a work-in-progress for you to look at. Let me know if there’s any—”

Client: “Wait, you drew on the trucks?”

Me: “Well, yeah? It is a logo, after all.”

Client: “I don’t like it.”

Me: “Okay, what about it don’t you like?”

Client: “I don’t like that it’s a drawing. How will I look professional if it doesn’t look real?”

Me: “I can put more detail into the logo, but you usually want to keep them pretty minimalistic.”

The client then sent me a series of photos of trucks.

Client: “Use these.”

Me: “Wait, you want me to use a photo of a truck in the logo for your trucks?”

Client: “Yes! My business isn’t for children. This is man’s work. I want a real truck on my trucks, not some cartoon.”

Client: “I want the same thing I got last time.”

Me: “Okay! Please check the attached proof of your previous order to make sure that’s what you want.”

Client: “Every time I order from you, this process gets more and more bulls***.”

I was designing some vinyl decals for a client’s van. He phoned four times in four hours to make sure the decals would be “big enough”. Finally, I sent him some mockups so that he could decide for himself.

Client: “I got your email with the mockups.”

Me: “Great! Which of those work for you?”

Client: “I don’t know! That’s your job. I don’t want to be responsible if I say yes to something and then they’re not big enough.”

I’m a designer. A client wanting to have a flyer designed asked me if I was “a good sketcher.”

That should have been my warning.

Me: “Are you saying you want the design to be in a ‘sketchy’ style? I could definitely put something together that looks pretty cool like that.”

Client: “Oh, I’m wanting you to do the sketch only. I have a graphic designer taking care of everything else.”

Then why are you asking me for anything?