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Their Relationship Is Up To Par

| Romantic | September 18, 2014

(My boyfriend takes up golf and keeps asking me to go with him and his friends. I agree one day. There are four of us: husband teams up with Friend #2, his normal golfing mate, while I am teamed with a never-played-before friend. They go ahead of us so we won’t ‘hold them back.’)

Friend #1: *by the end of the second hole* “I’ve had enough of this; I’ll be at the clubhouse.” *takes his clubs and leaves*

(I play through the next couple of holes and catch up to my boyfriend and Friend #2. They are at the bottom of a hill.)

Me: “[Friend #1] is in the clubhouse.”

Friend #2: “We are having trouble getting up this hill. We keep hitting the ball into the bushes.”

(My boyfriend is in the bushes looking for his ball. I tee up my ball.)

Boyfriend: “This has to be worth a laugh. If we can’t get the ball up there, there’s no way you can.”

(I swung and the ball flew straight up the middle of the hill, landing near the green. Both were opened mouthed. Almost right away they decided it was too hot to play so we all headed to the clubhouse. It was the last time I was ever invited golfing.)

Really Tee’d Off Over Closing Time

, , , | Right | September 1, 2014

(I work in a bar at my local golf club. We have closed at 7:00 pm for years now. I’ve just collected the last glasses and pulled the shutters down over the bar apart from the one which allows me to get in and out. I’m in the middle of cashing down the day’s takings.)

Customer: *at 7:30* “Are you open?”

Me: *dumbfounded* “No, sir. We closed about half an hour ago and I’m just finishing the last of my tasks behind the bar.”

Customer: “Well, you should be open for people like me who like to be the last to tee off on the course in the day!” *walks off in a huff*

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Crazy Golf

, , , , | Right | December 3, 2013

(To pay for university costs, I work for a small government-run golf course as a cashier. A customer in his forties enters the store.)

Me: “Hi. Welcome to [Golf Course]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah. I’d like to play nine holes on the course with buggy hire. Thanks.”

Me: “All right. Your total comes to $30. Will you be paying in cash or by card?”

Customer: “Actually, I was hoping I could give you this, instead?”

(The customer slides a bottle of unmarked, white liquid across the table and looks at me grinning.)

Me: “Uh… sir. I don’t know what that is.”

Customer: “Oh, I make my own perfume in my bathtub! How about this bottle for my course fees?”

Me: “Sir, I must insist that you pay with currency. Perfume is not legal tender and I will not be able to balance my till otherwise.”

(The customer takes the bottle back hastily, looking as if I’d just insulted his mother.)

Customer: “You don’t want my perfume? What kind of golf course is this?!”

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A**hole In One

, , , , | Right | October 7, 2013

(I work at a golf course that is situated in a residential area. I am talking to a friend of mine who owns a home on the course when a ball lands in his backyard.)

Golfer: “Move!” *hops the fence*

Friend: “Hey! This is private property; get out of here!”

Golfer: “No, it isn’t; I paid good money to play on this course and I am going to play through.”

Me: “Actually, sir, it is private property.”

Golfer: *not listening* “Why the h*** do you put such stupid obstacles in the way? What kind of course has fences so close to the green?”

Friend: “It isn’t an obstacle! It’s my fence, and you are in my backyard. Now beat it before I call the police.”

Golfer: “Shut the f*** up; you’re throwing me off my game.” *turns to me* “Shouldn’t you escort him off the course? He isn’t showing any etiquette.”

(My friend gets irritated and goes into his house.)

Me: “He doesn’t have to show any etiquette; he owns the property. You are the one I will be escor—”

Golfer: “No, he doesn’t! The course owns all of this; how stupid are you?”

(My friend comes back with a bucket of golf balls and dumps them where the golfer’s ball has landed.)

Golfer: “What the f*** are you doing?! I’ll never find my ball!”

Friend: “Good.”

Golfer: “I paid good money for that ball, and you’re stealing it! I am calling the police!”

Me: “It landed in someone’s yard. It is clearly stated in the rule book that a residential area is out of bounds, so he can do whatever he wants with it.”

Golfer: “Shut up! What do you know? You’re just some kid!”

Me: “Sir, please come with me. You are not welcome here anymore.”

Golfer: “No! I can do what I want! I paid good money to—”

Friend: “I spend all day cleaning up after a**holes like you that think they can do whatever they want. They rammed their carts into my fence thinking it was a personal cart stopper, and I had to finally shell out $1,500 to buy a new one because it eventually fell down completely.”

Golfer: “I didn’t—”

Friend: “People like you have stolen my stuff and left their trash in my yard, even though there is a bin right there next to the tee-box. They have killed my dog, and one of you pricks had the audacity to walk into my house and use my bathroom without even so much as asking.”

Golfer: *stuttering* “But the course owns it; I’m allowed to—”

Friend: “No, you’re not. My property line extends another twenty feet past the fence line; you are trespassing. I own this house, this yard, and everything in it.”

(My friend picks him up and tosses him over the fence.)

Golfer: “That’s assault! I am calling the police on you! I paid good money!”

Friend: “I don’t give a d*** how much you paid; this is private property and according to the state penal code, I can remove you just like I did.”

Golfer: “I’ll sue! I paid good money!”

Friend: “Go ahead; I’ll be your lawyer.”

(One of the owners showed up and escorted the golfer off the golf course. He was banned from playing there again. My friend now plays free for his trouble.)

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Really Crazy Golf

, , , | Romantic | January 29, 2013

(My girlfriend and I go to play indoor golf together. My girlfriend has just failed to complete one of the holes in the required number of strokes. As we move to the next, she shuffles sideways with an embarrassed expression and drops her ball in the hole for a moment before picking it up and following me.)

Me: “Uh, honey? What was that about? You’re holding the next group up.”

Girlfriend: *mutters*

Me: “What was that?”

Girlfriend: *blushing* “I didn’t want mine to feel left out!”

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