A Fee-ble Attempt

| Silverdale, WA, USA | Right | August 4, 2016

(I work for a sub-agency for the state that has a five-dollar fee per transaction. There is also an optional five dollar donation on every transaction.)

Me: “Your total is [total].”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to make the donation today.”

Me: “I took the donation fee off, but we do have a five dollar office fee here that sort of cancels it out. So your total is [total].”

Customer: “What?! How dare you charge me just to come to this office? I demand you take that fee off!”

Me: “I am sorry, sir. I cannot do that. We are not run by the state, so the only income this office has is that five dollar fee. If I didn’t charge it to you, I wouldn’t get paid.”

Customer: “Do you think I care if you get paid?”

Me: “Probably not, but I do. I cannot take the fee off. If you would like to avoid paying it, you can always pay through the courthouse. They don’t charge it.”

Customer: “Fine!”

(The courthouse in question is over 30 miles away. He will most definitely be paying more than $5 in gas just to get there!)

A Really City Counsellor

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Working | June 12, 2016

(Our entire department has just been downsized and our employer has been trying to help us find other jobs. This includes helping us transfer to other Federal government positions. I am speaking with one of the counsellors hired to help us.)

Counsellor: “So, have you decided whether to take the severance package or try to transfer to another position?”

Me: “I’d like to try for a transfer, if I can find one in a smaller town in Alberta or British Columbia.”

Counsellor: “Well, you can forget about that. Everyone wants to transfer to Vancouver or Victoria.”

Me: “…”

(For everyone’s information, Vancouver and Victoria are large cities. Not sure how that translates to “a smaller town.” I took the severance package, have lived in a small town on the BC coast ever since, and have owned my own business for several years. Take that, counsellor lady.)

Doesn’t Get My Vote

| ID, USA | Related | June 10, 2016

(My mom and I are going together to vote. I’ve been terrible at keeping up on local politics, so when I get to the voting booth I only vote on the one issue I know about, figuring a misinformed vote does more damage than no vote at all. Afterwards…)

Mom: “You voted really fast. Did you just not vote for anybody?”

Me: “Pretty much. The only thing I knew anything about was the library bond, so I just left the rest of the ballot blank.”

Mom: “You should have asked me! I was right next to you. I would have told you who to vote for!”

Me: “Doesn’t that defeat the point of voting in the first place?”

Stucks To Be You

| Edinburgh, Scotland, UK | Working | May 10, 2016

(I and two colleagues get stuck between floors in a lift in our office. We hit the emergency button which connects us to the front security desk.)

Me: “Hi. We’re stuck in lift three between the third and fourth floors.”

Security Guard: “Well, sucks to be you.” *hangs up*

Divorcing Yourself From The Situation

| FL, USA | Romantic | May 9, 2016

(I work in the county courthouse. Much of my day is spent getting customers documentation of their divorces for Social Security benefits, DMV, pension plans, passport applications, etc. On this particular day, a woman comes in with her current husband needing a certified copy of her divorce from the mid-1980s. A coworker could not find it and asked me to look.)

Me: “Ma’am, we cannot locate any record of your divorce. Was it filed in this county or one of the neighboring ones? Or was it possibly filed under a different name?”

Wife: “Oh, it was definitely filed here. Under [Name].”

(After much searching I find it by looking up one of the children on the case. It is filed under a hyphenated name, not the one she gave me over and over. However, the divorce was never finalized.)

Me: “Ma’am. I believe I’ve located the case. I just need to verify some details on the case.”

(After verifying that this is indeed her case, I have some unfortunate news…)

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve located your case. However, unless you or your husband filed in another county, your divorce was never finalized here. The judge dismissed this case as none of the parties showed up to the hearing.”

(As expected, she goes ballistic… Her current husband gets a rather weird look on his face, smiles, starts laughing, and throws up his hands…)

Husband: “This is the best news I’ve ever had! This means I’m not legally married to this crazy b****!”

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