A Complete Debarkle

| Brisbane, Australia | Uncategorized

(I work in the call center for parks & gardens.)

Me: “Parks & Gardens, may I help you?”

Resident: “I want a new street tree, please.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Is there a problem with your current street tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It doesn’t attract the native birds. I want a street tree that attracts native birds.”

Me: “Okay. We don’t normally replace street trees just because they don’t attract birds. Other forms of wildlife use the street trees too. Is there anything actually wrong with the tree?”

Resident: “Yes. It keeps on growing.”

Stupidity That Can Be Seen From Space

| Salinas, CA, USA | Extra Stupid, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

(When taking a call from a customer who has a trash pickup problem I usually pull up an aerial picture to see what the property configuration is.)

Me: “How may I help you sir?”

Caller: “I think the garbage truck ran over my cement pad and broke the corner.”

Me: “You mean the small pad on the north side of the driveway?”

Caller: *long pause* “Do you memorize everyone’s property?”

Me: “No, I pulled up your property on my computer and I’m looking at a picture of your front yard.”

Caller: “Wow! That’s really amazing! Wait, wait, give me a second!”

(The customer drops the phone and I can hear him calling someone as he leaves the room. About one minute later he gets back on the phone and is slightly out of breath.)

Caller: “Can you see her now?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand?”

Caller: “My wife, my wife, she’s out on the front lawn in the white bathrobe and curlers. I can see her waving up at you!”

Perturbed By The Verb

| Queens, NY, USA | Funny Names, Politics, Uncategorized

Caller: “You need to do something about that new surf shop. You need to shut them down.”

Me: “Ma’am, we can’t just shut the surf shop down, but why don’t you tell me the problem?”

Caller: “Well, they’re very inappropriate! My teenage daughter walked by the other day, and they ‘Googled’ her!”

Me: “They ‘Googled’ your daughter?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “As she walked by?”

Caller: “That’s what I’m telling you!”

Me: “Do you mean they ‘ogled’ her?”

Caller: “Same thing!”

Should Get His Head Chequed

| Australia | Uncategorized

(A client calls in regarding a payment he is expecting from us. I determine the reason for delay, correct it and all that is left is the processing of the payment.)

Me: “How would you like the payment, sir? Electronically or by cheque?”

Client: “Electronically, please.”

Me: “Not a problem. I just need your bank account details so we can transfer the payment.”

Client: *short pause* “Who are you again?”

Me: “I’m [my name] from [government department].”

Client: “So this is [government department]? How do I know that’s true?”

Me: “Well, you called me.”

Client: “Did I? I’m still not sure. I think you’re faking it.”

Me: “Well, sir, if you’re uncomfortable providing your bank account details over the phone, we can send the payment via cheque.”

Client: “No, a cheque takes too long.”

Me: “We currently don’t have your bank account details, so you will need provide them to us if you want electronic payment.”

Client: “Well, that’s no good.”

Me: “Cheque then, sir?”

Client: “I guess, do I have to give you my address?”

Me: “No, we already have your address unless…have you moved
recently, sir?”

Client: *exasperated sigh* “How would I know that?”

All In A Muggle

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(The entrance to the office is a sliding glass door. A man is staring at the doorway looking forlorn as I’m working the reception desk.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: *shouting* “Yeah, I’m here to make a delivery!”

Me: “You can just drop it off with me, sir.”

Customer: *still shouting* “But how do I get in?”

Me: “The door’s open.”

Customer: “But where’s the door?”

Me: “It’s right in front of you. It’s open.”

Customer: “Okay, it’s unlocked, but how do I open it?”

Me: “Just step forward!”

(He cautiously puts his hands up and slowly walks through the open doorway, and smiles like he just found the entrance to Hogwarts.)

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