Old School Solutions To New School Problems

, , , | Related | June 18, 2018

(This takes place every spring and summer without fail. Several times.)

Me: *sneezing* “Ugh, I hate not being able to breathe.”

Grandma: “You wouldn’t be so sick if you’d just go outside more. You need some sunshine and fresh air.”

Me: “Grandma. I am allergic to sunshine, and I’m allergic to nearly everything that’s in the fresh air right now. I just was outside, and it’s the reason I’m miserable. Can I just stay here, where I’m able to be an asthmatic vampire in peace?”

(Every time we talk. I love you, Grandma.)

Celebrating The Never-Ending Story

, , , , | Related | June 12, 2018

(I have just graduated from high school, and my grandparents want to treat me to dinner. Two weeks ago, my little cousin graduated from eighth grade; last week was my other cousin’s 16th birthday. My birthday happens to fall just a few days after the school year ends.)

Me: “Do you know what’s in four days?”

Mom: “Your birthday!”

Grandpa: “What?”

Mom: “Yeah, it’s this Wednesday.”

Grandpa: “Holy s***, does this ever end?”

Not Wise To Your Gay Agenda

, , , , , | Related | June 8, 2018

(I’m driving home with my grandfather. I’m trans, but none of my family know yet. I decide to test the waters by mentioning the recent Bathroom Bill.)

Me: “Grandpa, do you know what a trans person is?”

Grandpa: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you know what trans men and trans women are, right?”

Grandpa: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. I used to get them mixed up, so do you want me to define them?”

Grandpa: “No! I know what they are!”

Me: “Well… Do you think trans women should use the women’s restroom, or the men’s?”

Grandpa: “The women’s, obviously!”

(My heart soars.)

Me: “Really?! So, you think trans women are women, even if they weren’t assigned as women at birth?”

Grandpa: “WHAT? You tricked me! NO! Obviously not! Those freaks need to use the bathrooms on their birth certificate!”

(He went into a rant as my heart sank. I don’t think I’ll be coming out… ever.)

“Playing Golf Together” Must Mean Something Else, Too

, , , , , , | Related | June 6, 2018

(My great-grandmother is rather open-minded. However, being from her generation, sometimes she lacks the vocabulary to talk about things. So, when her granddaughter Karen comes out as gay, she is very supportive, but rather than say, “lesbian,” which was an insult in her upbringing, she refers to anyone gay as a “friend-of-Karen’s.” We have this conversation years later when she is in her mid-nineties.)

Me: “…and then he got his doctorate degree.”

Cousin: “Good for him. He’s a friend of Bob’s, isn’t he?”

Me: “Yes, he is.”

(My great-grandmother gets very confused.)

Me: “What’s wrong, GG?”

Great-Grandmother: “I’m afraid I’m losing my memory. I remember what a friend-of-Karen’s is, but what does it mean when they are a friend-of-Bob’s? Is that when it is two boys?”

Me: *pause* “No, GG, we just meant he went to school with Bob and they play golf together.”

Older Generations Can Be Such A Drag

, , , , , , | Related | June 1, 2018

(I am attending a family dinner at my grandmother’s house for her birthday. My nephew is trying to keep himself entertained by talking with everyone. At the moment he’s talking with my estranged great aunt.)

Great Aunt: “So, [Nephew], do you know what your daddy does? Your mummy won’t tell me.”

Nephew: “He’s a drag queen!”

Great Aunt: “WHAT?! [Sister], is this true?!”

Sister: *who has been talking to my grandmother* “What? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

Great Aunt: “That your husband, [Husband], your husband, is a drag queen?

Sister: “No, he’s a drag racer on the weekends. He’s an accountant during the week. [Nephew] probably got them mixed up. He likes watching the lip syncs on that drag race show.”

(My great aunt looks beside herself in horror. I decide to add to it.)

Me: “It’s a shame. Having a drag queen in the family would be great.”

Grandmother: *looking at [Husband] in the kitchen* “He’s got the legs for it.”

Sister: “Oh, I know! Those legs are like steel. But he’s clumsy as f***. He trips up on air!”

(The rest of us laugh while [Great Aunt] grows redder in the face. An hour later she gets up to leave. She doesn’t say goodbye or anything.)

Me: “What’s her problem?”

Grandmother: “She’s always been a b****. When [Great Uncle] was discharged after being outed, she cut him out of all her family pictures. I decided to return the favour, but mailed her all the cut outs with her eyes stabbed out.”

(This is how I learned how my great aunt came to be estranged. While my family is crazy, it’s nice to know most of them have good morals. I also learned my nephew’s favourite drag queen was Peppermint, who is also my favourite.)

Page 3/2112345...Last
« Previous
Next »