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Speeding Your Way Into A Petty Dispute

, , , , , , , , | Legal | December 11, 2021

One summer, a friend of mine is going to the Jersey shore one day with his family and is driving along a highway that New Jersey state police are well known to patrol heavily. He makes sure to do the speed limit. Sure enough, a state police cruiser does eventually end up behind him. My friend thinks nothing of it. After a mile with the state cop behind him, a sports car suddenly passes on the left, doing at least ninety. The state cop lights up, of course, and my friend pulls over to let the cruiser pass. To his shock, however, the cruiser pulls over behind him instead, and after a short discussion, the officer hands my friend a ticket for speeding.

My friend fights the ticket, but despite his dashcam footage proving he was doing the limit the whole time and the officer even admitting my friend was doing the speed limit, the court sides with the officer and forces my friend to pay the speeding fine. Naturally, he is frustrated at first, but he then decides that if the State of New Jersey is going to be petty, then so is he. When he writes the check to pay the fine and court costs, he writes it for exactly two cents more than the total amount of the fine.

A month later, my friend receives a check in the mail from the State of New Jersey… for two cents. He gleefully puts the check through the shredder, knowing that the state’s checkbooks are going to no longer be balanced — or at least further unbalanced since other drivers have undoubtedly overpaid the state before him. He has also started taking a different, less heavily-patrolled highway to the shore, and hasn’t gotten another ticket since. The state continues to send him two-cent checks, which continue to go right through my friend’s shredder until the state stops sending them about a year later.

Being Babies Over The Baby Vouchers

, , , | Right | December 4, 2021

In the UK, if you have babies and young children and are on a very low income or receive certain benefits, you’re given vouchers to use when you’re buying fruit and veg, milk, and baby formula. There are very specific rules to what is and is not covered by the vouchers. You wouldn’t believe the number of arguments I’ve had with entitled idiots over the use of these coupons!

Customer #1: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I CAN’T USE THEM TO BUY CHIPS?! CHIPS ARE A VEGETABLE!”

No, they are a processed food item.

Customer #2: “THE LADY AT THE OFF-LICENCE LETS ME BUY BEER WITH THEM, SO YOU HAVE TO, TOO!”

No, that’s either a lie or illegal, as these are GOVERNMENT-ISSUED and you’re supposed to use them to feed your babies.

Customer #3: “YOU OWE ME CHANGE! I DIDN’T SPEND THE TOTAL VALUE!”

I am not allowed to give change because my till will only let you use it for the exact amount; otherwise, I’m prompted “insufficient” and, therefore, I’ll either give you back your coupon to use next time or ask if you want to buy something else to make up the amount.

Customer #4: “HOW THE F*** DO YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN OR CANNOT BUY WITH THEM?!”

It’s literally printed in bold font on the front AND back of every coupon.

The list is endless.

¿Cómo Se Dice “Jerk” En Español?

, , | Right | November 14, 2021

I had a gig doing phone surveys for various organizations; one of them was the Florida Department of Transportation.

Respondent: “It makes me so mad that some of our street signs have Spanish on them! I’m American. I shouldn’t have to look at foreign languages.”

Do Dead Men Tell Tales?

, , , , , | Working | November 4, 2021

I live in a government-owned block of flats which houses only elderly people. About a year ago, I was attacked by a resident who is known to be a drug abuser and has attacked and hospitalised a number of residents of the complex and outsiders during what appear to be drug-induced psychotic episodes.

He tried to kill me, and he might have done so if a young visitor to the complex had not interfered and prevented it. I was very badly traumatised and have never really recovered from the incident. 

I contacted the Housing Department urging that my attacker be evicted for the safety of all the residents.

Me: *On the phone* “He tried to kill me! He should be evicted for all our safety.”

Bureaucrat: “Well, we can’t evict him unless it is for something serious.”

Me: *Nonplussed* “You mean that him trying to kill me isn’t something serious?”

Bureaucrat: *Obviously not paying attention* “Not unless he actually killed you.”

Me: “…”

When They Are Censoring Themselves

, , , , | Right | November 2, 2021

It is 2010. I work as an enumerator for the US Census Bureau. My job is to go to residences that have not responded to the mail-in form and get the requested information. Besides using the information for congressional district assignments, the demographic information is used by governments to determine if schools need to be built for upcoming students, if new roads need to be built, etc.

At this time in the US, the “Tea Party” movement is going strong. They are a group of ultra-conservatives that are for smaller government and less government spending. We’ve been warned in our training that “Tea Party” members are reluctant to give any personal information, even though personal data collected by the US Census isn’t publicly released until seventy-five years have passed.

I approach one house where the pickup truck out front is adorned with several US flags. I brace for what I (correctly) assume is a “Tea Party” member. I ring the doorbell and am brusquely greeted by a man.

Me: “Hello. I’m [My Name] with the US Census office. I’m here to collect the data on your household, as we didn’t receive your form by the deadline. Do you have time today to answer some questions about your household?”

Resident: “You only need to know the number of people here. It’s five.”

Me: “Actually, sir, the information is shared with state and local governments to make sure the proper level of services are available to you and your family in the upcoming years, so the demographic data is very important.”

Resident: “Can I see what you’re going to ask?”

I show him the form that I’m going to be filling out. For this census, it is very basic: name, date of birth, ethnic identity (of the person’s choice), marriage status, and maybe a couple of other things. He grudgingly lets me interview him and get his data.

Me: “Thank you very much for your time, sir. Have a good evening.”

Resident: “By the way, how long has the government been doing this census thing?”

Me: “Well… since 1790.”