(I have applied for Universal Credit and have to attend a compulsory interview for it. I get the email telling me that my interview is not only 400 miles away, but also in another country. I call the helpline to ask them to reschedule my interview.)

Helpline Employee: “How can I help you today?”

Me: “I’ve been given a date for my interview, but it’s in Edinburgh, and I live in London. I was just wondering if that was a computer glitch or something?”

Helpline Employee: “Would that be a problem?”

Me: “Well… yes. I live 400 miles away. In London, England.”

Helpline Employee: *as though I am stupid* “Edinburgh is in Scotland, not in England. Can you attend the interview or not?”

Me: “No. As I have said, it’s 400 miles away, so I have no way of getting there. I’d like an interview closer to my home, please.”

Helpline Employee: “I can send you the public transport options to get you to your interview. It’s really important to go to it!”

(I don’t want to hang up and call again, as I was on hold for so long. I decide to go with it and see if she spots the problem.)

Me: “Can we talk through transport options now?”

Helpline Employee: “No, all I can do is email them to the email address you provided.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “I have already looked at transport options. As I don’t have a car, I can only go by train. A train from London to Edinburgh takes about five hours, usually longer. I can’t afford that kind of trip, and even if I could, I don’t want to spend more than ten hours on a train in one day. Can I change the location of my appointment, please?”

Helpline Employee: “How far away do you actually live?”

Me: *thinking we’re finally getting somewhere* “About 400 miles.”

Helpline Employee: “I can move your appointment to the afternoon. That will mean you will have time to attend!”

(I just hung up and resolved to be on hold again. I gave it a minute and called back. After being on hold for ages, I spoke to someone who changed my appointment to the branch that was 20 minutes walk from my house. He had no idea why I was sent to the Edinburgh branch, but at least he understood the concept of distance.)

(I work on the homeless team for the local council dealing with temporary accommodation. These are very basic properties that we place homeless families in if they meet certain criteria, and I am then responsible for keeping an eye on them and helping them find permanent accommodation. This customer is placed in one of our units, and then causes us nothing but trouble for over six months, including threatening to stab one of my colleagues and to shoot me. As a result, I can only visit if the police come with me. I have to go and change the locks at the property, after a report that the door is wide open and no one is there. Four days later, after a report that the customer has now broken a window to get into the property, I receive a phone call…)

Client: “WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!”

Me: “They are at the area office. I did put a note through the door and on the window to tell you.”

Client: “That’s too far!” *It’s literally a five minute walk, if that.* “Can’t you deliver them?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can only visit if the police come with me, so you will need to go to the office.”

Client: “Yeah, why do you always have to bring them with you? I don’t like police.”

Me: “I have to bring them with me because you threatened to shoot me when I visited before.”

Client: “Yeah, I know, I know I did, but I threatened to shoot the police, too!”

(I struggled to see the logic to that one! He then went on to complain I hadn’t fixed his broken window… the one he had broken and was using as a front door…)

(I work at a town government office, responding to phone calls from residents.)

Me: “Hello, [Department Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “There is a dead raccoon in front of my property. I’d like you all to come pick it up.”

Me: “Sure, I can have our clean-up crew there within an hour. What is the address?”

Customer: “Why should I give you my address? Why should I tell you where I live, huh?”

Me: “Well, because otherwise the team won’t know where to go.”

Customer: “I just said, ‘in front of my house!'”

Me: “Yes… but what’s the address of your house?”

Customer: “I just told you! I won’t give you my address! You have no right to know!”

Me: “All right, ma’am… but then how will the team know where to go?”

Customer: “I can’t believe my taxes pay for people like you! You’ll be hearing about this at the next town meeting!” *hangs up*

(I work for a municipality answered the information line)

*Picking up phone*
Me: (standard phone greeting for city)
Older woman: I need the phone number for *name* garbage pick-up company!
Me: Well that company doesn’t sound familiar, they don’t pick up garbage for us.
Woman: NO! I live in *small town about half an hour away* and they didn’t pick up my garbage! I need their phone number!
Me: Ok we only look after garbage pick-up in *city* but let me look up the number for you.
*starts typing*
Woman: HELLO?
Me: Yes, I am just looking the number up. It’s 35…
Woman: NO! That’s long distance, I need a local number!
Me: Well that is the only number listed for them.
Woman: THAT WON’T WORK! GIVE ME A LOCAL NUMBER!
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any other phone numbers for them.
Woman: Well then give me the number for your local garbage company, they will have it!
Me: I am not sure that our local company will have a phone number for a company an hour away…
Woman: I SAID GIVE ME THE LOCAL COMPANY!
Me: Alright, but I am not sure if they will be able to help you.
Woman: GOOD! Now was that so hard?
Me:…. no? *Thinking: YES!*