It’s A Gateway Lesson

| Learning | September 8, 2016

(I am talking to my friend about our current PSHE program, where the classes rotate between the topics of sex, drugs and alcohol, and mental health. Suddenly my friend comes out with this gem…)

Friend: “I actually have no idea what we’re doing next. I mean, we were supposed to be doing drugs, but we never actually got round to doing drugs.”

Me: “Can I put that on Not Always Learning?”

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Time Wasting Goes Both Ways

| Learning | December 19, 2015

(I have a teacher who is always a bit in the clouds. She also seems to hate me. One day, she calls me and two other students to her desk after class. She talks with the first student, who then leaves, so now there’s me and another student left. The teacher just stares at us. After about five seconds…)

Me: “So, Mrs [Teacher]…”

Teacher: “[My Name], don’t you see I’m going to talk to [Other Student] first? It’s so RUDE how you ALWAYS interrupt people!”

Me: “Uh… I’m sorry?”

(She talks to the other student, who then leaves too, so now I’m left alone with her. However, she starts to pack her stuff.)

Me: “Uuuh… Mrs. [Teacher]?”

(She looks at me wide-eyed.)

Teacher: “Why are you still in here? Get out; I have to lock the door!”

Me: “…No offence, but you asked me to come to your desk after class. You said you wanted to tell me something.”

Teacher: “Oh, yes, I wanted to…”

(She pauses again, staring at me…)

Teacher: “…but I forgot. So now get out. Don’t waste my time!”

(I’ll be so happy when I get a different teacher.)

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Stop This Cretinous Behaviour

| Learning | October 13, 2015

(During a French class, the word “chrétien” crops up in a book we are reading. The teacher establishes that this is the French word for “Christian”.)

Class Smart-Alec: “Is that the origin of the word “cretin”, sir?”

Teacher: “That’s it. I’ve had enough of your unholy and anti-religious attitude. You’ll be in for a Saturday detention and you can go and see the Headmaster immediately. Then …”

Class Swot: “Actually, sir, the word “cretin” does ultimately derive from the word “chrétien.” We looked it up one day some time ago.”

Teacher: “Well, er, that’s not the point…”

Class Swot: “It absolutely is the point, sir. You can’t punish someone for bringing up an interesting etymological fact, just because it contradicts your own prejudices.”

Teacher: “Right, that’s enough! You are also in Saturday detention, and you can also go and see the Headmaster immediately.”

(Class Smart-Alec and Class Swot both went and visited the Headmaster and related their story, who agreed with both that this detention was unfair. No idea what he said to the French teacher, but the teacher was considerably less quick to punish members of the class for being smart.)

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Creeping Into Creepy Territory

| Learning | June 2, 2015

(I have a tendency to say things that other people may find creepy. There’s a teacher in my school that my best friend and I are on very good terms with and I find him to be rather good-looking. One day, after changing classes, we pass him in the corridor.)

Me: “Hey, Mr. [Teacher]!”

Friend: “We’ve just changed classes! You’ll have to put up with us for the next three years!”

Teacher: “Woe is me! If you don’t behave, I’ll get you expelled!”

Me: “Oh, shut up, you wouldn’t!”

Teacher: “You never know, [My Name]! Bye now, my next class is waiting!”

(He winks at me and walks off. When he’s out of earshot, I turn to my friend.)

Me: “He just winked at me. I think I’m gonna swoon. Please catch me.”

Friend: “He IS good-looking, right? I thought it was just me!”

Me: “Wait, you don’t think I’m creepy?”

Friend: “No, you’re right!”

Me: “Good.” *short pause* “Well, if he wasn’t that old and my teacher, I’d probably try to kiss him. Wait, is he married? If not, I might just overthink not trying…”

Friend: “NOW you’re being creepy!”

(I didn’t try.)

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Sodium So Dum

| Learning | April 30, 2015

(It’s the last few minutes of chemistry lesson. I have a classmate who’s a real health nut and believes that every chemical-sounding ingredient in food is dangerous. I overhear her talking to another girl.)

Classmate: “Hey, you know there’s sodium chloride in your chips?”

(She goes on some kind of rampage about how one shouldn’t turn a blind eye to dangerous chemicals in food. I intervene.)

Me: “Hey, [Classmate], do you actually know the effects of sodium chloride?”

(She goes quiet.)

Me: “Sodium is an alkali metal that reacts to moisture very quickly. Chlorine is the stuff in swimming pools that kills bacteria. Sodium chloride can seriously dry out your body, it’s lethal doses is about five grams per kilogram of body weight and if you dissolve it in water and drink it, you’ll vomit violently and probably get stomach cramps!”

(By now, she has a smug look on her face.)

Classmate: *to the girl with the chips* “See, I told you it’s dangerous!”

Me: “And, you know what’s the best part?”

Classmate: “Huh?”

Me: “Sodium chloride is table salt. Nothing more. Just f****** salt.”

(She never bothered anyone again while I was around. Plus, my chemistry teacher overheard me and gave me a high five.)

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