Aussiemum

, , , | Related | November 6, 2017

(My grandma is a very kind and well-meaning lady. That being said, she is 85 and has lived as a middle-class Englishwoman for most of her life, and therefore holds some opinions about race ranging from the laughably ignorant to the downright prejudiced. Here is an instance where she manages an impressive rapidfire in a conversation with me about my sister’s Pakistani boyfriend.)

Me: “I just hope she doesn’t—”

Grandma: *interrupting* “Get married?”

Me: “What? N-no. I don’t mind if they get married.”

Grandma: “Because the thing about black people is—”

Me: “But he’s not black…”

Grandma: “Right, well, you know what I mean. The thing about foreigners is that they can’t always relate to Australian culture.”

Me: “Grandma, you’re not from Australia.”

Grandma: “Oh, yes. You’re right. Then again, no one is technically ‘Aussie.’ Everyone came here from somewhere else.”

Me: “Uh… indigenous Australians?”

Grandma: “Exactly; there were Aborigines, but no Aussies here, originally.”

Me: *face-palm and subject change*

Sexism Is A Girl Thing

, , , , , , , | Related | November 1, 2017

My grandsons have picked up some sexist ideas at school, that girls don’t like or know about video games, anime, superheroes, and certain movies. They are always amazed when I, their grandmother, can talk about those topics.

I thought we were getting away from the sexism they picked up until about a week ago when they were playing a game to guess songs from movies, TV shows, and video games.

The younger one couldn’t recognize the song. The older one held his phone toward me and asked me to guess. It only took a few notes before I said, “Original ‘Jurassic Park.’ End. Helicopter. Pelicans flying by.”

The older turned to the younger and said, “See?! Even Grandma knew it!”

Gee, thanks, kid. We’re going to be having a serious talk soon.

Giving Mom A Second Wind

, , , , , , | Related | October 24, 2017

(I work in the after-school program. This child is five and calls his grandfather “Poppy”.)

Boy: “I love when Poppy visits! We have fart contests! Except we can’t play when Mommy’s home.”

Me: “Oh, because your mom doesn’t let you?”

Boy: “No, because she always wins!”

Today The Dog, Tomorrow The World!

, , , , , | Related | October 23, 2017

(My grandmother has gotten a new kitten, Nelly, and my grandfather has gotten a new dog, Bear, after their previous dog and cat both passed away from old age. At first all we hear are horror stories about how Bear, who is incredibly playful, won’t stop chasing Nelly, trying to get her to play with him. A couple months later, we are over for a visit when Bear walks into the room. Nelly spots him, climbs to the top of her tower, and then jumps on his back and rides him out of the room.)

Me: “Did Nelly just ride Bear out of the room like a trained circus pony?”

Grandmother: “Yep. They decided they like each other now. Either that, or Nelly is training Bear as a battle mount for the day when she inevitably takes over the world.”

There’s Something About That Trick But You Can’t Put Your Finger On It

, , , , , , , | Related | October 17, 2017

My maternal grandfather had an accident with a power tool when he was younger, leaving him with three partial fingers. His pinky was the shortest, ending at the first knuckle, his ring finger was cut off between the knuckles, and his middle finger at the last knuckle.

One thing he loved to do was wait until a kid was watching him, then start picking his nose with his index finger. After a while he’d switch to his next finger, then the next, watching the kid’s eyes get wider and wider. If you didn’t know he was missing parts of his fingers, it looked like he was shoving them farther and farther up his nose. He would finally move on to his pinky stub, making it look like he had an entire finger shoved up his nostril, while the kid’s eyes bugged out of their head.

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