Not A Grand Way To Put It

, , , , , | Related | November 20, 2017

(I have been going through some health issues; so, because I’m a single mom, my parents have stepped in to help with my daughter in a big way. Note that my little brother and sister are 13 and 15 years younger than I am.)

Me: “I really appreciate everything you do for my kid, but I feel really bad that you are paying for her private school, dance classes, swim classes, and you want to sign her up for Hebrew and piano.”

Mom: “Oh, it’s fine. Besides, your little sister likes girls, your brother is your brother, so… yeah… And you are at least smart enough to never get married or pregnant again, so she’s probably going to be the only grandkid.”

Me: “Thanks?”

A Touching Story

, , , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2017

(I am trying to teach my five-year-old daughter about danger. Not the details, but just what to do if this happens, what to do if that happens, etc. I tell her that if someone touches her when or where she doesn’t want to be touched, she has to yell, “STOP! I don’t like it!” and tell me. She seems to understand fairly well, and two days later my mum comes to visit. I go into the kitchen to make us tea and suddenly I hear, “STOP! I don’t like it!” and my daughter comes running in.)

Me: “What happened, baby?”

Daughter: “Granny hugged me ‘hello’ when I came downstairs, and I didn’t want her to.”

(Mortified, I run in to my mum, who is in stitches on the sofa.)

Mum: “Well, [My Name], I can’t fault your skills at teaching her safety. But maybe next time I’ll ask before I hug her!”

Take (Medi)Care To Stay Alive

, , , | Healthy | November 15, 2017

(I am with my grandmother, who gets tons of sales calls, which everyone in the house finds obnoxious. One day, I answer the phone for her.)

Salesperson: “Hello, this is Medicare. Can I speak to [Grandmother]?”

Me: “She’s dead.”

Salesperson: “Okay, I’ll make a note of that on her file. Goodbye.”

(He hangs up. My grandmother is staring at me in shock.)

Grandma: “DID YOU JUST TELL MEDICARE THAT I DIED?! I’LL LOSE MY INSURANCE!”

(Naturally, I freak out. I’m near hysterical as I call the company and tell them what I had done.)

Medicare Person: “Did someone call the house? Because Medicare only calls if you have made an appointment in advance. We still have her alive on here.”

(So luckily they were scammers. However, I will never do that again. Ever.)

Clowning Around With Your Grandsons

, , , , , | Related | November 6, 2017

(My son is dropping his sons off at our house right after I have thrown a handful of vividly-colored pom-poms onto the sidewalk for the cats to play with.)

Grandson #1: “What happened?”

Me: “Oh. A clown exploded.”

([Grandson #2] stares with huge eyes.)

Grandson #1: *who has been around long enough to get used to my sense of humor* “Why was a clown here?”

Aussiemum

, , , | Related | November 6, 2017

(My grandma is a very kind and well-meaning lady. That being said, she is 85 and has lived as a middle-class Englishwoman for most of her life, and therefore holds some opinions about race ranging from the laughably ignorant to the downright prejudiced. Here is an instance where she manages an impressive rapidfire in a conversation with me about my sister’s Pakistani boyfriend.)

Me: “I just hope she doesn’t—”

Grandma: *interrupting* “Get married?”

Me: “What? N-no. I don’t mind if they get married.”

Grandma: “Because the thing about black people is—”

Me: “But he’s not black…”

Grandma: “Right, well, you know what I mean. The thing about foreigners is that they can’t always relate to Australian culture.”

Me: “Grandma, you’re not from Australia.”

Grandma: “Oh, yes. You’re right. Then again, no one is technically ‘Aussie.’ Everyone came here from somewhere else.”

Me: “Uh… indigenous Australians?”

Grandma: “Exactly; there were Aborigines, but no Aussies here, originally.”

Me: *face-palm and subject change*

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