Love Through This Family Flows Heavily

, , , , , , | Related | October 16, 2017

(I am in a group chat with my aunt who resides in Australia with her family, my mum, and my grandmother, who used to be a nurse back in the day. We are all close and have a great sense of humour. All this happens over text. My aunt has just told us her two sons are sick with Influenza B, and recounted an amusing story, during which her younger son was acting up due to his sickness, and his older brother whispered, “So much drama.” )

Grandma: “I would love to have been there to witness all that!”

Mum: “I’m bleeding to death. My period is so heavy. Do you want to witness that, too, Mum?!”

Grandma: “You think I’m crazy?!”

Mum: “Why are you playing favourites? Why is drama cute when [Aunt’s Youngest Son] does it, but not me?”

Grandma: “Because one is a kid, and one is a matured lady, I hope!”

Mum: “I’m still bleeding to death, just in case you decide to care!”

(As this is going on, I’m quickly searching up some information online and find what I need.)

Me: “You’re losing five pints of blood?”

Mum: *eye roll emoticon* “Maybe four.”

Me: “You mean 1892 ml of blood? When the average heavy flow is 65 ml?”

Mum: “Yup.”

Me: “Twenty times more than the normal ‘unusually heavy’ flow?”

Grandma: “Just drink lots of fluid to maintain the body volume.”

Mum: *sighs* “Don’t see you telling [Aunt’s Youngest Son] to drink lots of fluids!”

Me: *copying a comment from earlier in the chat* “‘Hope the boys get well soon. Make sure they drink enough.’ Actually, she did.”

Grandma: “Ignore your sister, [Aunt]. She’s just being silly.”

Mum: “Dying is not being silly!”

Grandma: “Yes, it is, when it’s merely lip service.”

A Totally Reasonable Reaction

, , , , , | Related | October 16, 2017

(I am staying at my grandfather’s house in rural Alaska for a summer. One day, I notice several pockmarks that look like birdshot in the bedroom wall.)

Me: “Grandpa, why did you shoot the wall in my bedroom?”

Grandpa: “There was a spider.”

Me: “You used a shotgun to kill a spider?”

Grandpa: “It was a really big spider.”

Me: “Did you at least get it?”

Grandpa: *sadly* “No.”

Will Only Accept Five-Eighths Of The Colonoscopy

, , , , , | Related | October 13, 2017

(This is at the tail end of a LOOONG list of very strange specifications that my grandpa has given my mom when she shops for his groceries. Mom can’t help but regale me with them, and I think this gem sticks out among the rest.)

Mom: “And then he was very emphatic on me just getting five eighths of a pound of meat.”

Me: “Not a half a pound or anything? Five eighths?!”

Mom: “Five. Eighths.”

Me: “FFFIIIVE EIGHTHS.”

Mom: “He wouldn’t take anything else.”

Me: “I think you should schedule a colonoscopy for him, because he’s getting pretty anal!”

Perfect Comic Timing

, , , , , | Related | October 12, 2017

(My mom and I are helping my grandparents move closer to home, when my grandma loses her vision completely. She is also diagnosed with the beginnings of dementia, so it’s a bit of a sad change for her and my grandpa. During the move, we go to eat at a restaurant. We have to leave by 1:00 pm to meet a car salesman at a dealership, so my grandparents can sell their car. My phone dies, and my mom leaves her phone in the car, so as we’re preparing to leave, we don’t know what time it is.)

Grandpa: “I don’t want to be late. Why isn’t there a clock in here?”

Mom: “We’re not late, Dad, don’t worry. [My Name], is your phone—”

Me: “Completely dead.”

Mom: “Darn. Mom, you always have a watch. Do you have it with you?”

(We all look at Grandma expectantly and she looks back at us, as best she can, like we’ve lost it.)

Grandma: “What good would that do?”

(Cue us laughing and remembering that my grandma was blind. Out of four people, the one diagnosed with dementia showed the most common sense.)

Sword In The Stone-Faced Grandma

, , , , , , | Right | October 12, 2017

Little Girl: “But, Granny, why can’t I have the sword?”

Granny: “Because swords are for boys and you’re a girl, so have the [Doll] instead.” *gestures to me* “I’m sure that she had [Doll]s as a girl.”

Me: “Actually, I had cowboy pistols and a [Gaming Console].” *while handing sword to the little girl* “Be careful ruling the high seas!”

(Granny was furious.)

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