A Sign That Grandpa Is Home

, , , , , , | Related | October 9, 2017

My paternal grandfather was an odd man in many ways, but the one pertaining to this story was the fact that, when he was through with something, that was the end of the discussion in his mind. It was not unusual for him to have one of my aunts drive him forty-five minutes to our house for a visit, as he had no driver’s license, visit with us for less than fifteen minutes, then announce, “Okay, I’m ready to go home!”

He was also infamous for interrupting prayers over meals. If he thought a prayer had gone on long enough, he would shout, “Amen!” and start eating or serving himself. As is the case with a lot of older people, his behavior continued without comment.

When I was five years old, Grandpa passed away. I don’t remember this incident, but according to family legend, I was quiet and well-behaved throughout the entire funeral… until we got to the cemetery. Then, in the middle of the dedicatory prayer over the grave, I spoke up at the top of my five-year-old lungs:

“WHEN ARE WE GOING HOME?!”

At any other funeral, I’m sure the family would have been mortified. But since this was Grandpa, everyone burst into much-needed laughter and remarked, “Yup, she’s Grandpa’s girl.”

The Bartok Scenes Are A Bit Of A Stretch

, , , , , , | Related | October 5, 2017

(My grandmother takes me to see the animated movie “Anastasia” when it comes out. We’ve only seen the first few minutes. All the narration has said so far is that the Czar used to rule Russia, Anastasia was his daughter, and Rasputin was a mystic who was close to the royal family. Accurate enough, and certainly recognizable as right before the Russian Revolution.)

Narration: “The year was nineteen hundred and sixteen.”

Grandma: “Did she say 1916 or 1960?”

Me: “I dunno.”

(Give me a break; I was seven. I think for a second.)

Me: “You were alive in 1960, and not in 1916. Do you remember this?”

Grandma: “This is based on something that really happened?”

(I’m still not sure if she actually forgot that the Russian Revolution happened and that Czars were a real thing, or if she didn’t realize that no matter how unrealistic the rest of the movie was, if it was set at the time of the revolution it would still have to be in 1916, not 1960.)

Parental Attachment

, , , , , , , | Related | September 22, 2017

Hopping online one day, I notice I have a message with an attachment, and open it. What is enclosed is adult imagery. This alone catches me off guard, enough to stop and wonder what is going on.

That’s when my mother, who is on the phone with my grandmother, looks at my computer and shouts, “ARE YOU LOOKING AT PORN?!”

Instantly I can hear my grandmother laughing through the speaker, and I have to explain the situation. After that my mother explains everything to my grandmother, who can’t stop laughing.

That’s Probably What The Salesman Told Her

, , , , , | Related | September 20, 2017

(My family is at my grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving. My uncle opens the freezer to get something, and finds a hot pad underneath a container of ice cream.)

Uncle: “What’s this?”

Grandmother: “It’s a hot pad.”

Uncle: “What’s it doing in the freezer?”

Grandmother: “Since it keeps the table from getting burned when you put hot things down on it, I keep it in the freezer so the ice cream won’t get freezer-burned.”

(My mother looked at my uncle and me with a death glare, and under her breath said, “Don’t you dare say a word”.)

A Storm Of Questions

, , , | Related | September 18, 2017

(I am evacuating from a hurricane with my 92-year-old grandmother and her dog. Traffic is bumper to bumper.)

Granny: “Why doesn’t the slow poke up there pull over so we can pass?”

Me: “There’s not one slow poke. The road just isn’t big enough for this many cars.”

Granny: “Well, if they’re having car trouble, they should push their car off the road so we can get by.”

Me: “They aren’t having car trouble. There’s just too many cars in a long line trying to leave.”

Granny: “Why doesn’t the first car just go faster?”

Me: “There’s not one car in front. The roads are just full of people trying to get out.”

Granny: “But why doesn’t the slow poke just pull over and let us pass?”

Me: *gives up*

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