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What’s A Few Years Hard Labor Anyway

, , , , , | Right | May 6, 2009

(I work in the call center of a major insurance company.)

Customer: “I just received this form… What does it mean?”

Me: “That is letting you know how much interest income you received last year which we reported to the IRS.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the IRS to know!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we’re legally obligated to report that information to the IRS.”

Customer: “Do you do everything the government tells you to?!”

Me: “Umm… yes?”

Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 3

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

(I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)

Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”

Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”

Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”

Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”

Customer: “But what do they mean?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”

Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”

Team Building Retreat With The Reindeer

, , , , , | Right | October 8, 2008

Me: “Good evening, [Hotel]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to check your availability for December 24th to the 26th.”

Me: “We do have rooms available for those dates.”

Caller: “I work for the government, and I’m wondering if you have the government discount?”

Me: “Only government employees on official government business are eligible for our government rates.”

Caller: “I’m on official business, then!”

Me: “You’re trying to book a room for Christmas.”

Caller: *hangs up*


This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

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Bureaucracy’s Hidden Benefits

, , , , , | Right | September 10, 2008

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Client: “I’d like to know why I haven’t received my benefits.”

Me: “Let’s just pull up your case. Can I have your case number?”

(The client gives me their case number and I pull up the case.)

Me: “Well, it looks like you didn’t return your application. Without an application, we can’t approve welfare benefits.”

Client: “Can’t we do it over the phone?”

Me: “No, you need to come in and do an in-person interview so we can get an ID and a signature.”

Client: “So, we can’t do it over the phone?”

Me: “No, we need a face-to-face interview.”

Client: “That’s just too much work. I’ll just go get a job!” *click*


This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!

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Check The Pot At The End Of The Rainbow

, , , | Right | May 18, 2008

(Customers have been calling in asking for their Economic Stimulus Tax Rebate since the third week in April, even though it wasn’t scheduled to start showing up until the first weekend in May.)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if my $600 rebate was in my account yet? My neighbor got his.”

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like it has not been deposited yet.”

Customer: “Why not? My neighbor got his already.”

Me: “I do apologize, but the IRS has not sent the deposit to your account yet.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir, but you can call the IRS at 1-866-*** ****, or visit their website. They can tell you when yours is scheduled to be deposited.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just put the money in my account?”

Me: “Because we don’t have it, sir.”

Customer: “Well, after it comes in, I’m changing banks!”

Me: *shakes head*