Has One Of Those Genderal Voices

| Wales, UK | Bizarre, Health & Body

(I work in the departmental switchboard, so I field calls. If someone’s on their phone or even logged out, the calls reroute to me/ Normally people are fine with me taking messages.)

Me: “Bore da. Good morning.  [Local Government].”

Customer: “Hello! Is that [Male Colleague]?”

Me: “Nope, [Colleague] is off sick at the moment. If you tell me your query I can direct you to somebody else who may be able to help.”

Customer: “Oh, it IS you [Male Colleague]!”

Me: “Ma’am. I am not [Male Colleague], I am [Female Name] and you’re through to switchboard. What’s your query?”

Customer: “How did your op go, [Male Colleague]? I didn’t realise it was THAT kind of op!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am NOT [Male Colleague]. If you tell me what your call is regarding, perhaps I can help you.”

Customer: *ignoring me* “Cruciate ligament, you said. Well, now we know better. I think [Female Name] is a great choice! Good for you!”

Me: “Ma’am, [Male Colleague] is still on sick. He did not have gender reassignment surgery. I am a different person. And I would like, very much, to help you with your query.”

Customer: “It’s okay. I’ll see you at [Local Pub] on Friday. We can have a chat ‘off the record’ and I’ll bring you my favourite lipstick.” *click*

(All my switchboard colleagues, who’ve only heard my half of the conversation, are staring at me.)

Me: “Yeah, I have no idea either.”

Always Time For A Rhyme

| UK | Awesome Customers, Awesome Workers, Language & Words, Top

(Our county council has online web-forms for people to get in touch.)

Customer Email:

“The winds outside blew and blew
and my bin lid verily flew
in a lickety split
I emailed you quick
to request a brand new one from you”

(Since the customer did not tell us whether it was her recycling or refuse bin that broke in the weather I have to contact her back. It is the first time I have EVER received a request in limerick form, so I decide to phone the lady. Unfortunately, it goes to voicemail.)

Me: *to the voicemail*

“The council received your request
but you leave us a little perplexed
Amidst rhyming hype
forgot ye the type
of the bin-lid you meant to suggest”

Gotta Find Johnny Cash

| USA | Crazy Requests, Money

(My office handles reports of fraud, but has a reputation for trying to help everybody who calls in, even if it’s nothing that we usually handle.)

Me: “[Office], [My Name] speaking. How can I help you?”

Caller: “This guy is getting benefit checks and he’s working! He does odd jobs around the trailer park where we both live.”

Me: “Okay. We’re not the right place for this, but if you tell me a little more about what’s going on, I can try to find the right place for you.”

Caller: “His name is Johnny, and I don’t know what his space number is.”

Me: “Do you know who he gets his checks from?”

Caller: “Nope, don’t see him at the mailbox. But he brags about it.”

Me: “Do you know what kind of benefit checks he’s getting?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I’m not sure on where to tell you to go.”

Caller: “Why don’t you take the information? You’re the fraud department, aren’t you? His name is Johnny, the trailer park is at [address], and he’s getting money from the government that he shouldn’t! Just write that down and investigate it.”

Me: “Do you have a surname for Johnny?”

Caller: “Nope.”

Me: *inwardly sighing* “Well, I’ll do my best to get this to the right people.”

Caller: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

(At this point, my coworker comes over as I’m staring at the notes from the call.)

Coworker: “What was that all about?”

Me: “I think I’ve found the fraud line equivalent of ‘I once read a book. It was blue.'”