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Nothing’s Heavier Than The Weight Of Grandma’s Expectations

, , , , , , , | Related | May 29, 2021

My boyfriend and I have just gotten engaged. We have told our immediate family, and now my fiancé is calling his grandmother. I have met her twice, and she seemed nice but a bit odd. 

Fiancé: “[My Name] and I are engaged!”

Grandma: *Very long pause* “Well, you both need to lay off the sugar.”

My fiancé is overweight but he’s the least overweight member of his family.

Fiancé: “Yes, Grandma. We are thinking of June of next year for the wedding, so fourteen months from now. That way there’s—”

Grandma: “Tell that girl to lay off the sugar or she’ll get the beetus like you!”

My fiancé was recently diagnosed as type-two diabetic. I have been type-one diabetic for decades.

Fiancé: “Okay, Grandma. Is [Cousin] at your house? Can you hand the phone to him if he is?”

Grandma: “If you lay off the sugar now, you might look halfway okay by the wedding if it’s in two months.”

Fiancé: “It’s June of next year, not this June.”

Grandma: “I’ll let my pastor know to expect your call. He’s pretty busy this June, though.”

Fiancé: “It’s in a year, Grandma, at our church.”

His grandmother then hung up the phone. Apparently, she then called my fiancé’s sister to complain about how overweight both of us are and how it would ruin wedding pictures. Since my fiancé’s sister was 200 pounds overweight at the time, she was less than sympathetic!

You Want Information? Here’s Some Information!

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: SquishySpark | May 27, 2021

My grandmother, Oma, is a woman you do NOT want to cross and performed one of the best instances of malicious compliance in my family.

My Opa — her husband — worked for a well-known US telephone company that pretty much had a monopoly fifty years ago, and Oma was a stay-at-home wife with young kids.

Early in their marriage, Opa would call home several times a day to check up on Oma. He came from an Italian-American family and his mother was very controlling. If he called and she was out to market, he’d keep calling every break until she picked up. He claimed that he just wanted to make sure she was okay. This went on for a few weeks until Oma had enough.

One day, she called his office before he could take a break, and his coworker picked up.

Oma: “Is [Opa] available?”

Coworker: “No, would you like me to get him?”

Oma: “No, but please share this message with him. Let him know that I’m going to the grocery store for an hour, so he needn’t call. Then, I will fix lunch for myself and the kids. I’ll need to give [Daughter] a bath after that, because she’s a messy eater. I’ve been constipated lately, so around two o’clock, I plan on sitting on the pot for a while and taking an enema, so if I don’t answer the phone, that’s why. Have him call if he really needs anything.”

Apparently, Opa came home that evening red-faced and never called home to check up on her again.

Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare

, , , , , | Healthy | May 17, 2021

My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.

The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.

I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.

Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”

Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.

Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”

After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.

Don’t Trust. Just Verify.

, , , , , | Legal | May 13, 2021

It’s a Saturday, nothing especially noteworthy going on. I’m on my computer in my room and my mom’s down the hall watching TV. Suddenly, my phone rings; it’s my grandpa.

Me: “Hey, Grandpa! How are you?”

Grandpa: “[My Name], I’m at the bank. I have the money! Are you all right?”

Me: “What? I’m fine, Grandpa. What money?”

Grandpa: “The money you told me to send you! Are you all right? Are you in prison?”

I leap up, freaked out.

Me: “Prison?! What are you talking about?! Grandpa, I’m at home!”

Grandpa: “You’re… not in prison? Does your mother know?”

Me: “No! I’m in my room, at home! Mom’s right down the hall. Do you need to talk to her?”

Grandpa: “I think I might, yes.”

I go to my mom’s room.

Me: “Hey, uh, Grandpa’s on the phone, and I think something weird is going on.”

I handed her the phone and they talked for a while.

Apparently, some scammer had called my grandpa with the ol’ “Grandpa, it’s me, your grandson!” And my grandpa, being, you know, old, didn’t realize it wasn’t me, dropping my name and giving the scammer a chance to latch onto it. The scammer then gave him a sob story about how “I” had taken a trip to the city and gotten “myself” arrested somehow and that my grandpa needed to wire “me” a large sum of money to pay bail. The scammer also insisted that my grandpa not tell my mother about this, which he agreed to for some reason. He was already at the bank, checkbook in hand, but luckily, he had the presence of mind at that point to call my actual cell phone to confirm I was okay. 

The good news is that he didn’t lose any money. The bad news is that my mom was pretty pissed at him for a while for nearly getting scammed and for the notion that if I were in prison, he would attempt to keep that secret from her.

What The Duke?!

, , , , , , | Related | April 29, 2021

I’m about five, and I’m in the car with my grandparents heading to a forest. A very well-known family frequents the area. Whilst it’s an area Grandpa lived in for a long period of time, he can’t remember how to get there. We’re surrounded by trees, though, so we’re likely to be close. There’s someone in a swept-up land rover behind us.

Grandpa: “I’ll ask that man behind for directions.”

Granny: *Alarmed* “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”

Grandpa: “It’s fine. I must know him; I recognise his face!”

He does just that and approaches the land rover. Then, men in suits just appear from the trees and the surrounding area. Loads of them. Grandpa freezes. I ask Granny who they are and she says they’re security.

Security: “Sir, please return to your vehicle.”

Grandpa: “But we’re lost. We want to get to [Forest].”

Security: *Pauses* “You’re in the forest. Stay on this road and you’ll get to the car park.”

Grandpa: “Oh. Right. Okay.”

He gets back to the car and heads off. There’s a long stretch of silence.

Granny: *Imitating Grandpa* “‘I must know him; I recognise his face!'” *Crossly* “That was Prince Edward, you idiot!”