Generation Y-Help?

, , , , | Related | May 8, 2018

(I am at the movie theater. The film has ended and the credits are rolling when I overhear this conversation.)

Little Girl: “Grandma, you made a mess.”

(She points to the huge amount of popcorn on the floor, and gets down to pick it up.)

Grandma: “Get off the floor! It’s filthy down there! People are paid to clean up after us. Let them do their job.”

Little Girl: *still picking up popcorn* “But they have this whole place to clean; we don’t need to make the job harder.”

(The grandma scowled at the little girl and pulled her out of the theater by her arm.)

Tipping The Scales In The Afterlife

, , , , , , , | Related | May 7, 2018

(From the time we were kids until she passed, my grandmother insisted on taking my cousins, uncle, and me out to eat the first Sunday of every month at a local diner. She always insisted on paying, and would always tip a single dollar. We are at her funeral dinner, and I turn to my cousin with a confession.)

Me: “I don’t think Nana ever got that a dollar tip was kind of an insult. I started leaving an extra tip hidden under my plate for the waitress.”

Cousin: “Wait, what? I was doing the same thing!”

(Laughing for the first time since Nana passed, we run over to [Cousin #2], who shockingly says that for the past few years he has been lingering behind to drop an extra tip on the table. By this point, we are all doubled over with laughter. Our uncle comes over and we tell him what’s up.)

Uncle: “So, I should tell you something. I’ve been handing a tip off to the waitress before we get seated since you guys were kids, to make up for Nana’s tipping.”

(It turns out everyone except my two youngest cousins, who are still in highschool and don’t have jobs, has been leaving between 10% and 20% tip! We all went from feeling guilty about Nana’s tipping habits to realizing that they must have thought we were the best tipping family, in an over-complicated sort of way.)

Not Much Sleeping Involved

, , , , , , | Related | May 4, 2018

(My grandparents are visiting from North Dakota and are staying at my family’s house, which is relatively small and has a distinct lack of guest bedrooms.)

Grandma: *to my parents* “We’re not kicking you out of your room again, are we? Where will you be sleeping?”

Dad: “Around. Wait, that came out wrong.”

Me: *hysterical laughter*

They’re Gunning For God

, , , , , | Friendly | May 1, 2018

(I live in a small town where one church sends members around to people’s houses. My family is technically Church of England, but we are not religious. This church’s members are extremely persistent. I am around eight years old, and my grandparents have a farm. Two church members park their car at the locked gate, climb the gate, and walk down the long driveway to the house. My grandparents have rung the church and sent letters asking them not to come onto the property, but they keep doing it week after week. My grandfather has warned them.)

Grandfather: *hearing the dogs barking* “G**d*** it. I’ve warned them.”

(He then goes to the cupboard where he keeps the shotgun for putting cattle down, culling kangaroos, etc., and goes outside and sits on the front porch steps with the shotgun behind him, out of sight of the two guys. I’m curious as to what’s going on, so I go to watch. As the men get close enough…)

Grandfather: “I’ve warned you. Now you have one minute to get off my property before I shoot.”

(He points the shotgun at them. I’ve never seen two people move so quickly in my life. They run up the driveway, jump the gate, and are gone in about a minute. About an hour later, two local cops come.)

Cop #1: “Now, [Grandfather], you can’t be doing that.”

Grandfather: “I’ve warned them numerous times and contacted the church. Plus, it wasn’t loaded.”

(This is true. As the farm is no longer a working farm, just a home, he doesn’t keep it loaded.)

Cop #2: *trying not to laugh* “Still, you’ll have to go to court over this.”

(My grandfather does have to go to the court, where the judge gives him a $100 fine, makes him hand in the gun, and tells him not to do it again. The church members never return. The second incident happens when I am about 19. As I’ve never really been religious and none of my housemates are, I would just ignore them, but this day they happen to catch me coming home. As I’m about to open the front door:)

Church Member: “Excuse me. Do you have a moment?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not religious, and no one here is. Please don’t come here again.”

(I open the door and step inside.)

Church Member: “Wait, if you’re not religious, how do you think the world was created, then? Surely you don’t think the big bang or evolution is the answer?”

Me: *sick of them already* “To be honest, I think we’re just a ‘big brother’ experiment for aliens. We’re here for their entertainment. Whenever an earthquake or something happens it’s because they’re bored.”

(I shut the door. My housemate, who heard the whole thing, can’t stop laughing.)

Housemate: “That’s better than the guy who pointed a shotgun at them a few years ago.”

Me: “Yep, that was my grandfather. I’m just a little more diplomatic.”

Housemate: “Seriously? That even made the newspaper!”

(They never came back to my house, either.)

The Job Search That Took Fifty Years

, , , , , | Working | April 20, 2018

(Twice a week the same young man shows up at my office dressed in a suit jacket and tries to drop off a resume. Each time, I refer him to the website. He comes back, having not checked the site, still trying to hand in a paper resume. Finally, I sit him down and ask why he keeps coming back.)

Man: “My grandfather says I have to show up in person and make a good impression. He says that going to a website doesn’t show initiative.”

Me: “That’s not true. Do you even have any design or programming experience?”

Man: “Uh… No. You train, right?”

Me: “No, that’s the basics of what we expect from an employee. You know we don’t have any posted job listings, right?”

Man: “No, I didn’t go to the website because my grandfather said… Heck, I’ve wasted a lot of time, haven’t I?”

(I send him back with a letter to his grandfather.)

Letter: “Dear Sir,

Your grandson has come to my office on five occasions now, following your advice. That same advice seems to be what is hampering his job search.

When I am looking for an employee, I am looking for someone with initiative, thoroughness, and follow through. In this case, I want someone who takes the initiative to visit the website and research the company. I want someone with the thoroughness to read and follow the instructions on how to properly submit their resume. Finally, I want someone who follows through with an application to any job that meets their qualifications.

I hire only competent employees, and following the very basic instructions of how to apply for a job shows this competence. By having your grandson ignore this and follow your outdated advice, he has shown himself unable to use the resources at hand, unable to follow basic rules, and requiring special treatment.

Furthermore, as you have sent him to ‘hit the pavement,’ he doesn’t know the first thing about this business! (For example, showing up in a suit to an office where we dress exceedingly casually shows he is a bad fit for our environment.)

I’ve wished your grandson well in his job search. Please stop hampering it with your bad advice. This is the new millennium.”

(The young man thanked me! A few weeks later, he emailed that he found employment in a business completely dissimilar to mine. I hope he learned his lesson about not listening to dated advice!)

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