Doesn’t Get My Vote

| ID, USA | Related | June 10, 2016

(My mom and I are going together to vote. I’ve been terrible at keeping up on local politics, so when I get to the voting booth I only vote on the one issue I know about, figuring a misinformed vote does more damage than no vote at all. Afterwards…)

Mom: “You voted really fast. Did you just not vote for anybody?”

Me: “Pretty much. The only thing I knew anything about was the library bond, so I just left the rest of the ballot blank.”

Mom: “You should have asked me! I was right next to you. I would have told you who to vote for!”

Me: “Doesn’t that defeat the point of voting in the first place?”

Stucks To Be You

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Working | May 10, 2016

(I and two colleagues get stuck between floors in a lift in our office. We hit the emergency button which connects us to the front security desk.)

Me: “Hi. We’re stuck in lift three between the third and fourth floors.”

Security Guard: “Well, sucks to be you.” *hangs up*

Divorcing Yourself From The Situation

| FL, USA | Romantic | May 9, 2016

(I work in the county courthouse. Much of my day is spent getting customers documentation of their divorces for Social Security benefits, DMV, pension plans, passport applications, etc. On this particular day, a woman comes in with her current husband needing a certified copy of her divorce from the mid-1980s. A coworker could not find it and asked me to look.)

Me: “Ma’am, we cannot locate any record of your divorce. Was it filed in this county or one of the neighboring ones? Or was it possibly filed under a different name?”

Wife: “Oh, it was definitely filed here. Under [Name].”

(After much searching I find it by looking up one of the children on the case. It is filed under a hyphenated name, not the one she gave me over and over. However, the divorce was never finalized.)

Me: “Ma’am. I believe I’ve located the case. I just need to verify some details on the case.”

(After verifying that this is indeed her case, I have some unfortunate news…)

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve located your case. However, unless you or your husband filed in another county, your divorce was never finalized here. The judge dismissed this case as none of the parties showed up to the hearing.”

(As expected, she goes ballistic… Her current husband gets a rather weird look on his face, smiles, starts laughing, and throws up his hands…)

Husband: “This is the best news I’ve ever had! This means I’m not legally married to this crazy b****!”

Noro-nono

| Devon, England, UK | Working | April 8, 2016

(There is currently a nationwide outbreak of norovirus which is in the news a lot. My husband has been ill with it, which I then catch from him. I think I am better so we go into town together before I feel ill again later, and we start walking home. I stop for a rest outside a church after being sick. We’re about ten minutes from home but I’m running out of energy, so I sit down and rest my head in my hands. A couple of minutes later, a police car pulls up and two officers get out and approach us. I feel I should note my husband and I are both 21.)

Police Officer #1: “What’s going on here, then? We got a call saying someone was collapsed drunk.” *accusatory tone* “How much have you been drinking?”

Me: “Nothing. Neither of us drink. I’m just ill right now. We’ve been trying to get home but I needed a rest.”

Police Officer #1: *to her colleague* “I don’t think they’re telling us everything.”

Husband: *visibly annoyed* “If you’re so sure my wife is drunk, why don’t you breathalyse her? She’s ill and we want to go home, if you don’t mind.”

Police Officer #1: “Well, how do you know she’s ‘ill’?”

Me: “Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing about the norovirus outbreak? Because my husband was ill with it a few days ago? Because I haven’t had anything alcoholic to drink since we got married two years ago?”

(Police Officer #1 storms off, talking into her radio.)

Police Officer #2: “Why are you getting upset?”

Me: “Because I don’t appreciate being judged, presumably because I’m in my early 20s, and I don’t feel like I’m being listened to. I feel like crap and I just want to rest at home until I’m feeling better.”

Police Officer #2: “Okay. Can I take your name and address, please?” *notes down details* “So, you don’t live too far away. Good. We actually have an ambulance on standby if you want to get checked over?”

Me: “No, I just want to go home.”

Police Officer #2: “Please promise me you’ll call an ambulance if you get any worse.”

Me: *feeling a wave of nausea coming on* “Yes! Can I go home now, please?”

Police Officer #2: “I can give you a lift if you like?”

Me: “No! I mean, no, that’s fine. I get carsick.”

(We eventually made it home. I’m still unimpressed with how judgmental the police are here. It’s so noticeable.)

Just Became Your Number One Problem

| Germany | Friendly | March 23, 2016

(This happened to my grandfather in the 60s. He is out with a few friends late at night and they all decide it would be fun to pee against the City Hall. My grandfather claims he didn’t have to go but decides to join them anyway. Of course, a police officer shows up and they all run, except for some reason my grandfather doesn’t.)

Grandfather: “I’m really sorry about this. I didn’t really need to go but all my friends did it.”

Police Officer: “I see. Where do you live?”

Grandfather: *points across the street* “Right over there.”

Police Officer: “Well, I wasn’t going to write you up, but now it seems I have to!”

(He got a fine for 10 Deutschemark!)

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