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The Universe Giveth And Taketh Away

, , , , , | Working | July 2, 2021

When I was in my late teens, I was a programmer for a huge aerospace firm. The parking lot alone was the size of the lot for a mid-sized shopping mall. When I was leaving work one day, I realized that my car keys were missing. The keychain on it was unique: a long strip of some furry animal skin. I checked with security and nobody had turned in any keys. Security contacted a locksmith for me and he got me in my car and made a replacement key. It cost me quite a bit, but I wised up and duplicated the key, plus copies of my other keys, so I had spares… just in case.

“Just in case” was nearly a year later. I knew I could call my dad and have him bring me spares, but I figured I’d check with security first.

Me: “Hi. Did you have any keys turned in today?”

Guard: “Oh, yes. We just had these turned in today.”

He reached in the lost and found box, and I could tell at a glance as he pulled it out that it was mine. It was the furry-tailed set of keys I lost the year before. The set I lost that day never turned up. So weird.

Of All The Ways You Try To Get Someone To Pay For Your Ride

, , , , | Right | June 30, 2020

An employee of a temp service has just been fired from his job. He’s already called once and been directed to the on-call person for the temp agency.

Me: “Good evening, [after hours service]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, I was jumped by three people at this job and they told me to leave. [Temp Service] told me there’s nothing they can do but my ride won’t be here for another hour. I need to get home; can you call me a taxi?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. I am the answering service; I cannot call you a taxi.”

Caller: “Well… what I am supposed to do, then? I can’t wait here for an hour. I need you to call me a taxi.”

Me: “Sir, I will not call you a taxi. That’s something you need to do yourself.”

Caller: “Okay, well, who would I call then?”

Me: “Call for what, sir?”

Caller: “To get a ride home… Would I call the Department of Treasury?”

Me: *Sighs* “No, sir, you would call the taxi company.”

You can’t fix stupid.

Might Be Time To Change Doctors

, , , , , | Healthy | May 31, 2020

I work for a doctor’s emergency answering service. A frantic woman calls in at three am.

Me: “Hello, [Service].”

Woman: “I need [Doctor] to call me ASAP! My son has swallowed a nickel!”

Me: “Certainly. Just let me get some information and I’ll have [Doctor] call you right back.”

The woman gives me all the pertinent info. I call [Doctor]  and wake him up from a very obvious sound sleep.

Me: “Sorry to wake you, [Doctor]. I’ve got a call from [Woman]; she says her son has swallowed a nickel.”

There’s a five-second pause.

Doctor: “So, is he choking or does she want me to make change?”