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These Minutes Are Minutiae

, , , , | Right | July 30, 2012

(I work in the pro shop at a golf course, and people often call to make tee times. Note that our tee times are spaced eight minutes apart.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Golf Course]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to make a tee time for 2:30, please.”

Me: “All right, I’ve got 2:32. Can I have your last name, please?”

Customer: “2:32?! That’s WAY too late! Do you have anything earlier?”

Me: “Sure, I have 2:24.”

Customer: “2:24?! That’s MUCH too early. You guys need to have better times!”


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Should’ve Ripped You A New One

, | Right | May 11, 2012

(I work at a really nice Country Club on the golf course side of things. Since it is a nice club, it isn’t unusual to get fairly large tips every once in a while.)

Me: “Hey mister, could you break a hundred for me so we split tips tonight?”

Member: *clearly inebriated* “Sure, man, I can totally break that hundred for you!”

(I hand him the hundred dollar bill which he then proceeds to rip in half and then hand back to me.)

Member: “There! I broke it for you.” *walks off laughing with his friends*

Other Member: “Man, what an a**hole. Here’s another hundred for the ripped one. I appreciate y’all.”

(I took the ripped hundred to the bank and they replaced it. I tried to give the other hundred back, but the member refused and said we earned it!)

Nuts For Cashews

, , , | Right | November 27, 2009

Me: “Hello, [Golf Course].”

Customer: “Yes, do you guys sell cashews?”

Me: “As a matter of fact, we do.”

Customer: “So how much are they?”

Me: “$2.40.”

Customer: “Okay, so can I get a tee time for 2:00?”

Me: “Sure. How many people?”

Customer: “Just me.”

Me: “Okay, and golf cart or walking?”

Customer: “Oh, I’m not golfing. I’m just coming to pick up the cashews!”

Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter

, , , , , | Right | July 2, 2009

(At the golf course where I work, it’s been a very hot day and an older man, unfortunately, has a stroke or heart attack in the middle of the range. The course is at a remote location, so a medical helicopter is called in and lands in the middle of the range. Another golfer comes over, obviously upset.)

Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

(The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

(I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)


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Pinheaded, Part 2

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2009

(I’m a greenskeeper on a golf course and am doing some work on a green, moving the hole. I pull the pin (flag) out, which is the universal symbol for “the green is closed; don’t shoot.” As I’m doing my work, this happens…)

Member: “Fore on the green! Fore on the green!”

(I look up to see blue sky and a little white speck flying at me. I turn my back and the golf ball hits me square in my one good kidney. I drop like a bag of potatoes, and the member casually strolls up to the green.)

Member: “Are you okay?”

Me: “No, I need to get to a hospital. It hit my good kidney.”

Member: “What the h*** were you doing on the green? You’re not supp–”

Me: “Did you just hear me? I need an ambulance!”

Member: “Don’t interrupt me, you little a**-hole! Now move so I can putt!”

(I grab my radio and get my superintendent, who rushes out in his cart on the phone with 911. After he hangs up, he turns to the member.)

Superintendent: “Didn’t you see the pin was down?! You could have killed him!

Member: “He shouldn’t be on the green during play! It’s his own fault!”

(They continue arguing for a few moments until the ambulance shows up. As the EMT is getting me on a stretcher, she asks the member…)

EMT: “If the pin was down, what were you aiming for?”

Member: “Him.”

Superintendent: “You aimed… for him?”

Member: “I figured he’d be close to the hole. I mean… the pin was down! I had to aim for something!”

Superintendent: “You’re a f****** idiot!”

(I found out later that the member was kicked out of the country club, and his $50,000 initiation fee, as well as his $15,000 yearly dues, were not refunded.)


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