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Should Get His Head Chequed

, , , | Right | May 3, 2010

(A client calls in regarding a payment he is expecting from us. I determine the reason for the delay, correct it, and all that is left is the processing of the payment.)

Me: “How would you like the payment, sir? Electronically or by cheque?”

Client: “Electronically, please.”

Me: “Not a problem. I just need your bank account details so we can transfer the payment.”

Client: *short pause* “Who are you again?”

Me: “I’m [My Name] from [Government Department].”

Client: “So this is [Government Department]? How do I know that’s true?”

Me: “Well, you called me.”

Client: “Did I? I’m still not sure. I think you’re faking it.”

Me: “Well, sir, if you’re uncomfortable providing your bank account details over the phone, we can send the payment via cheque.”

Client: “No, a cheque takes too long.”

Me: “We currently don’t have your bank account details, so you will need to provide them to us if you want electronic payment.”

Client: “Well, that’s no good.”

Me: “Cheque, then, sir?”

Client: “I guess. Do I have to give you my address?”

Me: “No, we already have your address unless… have you moved recently, sir?”

Client: *exasperated sigh* “How would I know that?”

All In A Muggle

, , , , , | Right | March 20, 2010

(The entrance to the office is a sliding glass door. A man is staring at the doorway looking forlorn as I’m working the reception desk.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: *shouting* “Yeah, I’m here to make a delivery!”

Me: “You can just drop it off with me, sir.”

Customer: *still shouting* “But how do I get in?”

Me: “The door’s open.”

Customer: “But where’s the door?”

Me: “It’s right in front of you. It’s open.”

Customer: “Okay, it’s unlocked, but how do I open it?”

Me: “Just step forward!”

(He cautiously put his hands up and slowly walked through the open doorway, and smiled like he just found the entrance to Hogwarts.)

For Signs Of Stupidity, The Buck Stops Here

, , , , | Right | March 8, 2010

(We are responsible for the placement of traffic signs. I get this call from a resident where we just placed a deer crossing sign.)

Me: “Hello, [Government Office]. How may I help you?”

Resident: “Yes, you just placed a deer crossing sign down the street from my house.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Resident: “Well, I am not happy with its location. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of deer cross the roads in my neighborhood.”

Me: “What is your concern about its location?”

Resident: “I’d like you to move it down the road a few yards. It would be a lot more convenient if the deer knew to cross there. Can you do that before they get used to it where it is?”


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Magic Plows? Snow Problem!

, , , , , | Right | March 8, 2010

(We just received well over fifteen inches of snow during the course of the night. Obviously, our buses are late and our subway system is crowded.)

Customer: “My bus was twenty-five minutes late and I arrived to work late. My boss just gave me my final warning. One more lateness and I’ll be fired!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that but, as you can see, we currently have snow on the ground and there isn’t much we can do but to wait for the plow crews to finish their job.”

Customer: “Excuses! I got a final warning from my boss and I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay. If it is of any help to you, I can mail an official letter to your boss certifying that your lateness was our fault and not yours.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want no letter from you guys. I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay, I apologize for the inconvenience, but–”

Customer: “You know what would have been helpful? You guys should have performed a ‘preventative’ plowing before the snow fell!”


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Who You Gonna Call: Sawdusters

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Furniture Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. You make custom furniture, right?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Okay, can you make a table and maybe some chairs out of this tree in my front yard?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we don’t actually do any of the tree cutting. We get all of our wood from a lumber yard.”

Customer: “But the city says I need to cut down this tree right away or I’ll be fined!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do anything about that.”

Customer: “Well, screw you, then! My grandfather planted this tree here! He’s going to haunt you till you die! HAUNT YOU TILL YOU DIE!”


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