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For Signs Of Stupidity, The Buck Stops Here

, , , , | Right | March 8, 2010

(We are responsible for the placement of traffic signs. I get this call from a resident where we just placed a deer crossing sign.)

Me: “Hello, [Government Office]. How may I help you?”

Resident: “Yes, you just placed a deer crossing sign down the street from my house.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Resident: “Well, I am not happy with its location. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of deer cross the roads in my neighborhood.”

Me: “What is your concern about its location?”

Resident: “I’d like you to move it down the road a few yards. It would be a lot more convenient if the deer knew to cross there. Can you do that before they get used to it where it is?”


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Magic Plows? Snow Problem!

, , , , , | Right | March 8, 2010

(We just received well over fifteen inches of snow during the course of the night. Obviously, our buses are late and our subway system is crowded.)

Customer: “My bus was twenty-five minutes late and I arrived to work late. My boss just gave me my final warning. One more lateness and I’ll be fired!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that but, as you can see, we currently have snow on the ground and there isn’t much we can do but to wait for the plow crews to finish their job.”

Customer: “Excuses! I got a final warning from my boss and I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay. If it is of any help to you, I can mail an official letter to your boss certifying that your lateness was our fault and not yours.”

Customer: “No! I don’t want no letter from you guys. I’m about to get fired!”

Me: “Okay, I apologize for the inconvenience, but–”

Customer: “You know what would have been helpful? You guys should have performed a ‘preventative’ plowing before the snow fell!”


This story is part of our Customers Versus Mother Nature roundup!

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Who You Gonna Call: Sawdusters

, , , , | Right | January 19, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Furniture Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. You make custom furniture, right?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Okay, can you make a table and maybe some chairs out of this tree in my front yard?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we don’t actually do any of the tree cutting. We get all of our wood from a lumber yard.”

Customer: “But the city says I need to cut down this tree right away or I’ll be fined!”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but I can’t do anything about that.”

Customer: “Well, screw you, then! My grandfather planted this tree here! He’s going to haunt you till you die! HAUNT YOU TILL YOU DIE!”


This story is part of our Outrageous Requests roundup!

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More Leftovers, Less Landfill

, , , , , , | Right | November 30, 2009

(I work for the city government and received this call the day after Halloween.)

Customer: “The garbage collectors didn’t take all my garbage this morning. They left my pumpkin.”

Me: “Well, sir, where did you leave the pumpkin for collection?”

Customer: “In my recycling bin.”

Me: “Well, that’s why they didn’t take it. You need to put it in your garbage can.”

Customer: “But you can recycle a pumpkin!”

Me: “Sir, what do you think they are going to recycle your pumpkin into?”

Customer: “PIE!”


This story is part of our Pumpkin Spice roundup!

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Golden Rule, Meet Golden Bulldozer

, , , , | Legal Right | October 2, 2009

(I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.)

Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!”

Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.”

Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!”

Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.”

Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!”

Me: “Please step back, sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.”

(The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.)

Me: “What are you doing, sir?!”

Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to clear repairs with the city!”

Me: “Sir, that color paint is not the same as the paint job on the equipment. Plus, you are now defacing this equipment. I will call the police if you don’t stop!”

Resident: “F*** off, you f****** lemming!”

Me: “That’s it, I’m calling the police!”

(By the time the police showed up, all his neighbors had come outside to watch the commotion. Things only went downhill from there, as he ended up getting charged with three counts: defacing public property, resisting arrest, and assault on a peace officer.)