License To Bill

| England, UK | Working | March 19, 2016

(I am an Australian and applying for Indefinite Leave to Remain in England. It has been a long and expensive process and I have been told I need to pass a “Life in the UK” test. I am eventually called in.)

Employee: “Please, can I have your passport and proof of address?”

(Proof of address must be from a utility company or government issued, and I could not find my driver’s license.)

Me: *hands over documents* “I don’t have a bill as it’s all paperless statements but I have a policy letter.”

Employee: “I can’t accept this. Have you got anything else?”

Me: “Wait, why not? It’s from [Gas and Electricity Supplier] and dated in the last month!”

Employee: “It’s not a bill. They’re very strict on this sort of thing.”

Me: “It’s very convenient for me to get paperless statements so I don’t get any bills. I also couldn’t find my license; don’t drive so it’s easy to lose track of…”

Employee: “I can’t allow you to participate in the test if you cannot produce a bill or license.”

(After clutching at straws and arguing I am eventually sent away. I am not refunded my £50 for booking the test and the train there had cost me £30, plus they are usually booked solid so I basically have one more chance to pass and I haven’t even got to attempt it. I wander around in a daze, go home, and book another test, this time further away with a more expensive train. Take two:)

Employee: “Can I see your proof of address, please?”

Me: *hands over documents* “Here is my license and several letters from all my utilities.”

Employee: *glances and hands them back* “Yep, that’s fine.”

Me: “Wait, you don’t need a copy?”

Employee: “I can see the address matches your file, it’s fine.”

Me: “…”

Social Anxiety

| Canada | Related | February 21, 2016

(My fiancée and I were going through a financial rough patch, so we apply for social assistance.)

Social Worker: “Oh, this says you’ve been on social assistance before.”

Me: *confused* “I’ve never applied for it before.”

Social Worker: “It says it was in [year I would still have been in high school].”

Me: “I was only 16 then…”

Social Worker: “Oh! Yes, it says here that your mother applied on your behalf.”

(I’d had no clue at the time that we were on social assistance!)

Accredited With Being Stupid

| SC, USA | Right | November 17, 2015

(I work security and administrative actions at a government agency on Fort Jackson. Our agency, like most, has initials that are very similar to NCAA.)

Me: *answering phone* “National Center for Credibility Assessment. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Hi. This is probably going to be the stupidest question you answer all day.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead.”

(The caller then begins to go on about how she is in need of taking accredited classes for her physical trainer courses and she needed to know how to go about getting those classes.)

Me: “Ma’am, I am not entirely sure you called the right place. This is a polygraph school.”

Caller: “Right, so how would I go about being accredited? Can you direct me to another department?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the only thing we do with any physical education is within the first two weeks of the polygraph course, when the students get college level anatomy.”

Caller: “Well, your website brags about being NCCA accredited.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I assure you it does not. I think you are tying to—”

Caller: “You are NCCA right?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but we don’t offer the courses you would need to physical therapy. I think you mean NCAA.”

Caller: *legitimately confused* “I don’t understand.”

Me: “This is the NCCA, the polygraph school. You may need to revisit the website and try a number within the site.”

Caller: “But I was just on your site. YOU accredit people.”

Me: “Ma’am, will you go back to the site you visited?”

Caller: *heavy sigh* “Okay”

Me: “Now will you read for me the letters at the top of the page?”

Caller: “NCAA… Ooh.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, the initials are very close but you do in fact have the wrong number.”

Caller: “I am sorry I wasted your time; I will search another number.”

Me: “Okay, thank you, have a great day.”


(The lady calls back again and when I answer she begins to complain that I lied to her to get out of doing my job. I walk her through the NCAA website to find a number for the courses she is interested in. She then begins dialing the number with me still on the phone. When they answer this is all I hear…)


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This Way Leads To Trouble

| MA, USA | Working | October 8, 2015

Coworker: “Excuse me; I need to go do the mail.”

Me: *doesn’t move*

Coworker: “GTFOMA.”

Me: “Get…The…F***…Out…of…My…A**?”

Coworker: “Yes! Wait – No! Get out of my way, not my a**! GTFOMW!”

Me: “What was I doing in your a**?”

Regina Phalange Calling

| Derbyshire, England, UK | Right | September 25, 2015

(My dad works in TV licensing, the main role of which is issuing warnings to people who haven’t paid their licenses. This exchange takes place as he’s reading back a form to a suspected license fraud filled in earlier in the day.)

Dad: “I think this either made the stupidest attempt not to get caught ever or she’s taking the p***.”

Me: “Why?”

Dad: “Well, under ‘name’ she’s put ‘Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock.'”

(I crack up, recognising the ‘Friends’ reference.)

Dad: “Hey, I’m the one who has to go back and sort this!”

Me: “Okay, here’s what you need to do…”

(I tell my dad a few ‘Friends’ quotes to slip into conversation, to make it clear he knows what she’s doing. Apparently she paid up (under her real name) as she didn’t think anyone would remember that show!)

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