A High-Brow Meal

, , , , | Related | July 26, 2017

My grandparents just bought a new propane barbeque grill, and Grandma decides to try it out before Granddad gets home. This is before electric starters were used, and you had to light a match and put it in a small hole in the side of the grill to ignite the flame.

She is having trouble lighting it, and after several matches, decides she’ll try a different route. She of course isn’t thinking about the fact that the gas was on the entire time, and building up in the closed grill. So, the predictable thing happens: she lights another match, and opens the grill cover to light it, and KABOOM!

A pretty big fireball goes off, and thank goodness she is OK… most of her, anyway. Her eyebrows and eyelashes are gone, and the hair at the front of her scalp is singed back pretty well, too. She is super embarrassed, but continues to make dinner like a trooper. She insists that NO ONE tell Grandpa what happened, because she doesn’t want him to get upset.

The fact she now looks like a Martian seems like a dead giveaway, but we say OK.

So Granddad gets home, and we are all sitting around the table eating, and trying our hardest to not even look at Grandma without any eyebrows and pretending everything is just perfectly normal. We’re also trying pretty hard to suppress the giggles. At one point, Granddad looks up from his food, over at Grandma, and kinda squints a double take. We figure the game is up for sure… but all he says is, “[Grandma], did you do something different with your hair?” And she answers, “Well… kind of.”

We burst out laughing.

The Speed Of Sound Is Relative Based On Relatives

, , , | Related | July 19, 2017

(My grandmother has been losing her hearing slowly for several years now. She insists that she doesn’t need a hearing aid though, despite us constantly repeating what we say to her. Her response whenever we bring up the hearing aid:)

Grandma: “You talk too fast. My ears can’t listen that fast.”

The Fall Of A Family

, , , , | Related | July 17, 2017

(A few days earlier my father had an accident. A staircase collapsed under him, and there was some worry that he had a fracture on his spine. Luckily he escaped with just a concussion and a few stitches on the back of his head. This is the third time in five years that he has fallen on a staircase and gotten hurt at home. He has decided that he is okay to visit his mother for her birthday, as it will be a small party and he can leave early. During lunch this conversation happens:)

Mother: “He has now fallen on the stairs to the first floor and broken his ankle. He has fallen on the stairs to the front door, and dislocated his arm. This time it was the stairs to the basement and his head. Maybe he should just avoid the stairs all together.”

Grandmother: “Poor man, he is so unlucky. Isn’t it your turn to fall soon?”

Will Be A While Before You Can Top That

, , , , , , | Related | July 13, 2017

(My brother, his girlfriend, and I are having dinner together the day after Mother’s Day. It is the first one since we lost our grandma, whose grave we visited for the day. At that, my brother mentions his girlfriend doesn’t like some of the jokes he makes about Grandma’s death, which include his accidental attempt to put Dad into the grave with her. We’ve just finished talking about Grandma’s husband, who died when we were young and had the same name as our father.)

Brother: “I never knew him, so it’s freaky to see Dad’s name on a grave.”

Me: “I sorta remember him, but I always forget you were five.” *to his girlfriend* “It’s been seventeen years since he died. Grandma spent years without him.”

Girlfriend: “It’s kinda nice, though, to think they’re together now.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Brother: “Now she gets to be on top.”

Me & Girlfriend: *freeze, stare at another, then burst out laughing*

Brother: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT! I MEANT SHE’S NOW THE BOSS!”

Me & Girlfriend: *laugh more*

Will Need Some Brain Bleach Along With That Lotion

, , | Related | June 30, 2017

(It is a few weeks after Christmas, and I am talking to my grandmother, 82, on the phone. She is discussing the Christmas gift I gave her: a lotion set from a popular US store chain, mostly the same scent.)

Grandmother: “So, yes, [My Name], thank you for the lotion set! It’s a really good moisturizer and… your grandfather likes it, too! He is turning 84, soon so give him a call on [Date].”

Me: “Really? That’s great! Does he use it then, too, or does he think the smell isn’t manly enough?”

Grandmother: “Well, no, he doesn’t use it… but he can’t keep his hands off me when I do!”

(I never said anything to her about it, but I haven’t bought that scent in lotions since then!)

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