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Way TooOOOOH Much Information

, , , | Right | February 23, 2009

(Someone had left a massager in my department, and a little boy of about four found it and began to experiment with it. He held it up to his dad’s back and pushed the button; when that elicited no reaction, he held it up to his grandmother’s pelvic area and pushed the button.)

Grandma: “OOOOOOOOH! It’s a vibrator! ”

Little Boy: *laughing* “Did it tickle?”

Grandma: “Yes, it tickled! But put it down before you break it and your daddy has to buy it.”

Little Boy: *skips out toward the main mall* “It’s a vibrator, a vibrator! I vibrated Granny!”


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Love On A Budget

, , , , | Right | February 11, 2009

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “I want to get a Nintendo DS for my grandson.”

Me: “Alright, they’re $129. What color would you like?”

Customer: “They’re how much?! I love him, but not that much!”

Family Values, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 21, 2008

Me: “Welcome, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Why haven’t I received my movie?”

Me: “Which one was it?”

(He gives me the name of the movie, and I check on the computer to see if that title is available.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have it on stock yet, but we will have your copy by Wednesday.”

Customer: “But you have it already for rental!” *goes to the shelf and brings me one of the cases*

Me: “Yes, but those are for rental only. We receive a few copies for rental only, and a few days after we get the ones for sale.”

Customer: “Then give me this one.”

Me: “That one is exclusively for rental.”

Customer: “F*** it. I’m leaving!” *storms out of the store with the DVD*

Me: “Hey!”

(I call mall security. A few minutes later, a guard comes laughing to the store.)

Guard: “Is this the stolen DVD?”

Manager: “Yes, thank you.”

Guard: “We found him trying to get in his car and two kids were inside. When we got him the kids started to cry, but not because we were taking his grandpa into custody.”

Me: “Then why?”

Guard: *laughs* “They were crying because they weren’t getting the movie today.”

Grannies: Gotta Love ‘Em

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2008

(A new employee informs me that she spotted a little boy sneaking some candy in his pants. I confront the boy and an older woman about it.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. Hey, kiddo, what’s in your pocket?”

Boy: “Nothing!”

Granny: “Oh, h***, again?! Boy, if you don’t put that d***ed candy back, that lady’s gonna call the police on you! And I ain’t gonna stop her none.”

(The boy, crying, hands me two candy bars and a handful of suckers. I thank the lady, and get back to work. A few minutes later, the boy’s mother comes up to me.)

Mama: “Is that the b****?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Mama: “Ain’t talking to you.”

Boy: “Yes, mama.”

Mama: “Girl, you being rude to my son?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Mama: “So why you take away his candy?”

Me: “Because it wasn’t paid for.”

Mama: “Says who? I got him that candy!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s at least 100 degrees outside, and your boy had unmelted chocolate in his pocket. He didn’t bring that in with him. Besides, he was seen taking the candy off the shelf.”

Mama: “What? Who said that?” *turns to the other cashiers* “Which one of you a**holes told on my boy?”

Me: “Excuse me, but that’s not important.”

Mama: “What’s your point, then?!”

Me: “The point is, your boy was caught stealing.”

Mama: “Forget about the d***ed candy, you nosy b****! Ain’t none of your business!”

Me: “Ma’am, your son was spotted shoplifting, which is a crime. You’re lucky I don’t report him.”

Mama: “You stupid b****! I don’t give a flying f*** about the candy!”

(She raises her hands as if to hit me.)

Me: *to Coworker* “Call the manager; he should be in by now.”

(Just then, Granny appears out of nowhere and smacks her daughter with her handbag.)

Granny: “WHAT THE H*** ARE YOU DOING, GIRL?” *continues to smack and berate her daughter* “Upsetting people like that! No common sense! S***! YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT!”

Mama: “But, Ma–”

Granny: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH GIRL! GET IN THE D***ED CAR!” *turns to me* “I’m so sorry about that. She’s crazy, I swear to God. She’ll never come back in here; I promise.”

Me: “…”

Granny:  *to Mama* “CAN’T TAKE YOUR CRAZY A** NOWHERE! S***!”

(She walked out like nothing happened, and true to her word, I’ve not seen that lady since.)


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